The Excuse

[Zochitl]

 

“You won't believe what happened to me Miss Sherman.”   Helen began, showing the anxiety on her face as she was hyperventilating.

“I had gotten half-dressed and decided to place a roast in the oven and began to fix it with all the trimmings.    This way when I got home from work, it would  be  done for the family.  Well, I put it in the oven, set the timer to start the oven, and then thought that in three hours it should shut itself off.   After that I went and started to put some lipstick on and began to get ready.   I didn’t want to be late on my first day.

 No sooner had I put some lipstick on, the doorbell rang.   I rushed to answer it and it was Mike, the mailman. He had a package for me that he wanted me to sign.  Well, you don’t know Mike. He's been the mailman for our block for ages.   I don't know why they keep him on the job because it takes him a long time to get from one house to the other since he loves to hear about everybody's business.  Well, he started to yak about what the Anderson's dog had done to the Becker's little girl when he knocked her down in a puddle of mud.  I kept trying to drown him out, asking him where I had to sign, but he kept yacking and yacking away. 

Suddenly a gust of wind came from who knows where and shut my door as I was standing on the outside step putting my signature on the sheet Mike had given me.   I look at Mike and he stared back at me.  I had forgotten to put my skirt on.   I then realized that I had put my blouse on and forgot to put my skirt!   I just had on my half-slip.  He looked at me and I looked back at him stunned.  The front door had closed on me and I didn't have any keys to get inside my house!

            I began to yell at him telling him it was all his fault, but he just stood there scratching his head.  Pushing him aside I started running around trying to see if I had a window open somewhere around the house but they were all bolted tight. I still hadn't taken the curlers out of my hair and now no skirt and no keys and the roast was cooking in the oven!    I became frantic.  Then I ran over to my neighbor's house but she wasn't home so I went across the street to knock at Jerry's house. He's the hippie who is always playing the loud music at one in the morning. Then Mr. Johnson two doors down starts hollering out the window and the cops show up to shut Jerry and him up.   As I was crossing the street, sure enough Marty, the delivery guy,  was coming around the corner and missed me by an inch so he gets out of the car and starts to yell at me that what am I trying to do in my under things and if I have gone nuts.   I tried to explain that my door got shut on me and I have to find a way to get in because I will be late for my first day of work, so he calls the fire department on his cell and no sooner had he done that, the ambulance and the fire truck are zooming down the street. The neighbors now have all come out to see what the commotion was all about and they see me like a loony-bird in the middle of the street yelling back at Marty.   I don't know why Marty called them since all I needed was a locksmith,  whom they finally called a half hour later, as the paramedics loaned me their sheet so I could wrap it around my bottom half. 

The locksmith finally showed up and couldn't believe what the commotion was about with everybody in the middle of the street now, but he finally opened the door among everybody trying to put their two-cents in.   Then Eddie who was patrolling his beat showed up and told everybody to mind their own business and go back to their houses.   Everything went back to normal and I finished dressing quickly and came as fast as I could to work.  I’m so, so Sorry!”  Helen plopped down in a chair looking at her boss with an anguished look on her face. She was completely exhausted as she tried  to catch her breath from explaining everything to her boss.