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Comment by wee soozy on August 28, 2009 at 2:16pm

All hair removal methods have tricked women with their promises of easy, painless removal - The Epilady, scissors, razors, Nair and now...the wax.

My night began as any other normal weeknight. Come home, fix dinner, play with the kids. I then had the thought that would ring painfully in my mind for the next few hours: "Maybe I should pull the waxing kit out of the medicine cabinet."So I headed to the site of my demise: the bathroom. It was one of those "cold wax" kits. No melting a clump of hot wax, you just rub the strips together in your hand, they get warm and you peel them apart and press them to your leg (or wherever else) and you pull the hair right off. No muss, no fuss. How hard can it be? I mean, I'm not a genius, but I am mechanically inclined enough to figure this out.(YA THINK!!)So I pull one of the thin strips out. Its two strips facing each other stuck together. Instead of rubbing them t together, my genius kicks in so I get out the hair dryer and heat it to 1000 degrees.("Cold wax," yeah...right)! I lay the strip across my thigh. Hold the skin around it tight and pull. It works! OK, so it wasn't the best feeling, but it wasn't too bad. I can do this! Hair removal no longer eludes me! I am She-rah, fighter of all wayward body hair and maker of smooth skin extraordinaire.With my next wax strip I move north. After checking on the kids, I sneak back into the bathroom, for the ultimate hair fighting championship. I drop my panties and place one foot on the toilet. Using the same procedure, I apply the was strip across the right side of my bikini line, covering the right half of my vagina and stretching down to the inside of my butt cheek (Yes, it was a long strip) I inhale deeply and brace myself....RRRRIIIPPP!!!! I'm blind!!! Blinded from pain!!!!....OH MY GOD!!!!!!!!! Vision returning , I notice that I've only managed to pull off half the strip. CRAP!!! Another deep breath and RRIIPP!!
Everything is swirly and spotted. I think I may pass out...must stay conscious...Do I hear crashing drums??? Breathe, breathe...OK, back to normal. I want to see my trophy -- a wax covered strip, the one that has caused me so much pain, with my hairy pelt sticking to it. I want to revel in the glory that is my triumph over body hair. I hold up the strip! There's no hair on it. Where is the hair??? WHERE IS THE WAX???Slowly I ease my head down, foot still perched on the toilet. I see the hair. The hair that should be on the strip. I touch. I am touching wax. CRAP! I run my fingers over the most sensitive part of my body, which is now covered in cold wax and matted hair. Then I make the next BIG mistake...remember my foot is still propped up on the toilet? I know I need to do some thing. So I put my foot down.
DAMN!!!!! I hear the slamming of a cell door. Vagina? Sealed shut!.... Butt?? ...Sealed shut!I penguin walk around the bathroom trying to figure out what to do and think to myself "Please don't let me get the urge to poop. My head may pop off!" What can I do to melt the wax? Hot water!! Hot water melts wax!! I'll run the hottest water I can stand into the bathtub, get in, immerse the wax-covered bits and the wax should melt and I can gently wipe it off, right??? *WRONG!!!!!!!*I get in the tub -- the water is slightly hotter than that used to torture prisoners of war or sterilize surgical equipment - I sit. Now, the only thing worse than having your nether regions glued together, is having them glued together and then glued to the bottom of the tub...in scalding hot water. Which, by the way, doesn't melt cold wax. So, now I'm stuck to the bottom of the tub as though I had cement-epoxied myself to the porcelain!! God bless the man who had convinced me a few months ago to have a phone put in the bathroom!!!!!I call my friend, thinking surely she has waxed before and has some secret of how to get me undone. It's a very good conversation starter - - - - "So, my butt and who-ha are glued together to the bottom of the tub!"There is a slight pause. She doesn't know any secret tricks for removal but she does try to hide her laughter from me. She wants to know exactly where the wax is located, "Are we talking cheeks or hole or who-ha?" She's laughing out loud by now...I can hear her. I give her the rundown and she suggests I call the number on the side of the box.YEAH!!!!! Right!! I should be the joke of someone else's night. While we go through various solutions. I resort to scraping the wax off with a razor. Nothing feels better then to have your girlie goodies covered in hot wax, glued shut, stuck to the tub in super hot water and then dry-shaving the sticky wax off!! By now the brain is not working, dignity has taken a major hike and I'm pretty sure I'm going to need Post-Traumatic Stress counseling for this event.My friend is still talking with me when I finally see my saving grace....the lotion they give you to remove the excess wax. What do I really have to lose at this point? I rub some on and OH MY GOD!!!!!!! The scream probably woke the kids and scared the dickens out of my friend. It's sooo painful, but I really don't care. "IT WORKS!! It works!!" I get a hearty congratulation from my friend and she hangs up. I successfully remove the remainder of the wax and then notice to my grief and despair.... THE HAIR IS STILL THERE.......ALL OF IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!.So I recklessly shave it off. Heck, I'm numb by now. Nothing hurts. I could have amputated my own leg at this point.Next week I'm going to try hair color......

