TBD on Ning
The Place to crack up! Laughing is allowed 24/7!
Latest Activity: on Tuesday
Started by EddieDingo. Last reply by flipper on Tuesday.
Started by EddieDingo. Last reply by Aggie Nov 7.
Started by CWO3ROBBIE. Last reply by flipper Sep 27.
A man flying in a hot air balloon suddenly realizes he’s lost. He reduces height and spots a man down below. He lowers the balloon further and shouts to get directions, "Excuse me, can you tell me where I am?" The man below says: "Yes. You're in a hot air balloon, hovering 30 feet above this field." "You must work in Information Technology," says the balloonist. "I do" replies the man. "How did you know?" "Well," says the balloonist, "everything you have told me is technically correct, but It's of no use to anyone." The man below replies, "You must work in management." "I do," replies the balloonist, "But how'd you know?" "Well", says the man, "you don’t know where you are or where you’re going, but you expect me to be able to help. You’re in the same position you were before we met, but now it’s my fault."
Computer said my password needed at least eight characters and at least one number, so I changed it to Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs.
When at an overnight at a hotel away from home. I took my computer down to the bar to do work on some financials and do some email.
I sat down at the bar and I asked the bartender, ‘What’s the Wi-Fi password?’
Bartender: 'You need to buy a drink first.' Me: 'Okay, I’ll have a beer.'
Bartender: 'We have Molson’s Canadian on tap' Me: 'Sure. How much is that?'
Me: 'Here you are. OK, now what’s the Wi-Fi password?'
Bartender: ‘youneedtobuyadrinkfirst' - No spaces and all lowercase.
I hate it when you offer someone a sincere compliment on their mustache and suddenly she's not your friend anymore.
Please don't say "Firecracker" it's offensive!
The correct term is "fire caucasian".
The king wanted to go fishing, and he asked the royal weather forecaster the forecast for the next few hours. The palace meteorologist assured him that there was no chance of rain.
So the king and the queen started out for their day of fishing. On the way, he met a man with a fishing pole riding on a donkey, and he asked the man if the fish were biting. The fisherman said, "Your Majesty, you should return to the palace! In just a short time I expect a huge storm."
The king replied: "I hold the palace meteorologist in high regard. He is an educated and experienced professional. Besides, I pay him very high wages. He gave me a very different forecast. I trust him."
So the king continued on his way. However, in a short time, a torrential rain fell from the sky. The King and Queen were totally soaked. Furious, the king returned to the palace and gave the order to fire the meteorologist.
Then he summoned the fisherman and offered him the prestigious position of a royal forecaster. The fisherman said, "Your Majesty, I do not know anything about forecasting. I obtain my information from my donkey. If I see my donkey's ears drooping, it means with certainty that...it will rain."
So the king hired the donkey.
And thus began the practice of hiring dumb asses to work in influential positions of government. The practice is unbroken to this date.
Stormy Daniels and Queen Elizabeth went to the Pearly Gates on the same day. They both met with an angel to find out if they would be admitted to Heaven.
The angel said: “Unfortunately, there’s only one space available in Heaven today so I must decide which one of you will be admitted.”
The angel asked Stormy if there was some particular reason why she should go to Heaven. Stormy took off her top and said: “Look at these, they’re the most perfect breasts God ever created and I’m sure it will please God to be able to see them every day, for eternity.”
The angel thanked Stormy, and asked Her Majesty, Queen Elizabeth the same question. The Queen walked over to a toilet, pulled the lever and flushed it without saying a word.
The Angel immediately said: “Okay, your Majesty, you may go into Heaven.”
Stormy was outraged and asked, “What was that all about? I showed you two of God’s own perfect creations and you turned me down. She simply flushed a commode and she got admitted to Heaven! Would you explain that to me?”
“Sorry, Stormy,” said the Angel, “but even in Heaven, a royal flush beats a pair, no matter how big they are.”
A filthy rich Florida man decided that he wanted to throw a party and invited all of his buddies and neighbors. He also invited Leroy, the only Redneck in the neighborhood. He held the party around the pool in the backyard of his mansion.
Leroy was having a good time drinking, dancing, eating shrimp, oysters and BBQ and flirting with all the women. At the height of the party, the host said, I have a 10 foot man-eating gator in my pool and I ’ll give a million dollars to anyone who has the nerve to jump in. The words were barely out of his mouth when there was a loud splash.
Everyone turned around and saw Leroy in the pool! Leroy was fighting the gator and kicking its rear! Leroy was jabbing it in the eyes with his thumbs, throwing punches, head butts and choke holds, biting the gator on the tail and flipping it through the air like some kind of Judo Instructor. The water was churning and splashing everywhere. Both Leroy and the gator were screaming and raising heck. Finally Leroy strangled the gator and let it float to the top like a dime store goldfish. Leroy then slowly climbed out of the pool. Everybody was just staring at him in disbelief.
Finally the host says, ‘Well, Leroy, I reckon I owe you a million dollars.’ ‘No, that’s okay. I don’t want it,’ said Leroy. The rich man said, ‘Man, I have to give you something You won the bet. How about half a million bucks then?’ No thanks, I don’t want it,’ answered Leroy.
The host said, ‘Come on, I insist on giving you something. That was amazing. How about a new Porsche and a Rolex and some stock options?’ Again Leroy said no. Confused, the rich man asked, ‘Well, Leroy, then what do you want?’ Leroy said, ’ I want the name of the sumbich who pushed me in the pool!’
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