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The Place to crack up! Laughing is allowed 24/7!
Latest Activity: Dec 19, 2017
Started by EddieDingo. Last reply by Aggie Apr 27, 2017.
Started by Mark Joel Lane. Last reply by Aggie Dec 31, 2015.
Started by ozzieowl. Last reply by Aggie Mar 20, 2015.
Just before Xmas, an honest politician, a generous lawyer and Santa Claus all got into the lift (elevator) at the Ritz Hotel in London. As the lift travelled from the 5th floor down to the ground level, one-by-one they noticed a £50 note lying on the lift's floor.
Which one picked up the £50 note, and handed it in at reception?
Santa of course, the other two don't actually exist!
Sarah new young bride calls her mother in tears. She sobs, 'Richard doesn't appreciate what I do for him.'
'Now, now,' her mother comforted, 'I am sure it was all just a misunderstanding.'
'No, mother, you don't understand. I bought a frozen turkey roll and he yelled and screamed at me about the price.'
'Well, the nerve of that lousy cheapskate,' says her mum. 'Those turkey rolls are only a few dollars.'
'No, mother it wasn't the price of the turkey. It was the aeroplane ticket.' "Aeroplane ticket...." What did you need an airplane ticket for?'
'Well mother, when I went to fix it, I looked at the directions on the package and it said: "Prepare from a frozen state," so I flew to Alaska.'
A country preacher had a teenage son, and it was time the boy should give some thought to choosing a profession. Like many young men, the boy didn't really know what he wanted to do, and he didn't seem too concerned about it. One day, while the boy was away at school, his father decided to try an experiment. He went into the boy's room and placed on his study table four objects:
A bible, a silver dollar, a bottle of Jack Daniels, and a Playboy magazine.
'I'll just hide behind the door, the preacher said to himself, 'and when he comes home from school this afternoon, I'll see which object he picks up.''If it's the Bible, he's going to be a preacher like me, and what a blessing that would be! 'If he picks up the dollar, he's going to be a business-man, and that would be okay, too. 'But, if he picks up the bottle, he's going to be a no-good drunkard, and Lord, what a shame that would be. 'And worst of all, if he picks up that magazine, he's going to be a skirt-chasing bum.'
The old man waited anxiously, and soon heard his son's footsteps as he entered the house whistling and heading for his room.
The boy tossed his books on the bed, and as he turned to leave the room, he spotted the objects on the table. With curiosity in his eye, he walked over to inspect them.
Finally, he picked up the Bible and placed it under his arm. He picked up the Silver Dollar and dropped into his pocket. He uncorked the bottle and took a big drink while he admired this month's centerfold.
'Lord have mercy,' the old preacher whispered in horror, 'He’s going to be the next president!'
An Alabama pastor said to his congregation, "Someone in this congregation has spread a rumor that I belong to the Ku Klux Klan. This is a horrible lie and one which a Christian community cannot tolerate. I am embarrassed and do not intend to accept this. Now, I want the party who said this to stand and ask forgiveness from God and this Christian family."
No one moved. The preacher continued, "Do you have the nerve to face me and admit this is a falsehood? Remember, you will be forgiven and in your heart, you will feel glory. Now stand and confess your transgression." Again, all was quiet
Then, slowly, a drop-dead gorgeous blonde with a body that would stop a runaway train rose from the third pew. Her head was bowed and her voice quivered as she spoke, "Reverend there has been a terrible misunderstanding. I never said you were a member of the Ku Klux Klan. I simply told a couple of my friends that you were a wizard under the sheets."
The preacher fell to his knees, his wife fainted, and the congregation roared.
Life is short, smile while you still have teeth.
I saw a baseball
getting larger and larger
and then it hit me
Great time to be a comedian !
Just look at Washington for material.
You know it might be funny.......
if it wasn't so sad.
A woman who becomes frustrated after a bus driver calls her baby ugly. She angrily carries her baby to a seat and informs a nearby male passenger that the driver has insulted her. The man, encouraging the woman to go back and reprimand the driver, offers to hold her monkey for her.
Only in Las Vegas !!!!!!!!! You will not believe what just happened. I went into a Green Valley Grocery to get a couple things. While walking up, I noticed these 2 cops watching this dude from across the street who was smoking while pumping gas.. I saw him next to the pump and said to myself, "This idiot has no common sense" But anyway, I went in and got my things. As I was checking out, I heard someone screaming.. I looked outside and the idiot's arm was on fire! He was swinging his arm and running around going crazy! I went outside and the cops put him on the ground and they fire out with some coffee!! YES, SOME COFFEE! Then they put handcuffs on him and threw him in the police car. I was thinking "He knows he shouldn't have been smoking by the pump while pumping gas!" But being nosey, I walked up to the cops and asked them what they were arresting him for? The cop looked me dead in my eyes and said ... "He was WAVING A FIREARM!"
Vell, Ole and Lena went to the same Lutheran Church. Lena went every Sunday and taught Sunday School. Ole went on Christmas and Easter and once in awhile he went on one of the other Sundays. On one of those Sundays, he was in the pew right behind Lena and he noticed vhat a fine looking woman she was. Vhile dey were taking up the collection, Ole leaned forward and said, "Hey, Lena, how about you and me go to dinner in New Ulm next Friday?" "Yah, Ole, dot vould be nice," said Lena. Well, Ole couldn't believe his luck. All week long he polished up his old Ford, and on Friday he picked Lena up and took her to the finest restaurant in New Ulm. When they sat down, Ole looked over at Lena and said,"Hey, Lena, vould you like a cocktail before dinner?" "Oh, no, Ole," said Lena. "Vat vould I tell my Sunday School class?" Vell, Ole was set back a bit, so he didn't say much until after dinner. Then he reached in his pocket and pulled out a pack of cigarettes. "Hey, Lena," said Ole, "vould you like a smoke?" "Oh, no, Ole," said Lena. "Vat vould I tell my Sunday School class?" Vell, Ole vas feeling pretty low after that, so he yust got in his Ford and vas driving Lena home ven dey passed the Hot Springs Motel. He'd struck out twice already, so he figured he had nothing to lose. "Hey, Lena," said Ole, "how vould you like to stop at that motel with me?" "Yah, Ole, dot vould be nice," said Lena. Vell, Ole couldn't believe his luck. He did a U-turn right then and there across the median and everything, and drove back to the motel and checked in vith Lena. The next morning Ole got up first. He looked at Lena lying there in the bed, her blond curls on the pillow. "Vat have I done? Vat have I done?" thought Ole. He shook Lena and she woke up. "Lena, I've got to ask you von ting," said Ole. "Vat are you going to tell your Sunday School class?" Lena said, "The same ting I alvays tell dem. You don't have to smoke or drink to have a good time!"
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