Comment by Jim Best on August 28, 2009 at 7:47am

2 women are in their office working, one is a blonde, the other a redhead. A dozen red roses are delivered to the red head after lunch on Friday. She said " I suppose I will have to spend this weekend on my back with my legs open" The blonde replied " don't you have a vase"

Comment by L.C. DeMartin on August 28, 2009 at 12:04am

Q. What do you do if a blonde throws a grenade at you?
A. Pull the pin and throw it back.

Q. Why is it difficult to find men who are sensitive, caring, and good looking?
A. They already have boyfriends.

Q. What do you call a guy who never farts in public?
A. A private tutor.

I know these are old and tired jokes. I posted them as
a favor to my old friend P. Dawn Knightly

Comment by Aggie on August 27, 2009 at 7:05pm

An 86-year-old man went for a physical. All of his tests come back with normal results.
The doctor said, 'George, everything looks great. How are you doing mentally and motionally? Are you at peace with God?'
George replied, 'God and I are tight. He knows I have poor eyesight, so he's fixed it so when I get up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom, poof! The light goes on. When I'm done, poof! The light goes off.'
'Wow, that's incredible,' the doctor said. A little later in the day, the doctor called George's wife.
'Ethel,' he said, 'George is doing fine!
But I had to call you because I'm in awe of his relationship with God.
Is it true that when he gets up during the night to go to the bathroom that, poof!
The light goes on in the bathroom, and when he's done, poof! The light goes off?'
'Oh, my Lord!' Ethel exclaimed, 'He's peeing in the refrigerator again!'

Comment by OCNaturalDoc on August 27, 2009 at 3:46pm

This is a true story that happened during a Michigan newscast, which had half the state laughing for 2 days and a very embarrassed female news anchor who will, going forward, think before she speaks.

What happens when you predict snow but don't get any? The day after it was supposed to have snowed and didn't, a female news anchor turned to the weatherman and asked, "So Bob, where's that 8 inches you promised me last night?'

Not only did HE have to leave the set, but half the crew did too they were laughing so hard!

Comment by Aggie on August 26, 2009 at 5:40pm

After the eighty-three year old lady finished her annual physical examination, the doctor said, "You are in fine shape for your age, Mrs. Mallory, but tell me, do you still have intercourse?"

"Just a minute, I'll have to ask my husband," she said. She stepped out into the crowded reception room and yelled out loud: "Bob, do we still have intercourse?" And there was a hush .

You could hear a pin drop.

Bob answered impatiently, "If I told you once, Irma, I told you a hundred times...

What we have is...

Blue Cross!"

Comment by Patti on August 26, 2009 at 11:21am

Very funny Billy.............you should take your show on the road!

Comment by Billy Bones on August 26, 2009 at 10:06am

I am passing this on to you because it definitely works, and we could
all use a little more calmness in our lives. By following simple advice
heard on the Dr. Phil show, you too can find inner peace. Dr. Phil
proclaimed, 'The way to achieve inner peace is to finish all the things
you have started and have never finished.' So, I looked around my house
to see all the things I started and hadn't finished, and before leaving
the house this morning, I finished off a bottle of White Zinfandel, a
bottle of Bailey's Irish Cream, a package of Oreos, the remainder of my
old Prozac prescription, the rest of the cheesecake, some Doritos, and a
box of chocolates. You have no idea how freaking good I feel right now.

Comment by Billy Bones on August 24, 2009 at 7:18am

A married couple were in a terrible accident where the man's face was severely burned. The doctor told the husband that they couldn't graft any skin from his body because he was too skinny. So the wife offered to donate some of her own skin. However, the only skin on her body that the doctor felt was suitable would have to come from her buttocks.

The husband and wife agreed that they would tell no one about where the skin came from, and they requested that the doctor also honor their secret. After all, this was a very delicate matter. After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the man's new face. He looked more handsome than he ever had before! All his friends and relatives just went on and on about his youthful skin!

One day, he was alone with his wife, and he was overcome with emotion at her sacrifice. He said, "Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you did for me. How can I possibly repay you?" My darling, " she replied, " I get all the thanks I need every time I see your mother kiss you on the cheek.

There now, doesn't that just make you warm all over ?

Comment by Thomas William Farquhar on August 24, 2009 at 12:51am

In the Old West the new husband and his bride are in their horse and buggy on their way home. The horse sees a snake and rears up, the man cracks his whip and says "Whoa Nelly, and that`s once." A little further his horse rears again, the man again cracks his whip and again says "Whoa Nelly, and that`s twice". Eventually just as they arrive at themans` ranch the horse rears again, the man says "That`s it!" He gets out and shoots the horse. His bride says "Jethro why be so cruel?" The man answers "Whoa wife, that`s once."

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