Move on?

[Pamela 1959]

I have been dating this man for about 4 months now. Very nice man and we have a lot of the same interests. In the beginning we lived about 45 miles apart. I work 12 miles from him and we would meet all the time after work 3-4 times a week and get together on weekends. I moved to be closer to work about 7 weeks ago. I just seems to me that he now acts like I am his, (girlfriend) he does not have to make any effort other than calling me every day and arranging an outing and overnight stay on the weekend.

I know that there would not be a future for us in the long run because I am an organized person thats likes to have a clean home, and when things need to be done I do them. He on the other hand is a total slob and has a place that is falling apart around him and really just doesn't care.

With that said am I wrong to be still seeing this person? He has told me that he would be crushed if I was dating anyone else. Is guilt keeping me from ending it? I do like the man but I am not " head over heels about him"

I would be interested in your thoughts.

[Pamela 1959]

I think in my heart that I do know the answer, but the thought has crossed my mind that I might be a bit shallow by thinking this way.

[Pamela 1959]

As a companion he is fine. but you have hit the nail on the head.. I want more than just a friend and that is all I feel for him at this time. With the differences in lifestyle I cannot see anything more to build on for the future.

[WS]

Tell him the truth gently. You owe it to both of you.

[Dazzling Zoomer Gal Diana]

Hi Pamela '59 and welcome to For Women Only!

The "he does not have to make any effort" bit disturbs me, along with the " I know that there would not be a future for us in the long run" . I think you know, in your heart (as Bonnie has said too) the answer to your question. Two people who care about one another make an effort for one another, and do not take each other for granted - as he is already doing with you, whilst imposing inappropriate guilt upon you by stating that he would be "crushed" if you dated someone else. Pffft. What is there REALLY to like about this man pray tell - other than some interests that do not clearly include you in the manner that you deserve?

No one ever said that being alone without a beau is fun. But being with a man who is clearly not seriously smitten with you diminishes you. When a man adores a women - he will make every effort to ensure that she is happy. This chap sounds as if he is set in his ways, and has found an easy mark. Using one another - will eventually leave both of you with a bad taste and a lowered spirit. If you see no future for yourself with this chap - call it a day, wish him well, and move on.

Trust me, he will live. You - deserve to be REALLY happy. Make YOU your number one priority!

[Suuse]

What Dazz said:

"...Two people who care about one another make an effort for one another, and do not take each other for granted - as he is already doing with you, whilst imposing inappropriate guilt upon you by stating that he would be "crushed" if you dated someone else. Pffft. What is there REALLY to like about this man pray tell - other than some interests that do not clearly include you in the manner that you deserve."

I can't tell you precisely what to do, but I can strongly urge you: Don't sell yourself short, and don't settle.

[Pamela 1959]

Thank all of of you for your input, I agree with everything you have said. I do know for me that I need more. I have never stayed with someone just not to be alone. I just really dislike hurting people and I wanted to make sure that I was heading in the right direction. I know now that he is set in his ways, time gave me a truer picture of his life style. ( His personal hygiene was excellent... lol).

[Dazzling Zoomer Gal Diana]

Pamela, we can only relate to your situation based upon our own highly subjective experiences, and of course, we do not have his side of the story to consider. But in the world of feminine camaraderie, we all know that some men are more perfect than others, and as we age - the clock is ticking too quickly now to intentionally make a mistake that could have been avoided by carefully considering all the ramifications of our actions. We tend to put others first - at all costs. I have found this to be too high a price to pay for my sanity and happiness. Personally, if I'm happy - the man I'm with is even more happy. This is what we all wish for you Pamela, that you be happy!

[Pamela 1959]

The reason I love TBD is because I get to hear very valuable words from wonderful women. I had always put others needs before my own and it was the root of my own unhappiness. I have changed a great deal since those days. I still give much consideration to my actions, but in the long run I alone am responsible for making my life a happy one.

[Dazzling Zoomer Gal Diana]

(Quote: George Bernard Shaw!) We are here to give of our heart's experience as each of us knows best. Thank you for your trust Pamela! Let us know how things go. We will want to know. Life is a series of reincarnations - as we shed the old and embrace the new, one day at a time, with courage and determination.
Do the thing you fear - and the death of fear is certain. R.W. Emerson

[Judi]

You date slobs and jerks, you marry slobs and jerks. Just don't whine and moan when it actually happens. My mom use to tell me not to date anyone I wouldn't consider marrying, as we often don't seem to have a choice of who we crush on or fall in love with. So, use your head as the heart has no brain.

[Dazzling Zoomer Gal Diana]

It is only by trail and error that we find our way, and our hearts desire today will not be the same tomorrow. Certainly it is true that people can not change others, and people only modify their behavior when they have profound reasons to do so. If a man's lifestyle clashes with yours from the get go, it will never improve, it will only become worse. If you organize your world to accommodate someone who will not accommodate your wishes too, you set yourself up for a fall of such a great degree that it will be hard to easily recover, for you will have betrayed yourself, your hearts desire.