Keep Laughing!

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Comment by Aggie on October 16, 2018 at 10:46am

https://youtu.be/mGcHNnI2mh4

Comment by Aggie on October 15, 2018 at 6:39am

Subject: Puns for the Minds
Some old, some new and something blew!
Puns for Educated Minds

The fattest knight at King Arthur's round table was
Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi.
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I thought I saw an eye-doctor on an Alaskan island,
but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian.
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She was only a whiskey-maker, but he loved her still.
--------
A rubber-band pistol was confiscated from an algebra class,
because it was a weapon of math disruption.
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No matter how much you push the envelope,
it'll still be stationery.
--------
A dog gave birth to puppies near the road
and was cited for littering.
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A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would
result in Linoleum Blownapart.
--------
Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.
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A hole has been found in the nudist-camp wall.
The police are looking into it.
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Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
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Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
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Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the other: "You stay here, I'll go on a head."
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I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.
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A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said:
' Keep off the Grass.'
--------
The midget fortune-teller who escaped from
prison was a small medium at large.
--------
The soldier who survived mustard gas and
pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.
--------
A backward poet writes inverse.
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In a democracy it's your vote that counts.
In feudalism it's your count that votes.
--------
When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion.
If you jumped off the bridge in Paris , you'd be in Seine .
--------
A vulture carrying two dead raccoons boards an airplane. The
stewardess looks at him and says,
" I'm sorry, sir, only one carrion allowed per passenger."
--------
Two fish swim into a concrete wall.
One turns to the other and says, " Dam! "
--------
Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.
--------
Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says, "I've lost my electron. "The other says, " Are you sure? "
The first replies, " Yes, I'm positive. "
--------
Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain
during a root-canal? His goal: transcend dental medication.
--------
There was the person who sent ten puns to friends, with the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh. No pun in ten did.

Comment by flippr 2.0 on October 4, 2018 at 6:29pm

Comment by Aggie on October 2, 2018 at 2:32pm

Comment by Aggie on September 30, 2018 at 10:36am

I hate people who can't let go of the past.
Debt collectors are the worst.

Comment by Aggie on September 27, 2018 at 7:15pm

I went to CVS Pharmacy, straight to the back, where the Pharmacists' counter is located.
I took out my little brown bottle, along with a teaspoon, and set them up on the counter.
The Pharmacist came over, smiled, and asked if he could help me. I said, "Yes! Could you please taste this for me?
He took the spoon, put a large bit of the liquid on it & tasted it.
Then he spit it out on the floor and began coughing.
When he finally was finished, I asked, "Now, does that taste sweet to you?" The Pharmacist, shaking his head back and forth with a venomous look in his eyes yelled, "HECK NO!!!" I said, "Oh, thank Goodness! That's a real relief! My doctor told me to have a Pharmacist test my urine for sugar!"
I can never go back to that CVS, but I really don't care, because they aren't very friendly.

Comment by flippr 2.0 on September 26, 2018 at 12:22pm

Comment by metub4 on September 26, 2018 at 8:08am

There was a man who had worked his whole life in a pickle factory. One day he came home and told his wife that it was time to retire because he had been fired from his job.

 

She began to scream and yell, "You have given them twenty years of devoted service. Why did they fire you?"

 

"For twenty years I've wanted to stick my pecker in the pickle slicer," he explained, "and today I finally did it!"

 

The wife ran over and pulled his pants down to see what damage had been done. "You look okay," she said with a sigh of relief. "So what happened to the pickle slicer?"

 

"Well," he said with hesitation, "they fired her, too and she's going to retire."

Never say a humorous thing to a man who does not possess humour. He will always use it in evidence against you.
— Sir Herbert Beerbohm Tree

Comment by flippr 2.0 on September 25, 2018 at 2:16pm

Comment by Aggie on September 23, 2018 at 1:46pm

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