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May the force be with you
A man in Scotland calls his son in London the day before Christmas Eve and says, "I hate to ruin your day but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing. Forty-five years of misery is enough". "Dad, what are you talking about?'" the son screams. "We can't stand the sight of each other any longer", the father says. "We're sick of each other and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Leeds and tell her". Frantically, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone, "Like hell they're getting divorced", she shouts, "I'll take care of this". She calls Scotland immediately and screams at her father, "You are NOT getting divorced. Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm calling my brother back and we'll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don't do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?" and hangs up. The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife. "Done! They're coming for Christmas, and they're paying their own way.."
Subject: Puns for the Minds Some old, some new and something blew!
Puns for Educated Minds
The fattest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi.
I thought I saw an eye-doctor on an Alaskan island,
but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian.
She was only a whiskey-maker, but he loved her still.
A rubber-band pistol was confiscated from an algebra class,
because it was a weapon of math disruption.
No matter how much you push the envelope,
it'll still be stationery.
A dog gave birth to puppies near the road
and was cited for littering.
A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would
result in Linoleum Blownapart.
Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.
A hole has been found in the nudist-camp wall.
The police are looking into it.
Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the other: "You stay here, I'll go on a head."
I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.
A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said:
' Keep off the Grass.'
The midget fortune-teller who escaped from
prison was a small medium at large.
The soldier who survived mustard gas and
pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.
A backward poet writes inverse.
In a democracy it's your vote that counts.
In feudalism it's your count that votes.
When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion.
If you jumped off the bridge in Paris , you'd be in Seine .
A vulture carrying two dead raccoons boards an airplane. The
stewardess looks at him and says,
" I'm sorry, sir, only one carrion allowed per passenger."
Two fish swim into a concrete wall.
One turns to the other and says, " Dam! "
Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.
Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says, "I've lost my electron. "The other says, " Are you sure? "
The first replies, " Yes, I'm positive. "
Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain
during a root-canal? His goal: transcend dental medication.
There was the person who sent ten puns to friends, with the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh. No pun in ten did.
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