TBD on Ning
The Place to crack up! Laughing is allowed 24/7!
Latest Activity: yesterday
Started by EddieDingo. Last reply by Aggie yesterday.
Started by EddieDingo. Last reply by Aggie Jun 21.
Started by ozzieowl. Last reply by Aggie May 31.
I HAVE QUESTIONS - so funny! Why isn't the number 11 pronounced onety-one? If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea...does that mean that one out of five enjoys it? Why do croutons come in airtight packages? Aren't they just stale bread to begin with? If people from Poland are called Poles, then why aren't people from Holland called Holes? If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled? Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist, but a person who drives a race car is not called a racist? If it's true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the others here for? If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, then doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners depressed? Do Lipton Tea employees take 'coffee breaks?' What hair color do they put on the driver's licenses of bald men? I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little spoons and forks, so I wondered what do Chinese mothers use - toothpicks? Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do, write to them? Why don't they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the mailmen can look for them while they deliver the mail? Is it true that you never really learn to swear until you learn to drive? If a cow laughed, would milk come out of her nose? Whatever happened to Preparations A through G? Why, why, why do we press harder on the remote control when we know the batteries are getting weak? Why do banks charge a fee due to insufficient funds when they already know you're broke? Why is it that when someone tells you that there are one billion stars in the universe you believe them, but if they tell you there is wet paint you have to touch it to check? Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard? Why does Superman stop bullets with his chest, but ducks when you throw a revolver at him? Why did Kamikaze pilots wear helmets? Whose cruel idea was it to put an "s" in the word "lisp"? If people evolved from apes, why are there still apes? Why is it that, no matter what color bubble bath you use, the bubbles are always white? Is there ever a day that mattresses are not on sale? Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator with hopes that something new to eat will have materialized? Why do people run over a string a dozen times with their vacuum cleaner, then reach down, pick it up, examine it and then put it down to give the vacuum one more chance? Tell me you didn't ever do this. How do those dead bugs get into the enclosed light fixtures? Why is it that whenever you attempt to catch something that's falling off the table you always manage to knock something else over? Why, in winter, do we try to keep the house as warm as it was in summer when we complained about the heat? The statistics on sanity say that one out of every four persons is suffering from some sort of mental illness. Think of your three best friends. If they're OK, then it's you! REMEMBER, a day without a smile is like a day without sunshine is, like...night
I talked to a homeless man this morning and asked him how he ended up this way. He said, "Up until last week, I still had it all. I had plenty to eat, my clothes were washed and pressed, I had a roof over my head, I had TV and Internet, and I went to the gym, the pool, and the library. I was working on my MBA on-line. I had no bills and no debt. I even had full medical and dental coverage." I felt sorry for him, so I asked, "What happened? Drugs? Alcohol? Divorce?" "Oh no, nothing like that," he said. I just got out of prison..."
The psychology instructor had just finished a lecture on mental health and was giving an oral test. Speaking specifically about manic depression, she asked, "How would you diagnose a patient who walks back and forth screaming at the top of his lungs one minute, then sits in a chair weeping uncontrollably the next?" A young man in the rear raised his hand and answered, 'A basketball coach?'
I was in the express lane at the store quietly fuming. Completely ignoring the sign, the woman ahead of me had slipped into the check-out line pushing a cart piled high with groceries. Imagine my delight when the cashier beckoned the woman to come forward, looked into the cart and asked sweetly, "So which ten items would you like to buy?"
I am posting this with a heavy heart.
I love cows and everything that comes with it... but I am officially done in 2020. This is taking up too much of my time. I’m struggling to keep up with the everyday chores of cooking, cleaning and maintaining my home, so something has to give. I have decided to get rid of all my gear. Below is a list of what's available. Serious inquiries only, and please don't insult me with low offers. Thanks for reading and understanding... 1. Vacuum cleaner 2. Dustpan and broom 3. Mop and bucket 4. Lawn Mower 5. Leaf blower 6. Laundry detergent 7. Iron 8. Stove 9. washer dryer Anything helps for more cow supplies.
HAPPY NEW YEAR everyone!
Funny, but creepy! CALLER: Is this Gordon's Pizza? GOOGLE: No Sir, it's Google Pizza. CALLER: I must have dialed a wrong number. Sorry. GOOGLE: No Sir, Google bought Gordon’s Pizza last month. CALLER: OK. I would like to order a pizza. GOOGLE: Do you want your usual, Sir? CALLER: My usual? You know me? GOOGLE: According to our caller ID data sheet, the last 12 times you called you ordered an extra-large pizza with three cheeses, sausage, pepperoni, mushrooms and meatballs on a thick crust. CALLER: OK! That’s what I want … GOOGLE: May I suggest that this time you order a pizza with ricotta, arugula, sun-dried tomatoes and olives on a whole wheat gluten-free thin crust? CALLER: What? I hate vegetables! GOOGLE: Your cholesterol is not good, Sir. CALLER: How the hell do you know ??? GOOGLE: Well, we cross-referenced your home phone number with your medical records. We have the result of your blood tests for the last 7 years. CALLER: Okay, but I do not want your rotten vegetable pizza! I already take medication for my cholesterol. GOOGLE: Excuse me Sir, but you have not taken your medication regularly. According to our database, you only purchased a box of 30 cholesterol tablets once, at Drug RX Network, 4 months ago. CALLER: I bought more from another drugstore. GOOGLE: That doesn’t show on your credit card statement. CALLER: I paid in cash. GOOGLE: But you did not withdraw enough cash according to your bank statement. CALLER: I have other sources of cash. GOOGLE: That doesn’t show on your last tax return unless you bought them using an undeclared income source, which is against the law. CALLER: WHAT THE HELL!!! GOOGLE: I'm sorry, Sir, we use such information only with the sole intention of helping you. CALLER: Enough already! I'm sick to death of Google, Facebook, Twitter, WhatsApp and all the others. I'm going to an island without internet, cable TV, where there is no cell phone service and no one to watch me or spy on me. GOOGLE: I understand Sir, but you need to renew your passport first. It expired 6 weeks ago.
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