The Token Oldster

[officerripley]

I was talking a few months back to someone who's a few yrs. older than I (so she's in her early 70s) & she told me that she had noticed more & more the last coupla yrs. that any group or club she joins, she's usually older than the other members by more than a few yrs. & finds herself being treated as the "token cute little old person." By that she meant that as long as you're being "cute" (e.g., not making waves, in other words, polite suggestions or even asking questions about group plans, procedures, etc.), you'll be tolerated; but step out of cute/agreeable-to-everything mode and you'll be even more invisible than you were before.  (And I saw this exact thing happen to her in the group we were in together for a short time; she made a polite, nicely-presented suggestion & the group leader--who was about 10 yrs younger--literally turned her back on her & went right on with her "this is what we're going to do in this group" spiel & then was cold as ice to her from then on.)

So now I'm noticing this happening to me too.  I don't know if it's just started or I'm only just now noticing because she brought it to my attention. And it might be because we're both female--I really don't think older men go through this as much as women do but I could be wrong--and it could also be that we're in a rural, conservative area & the few groups in this area that would appeal to both of us are full of younger people; most of the people around here in our age group spend most of their time at church, knitting, or babysitting grandkids, none of which apply to me (nor her, I think).  So that could have something to do with it too.

Has anybody else noticed this happening to you?  Especially if you're male, since as I said above, doesn't seem to happen to men as much but I could be wrong.

[GrandPaGardener]

Yup!

Our retired guy group has discussed this several times....

The younger generational group thinks they have all the answers, and really do not want to hear anything to the contrary. Even if they ask if anyone has any thoughts on the project, or what is being discussed! They don't want to hear about it! Many of the gentleman have been on this planet for more decades than these kids have been alive, have worked on major project, and understand how to look outside the box!

Also, many of these young folks do not want to make new old friends. The only time they will warm up to an older individual is when they need some assistance. i.e. use of truck, tractor, some welding done etc.... So we all go to the meetings for the friendship of the older folks, and the coffee and donuts!!

AL

[TeeBubbaDee]

I USED to be asked my opinion on many subjects, by my wife, daughter, etc. This pretty much no longer happens. And if I do express an opinion, it is usually ignored. Not always, but much more than in the past when I was the "go to guy" for answers.

[officerripley]

Interesting & very glad to hear from the males also; Hubby, who's 4 yrs older than I, keeps saying he hasn't noticed any kind of age bias against himself, so I didn't know if it was (at least partially) a gender thing. But he has a strong personality and I mean that in a totally good way, he never dominates anyone but I don't think he's ever allowed anyone in his life to rudely ignore him, dominate him, or run roughshod over him since his teens the last time his dad tried to beat him up & found out he couldn't anymore.  So I think that people with that kinda personality get listened to more sometimes than the quieter type. And maybe that's why it seems to me to be at least somewhat gender-based; seems like more men than women are comfortable putting their point across forcefully & not caring whether they're liked or not.  Heck, just look at politics, for ex.: a male pol can raise his voice & get red in the face in congress or on the campaign trail & whether people disagree with him or not, they just say he's forceful & passionate about the issue.  Female pol does that, she's said to be a crazy b*tch, sigh.

[Candycravings]

Old thread, I realize, but, if you are still around to see it, here is my answer. I agree with what you have said throughout this topic. I have experienced this as I have gotten older. I am not 70 yet. I am younger and female. But I notice the 20-somethings and 30-somethings ignore what I have to say a lot.

[officerripley]

Hi, Candy, are you new to the site (or group)?  Nice to meet you, welcome!  Thanks for your reply.  Yep, I'm still noticing this & more & more as I get older (in my late 60s now).  In fact more & more, I realize that the old saying "old age ain't for sissies" is really true; in fact, if you live long enuff, old age ain't for anybody.

