A girl was visiting her blond friend who had acquired two new dogs, and asked her what their names were.
The blonde responded by saying that one was named Rolex and one was named Timex.
Her friend said, "Whoever heard of someone naming dogs like that?"
"HelOOOooo," answered the blond. "They're watch dogs!
A guy is browsing in a pet shop and sees a parrot sitting
on a little Perch. It doesn't have any feet or legs. The guy says
aloud, Jeesh, I wonder what happened to this Parrot?
The parrot says, "I was born this way. I'm a defective parrot."
Holy crap," the guy replies. "You actually understood and
answered me!"
I got every word," says the parrot. "I happen to be a
highly intelligent, thoroughly educated bird."
Oh yeah?" the guy asks, "Then answer this -- how do you
hang onto your perch without any feet?"
Well," the parrot says, "this is very embarrassing but
since you asked, I wrap my weenie around this wooden bar like a little
hook. You can't see it because of my feathers."
Wow," says the guy. "You really can understand and speak
English can't you?"
"Actually, I speak both Spanish and English, and I can
converse with reasonable competence on almost any topic: politics,
religion, sports, physics, philosophy. I'm especially good
at ornithology. You really ought to buy me. I'd be a great
companion."
The guy looks at the $200 price tag. "Sorry, but I just
can't afford that."
Pssssssst," says the parrot, "I'm defective, so the truth
is, nobody wants me cause I don't have any feet. You can probably get
me for $20, just make the guy an offer!"
The guy offers $20 and walks out with the parrot. Weeks go
by. The parrot is sensational. He has a great sense of humor, he's
interesting, he's a great pal, he understands everything,
he sympathizes, and he's insightful. The guy is delighted.
One day the guy comes home from work and the parrot goes,
psssssssssssst," and motions him over with one wing. I
don't know if should tell you this or not, but it's about your
wife and the postman."
What are you talking about?" asks the guy.
When the postman delivered the mail today, your wife
greeted him at the door in a sheer black nightie and kissed him
passionately."
WHAT???" the guy asks incredulously. "THEN what happened?"
Well, then the postman came into the house and lifted up
her nightie and began petting her all over," reported the parrot.
Oh No!" he exclaims. "Then what?"
Then he lifted up the nightie, got down on his knees and
began to kiss her all over, starting with her breasts and slowly going
down...."
WELL," demands the frantic guy, "THEN WHAT HAPPENED?"
"Damned if I know. I got an erection and fell off my perch!"
Translation
One day, a Navajo elder and his son came across the space crew walking among the rocks. The elder, who spoke only Navajo, asked a question. His son translated for the NASA people: "What are these guys in the big suits doing?" One of the astronauts said that they were practicing for a trip to the moon. When his son relayed this comment, the Navajo elder got all excited and asked if it would be possible to give to the astronauts a message to deliver to the moon.
Recognizing a promotional opportunity when he saw one, a NASA official accompanying the astronauts said, "Why certainly!" and told an underling to get a tape recorder.
The Navajo elder's comments into the microphone were brief. The NASA official asked the son if he would translate what his father had said. The son listened to the recording and laughed uproariously, but he refused to translate.
So the NASA people took the tape to a nearby Navajo village and played it for other members of the tribe. They too laughed long and loudly but also refused to translate the elder's message to the moon. Finally, an official government translator was summoned. After he finally stopped laughing the translator relayed the message:
"Watch out for these pricks. They have come to steal your land."
I'm never drinking again!
I'm never drinking again!
I'm never drinking again!
I'm never drinking again!
I'm never drinking again!
I'm never drinking again!
I'm never drinking again!
I'm never drinking again!
I'm never drinking again!
I'm never drinking again!
I'm never drinking again!
I'm never drinking again!
I'm never drinking again!
I'm never drinking again!
I'm never drinking again!
I'm never drinking again!
I'm never drinking again!
I'm never drinking again!
I'm never drinking again!
I'm never drinking again!
I'm never drinking again!
I'm never drinking again!
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