Kind of interesting:  just here recently, at different times, I've run into 2 people that were highly-educated professionals before they retired recently, just loved their jobs but were not workaholics (loved their families & numerous friends too), had lots of social connections before they retired & not just with co-workers, one male & one female so gender didn't seem to make a difference, and they both told me that they were beginning to wonder if they'd retired too early because they were starting to get lonely, that a lot of people they thought were friends (& not just co-worker friends either) had gotten harder & harder to get together with (even the ones who are also retired); one person even volunteers & loves the activity itself but said that altho she's been doing it for a few yrs now, she hasn't made any friends (or even sorta-friends) from it.  (I've been volunteering myself for at least 5 yrs & altho I've tried to make friends, I haven't either; all it does is get me out of the house a few days a week & I do enjoy the activity.)  I didn't say this to either of them, but I thought at the time, "Welcome to the party; once you retire and/or become elderly, you become more & more isolated."  Since they seem to have already figured it out, I just something like "Oh, I know, I know." 

They say this growing loneliness amongst the elderly is common in most highly industrialized countries, and the UK for one is studying it a lot, and believe it or not, it doesn't seem to be as bad in the cities as it is in surburbia or small towns, maybe becuz there are more senior services and just more to do, more going on in larger cities.

So a lot of us are in the same boat it appears. I'm really grateful for this site (& a few others); I can get some connection here; really nice people on here.

[Candycravings]

Thanks. I am not new. I am old (here) but I don't come around to check things out much anymore or haven't. But I am glad I stopped by.  I am in my "late" 50's, by the way.

Interesting, you ran into two people in similar circumstances. Are they worth befriending then? I wonder why people 50+ don't make as many friends in real life? Maybe social sites have kind of taken over. Maybe it's easier? I, too, have very few "friends" in real life.

Adding: "Welcome to the party." I can see that passing through your head. It's true that all the "older people" in my past always warned me that older age was not "fun."

[TeeBubbaDee]

Hi Guys, I also am one of those that have a hard time making friends. I think it stems from my childhood. We moved so often, I never even tried to make friends, why bother, I'll be moving on soon. At least in OH I had my mom (recently passed) my sister and her family, good people next door, and quite a few "buddies" at the VFW. But I've been in FL for 6 or 7 years now, and have zero friends. My ex-wife,(soon to move back to OH) daughter, SIL, and grandson, a niece and her family are about my only contacts. That's why this site means so much to me. I was one of the originals on the old TBD, and plan on being here until the site shuts down. Peace, Love, and Monster Hugs!!!

[officerripley]

Peace, Love, & Monster hugs to you & every1 else on here too, TeeBub!

[TeeBubbaDee]

[Angharad]

Late to the party, as usual. :>) Haven't heard from you, Bubs, in quite a while--I hope all is as well as may be.

[Angharad]

I'm experiencing what you're all talking about. I have a kind of odd example. I used to get all service people (electricians, plumbers, people who service my oil burner, etc.) to happily do as I asked. They showed up on time, consulted with me, answered my questions--generally acted as though I were an intelligent, knowledgeable, person. (And, btw, this isn't normal procedure for where I live.) Now that I'm older and "infirm," a euphemism for totally f**ked up :>), they treat me like a large and irritating head of lettuce. Either that, or I'm fawned over, and THEN treated like an imbecile.

Come to think of it, this happens with most any stranger I meet. Pretty disheartening.

Like Teebubba, I moved a LOT as a kid (Navy brat), and made friends quickly but not deeply. As he said, "why bother?" Now I have a couple of long-time friends, but they live far away. More recent, but dear, friends have all moved away. I can no longer get out to meet people and, frankly, this is not really a hotbed of exciting or stimulating candidates for friendship. As officerripley said, the women my age are mostly knitting, praying, or gabbing about their grandchildren. 

Yup, also as officerripley said, old age ain't for anybody!

[officerripley]

Thanks, Angharad, I know exactly what you mean in your 3rd paragraph. Thank goodness for this & other sites so we do have each others to talk to.  As to Tee Bubba, if I remember right, I think he said that he was pretty much leaving this site & would be mainly on Facebook. I hope not, but I have the feeling that this site is maybe not going to be around much longer. I've found a nice site for 40 yrs & older that seems to be more active than this one & some from this site have also joined it; PM me if you're interested in the site's name & URL.