What would YOU do?

[Kim]

A couple of years ago, my NOW 25 year old daughter announced she was moving OUT of her hometown and to MY hometown to "start over" after being laid off from a Vet Tech job with NO opportunities in her area PLUS she left her boyfriend. I told her to throw her 2 dogs in the car and just VISIT for 2 weeks and dont make that kind of drastic decision....YET! She agreed but 2 days before she was to return to Tennessee, we were in a bad car accident. My fractured sternum healed within 2 months but it took her MUCH longer to heal from a fractured back. She STILL hurts after 2 years but she is finally able to lift more than 10 pounds and find a job (about a year ago now) though she was never able to go back as a Vet Tech.

As you guessed, she ended up staying here and even eventually liking it. Without a job, the only other option she had was to live with her dad and his new wife and family in Tennessee and they made it clear she could NOT bring her dogs, birds, and hamster. So, she STAYED here. When she got a job, I asked for half the rent, her half of car insurance, (she had a hard time getting a license renewed to Pennsylvania so she couldnt get her own), to clean up after herself, and ALL expenses related to all the pets was HERS. I have 2 dogs also but we agreed she would buy the dog food. Well, she had a dog bite where she missed 3 and a half weeks of work. (She got a staph infection and ended up going to  the hospital for 5 days.) and around Christmas, they had everyone's full time hours cut down to about 25-30 a week so she would say, can I give you X amount this paycheck and I would AGREE.

Around February, I ended up moving in with an old couple I took care of for the past year and a half. I live here (at THEIR house) MOST of the time. I have a total of 48 hours OFF. When I first discussed this with her in the beginning of me possibly doing this arrangement   I said, I do NOT intend to come home and CLEAN. Though she seems to try, she is JUST not very good at it and the birds produce a lot of dust and mess. I TRY not to attack her but say something like, "THE bathroom REAALLY needs cleaned or kitchen, or vacuumed or whatever." So she will text me (Its hard for me to be on the phone because my old people are hard of hearing and they keep thinking you're talking to THEM....LOL) and give me this long list of what she did. When i get home, she did what she said but like if she cleaned the bathroom, the floor's a mess or the bathtub is dusty (I have a giagantic bathroom and one of those big "garden" tubs....just the thing every mobile home NEEDS!) or the garbage is overflowing.  We generally get along but she is a bit of an impatient  hot head like her dad and if I try to tell her she needs to do this and this and this, she will accuse me of not appreciating ALL she did.  I have let her slide on the money she owes me and told her she can pay me when she gets her settlement. SHOULD I charge her an EXTRA "cleaning fee"? I have encouraged her to THINK about what she wants to do with that money because it will be a lot and it would be bad to just blow it and live it up lavishly WITHOUT making some investments in, AT LEAST a car and a home (I did encourage a mobile home because: SHe could KEEP her pets and if she comes on HARD times, her "rent" would always be TONS less than ANY apartment. HA!! That's what WE thought...the joke is on us....she is getting BARELY enough to buy a new car. She insists on a new practical/reliable car and I cant blame her realy. She has one that BARELY gets her where she wants to go, as it is.

I have NO IDEA how long I will NOT live in my own home. The man died almost a month ago and I'm not sure how long his wife will last, to be honest. But in the meantime, should I charge her an ADDDITIONAL cleaning fee if its not kept up sufficiently? or just accept it for what it is?

[Mickchick]

Accept it for what it is, or tell her if she doesn't live up to your standards, she's going to have to find somewhere else to live, and MEAN it. That puts the ball in her court.  If she wants to keep the animals and stay with you,she's going to have to do what you want, otherwise she'll have to find another place. You're just going to be fighting about it and destroy  your relationship with each other IMO. 

[Wayne Goodwin]

I have found you give an inch you loose a foot . People get used to taking advantage . After a while they act like you owe them . Losing situation unless you put your foot down . I've been through it , i know ....

[crestofwaves]

I work in an affluent school district where kids go to summer camp all summer when they are young and go off to high ende schools when they graduate high school, and they are mostly independent and successful and out of their parents hair and pocketbooks.  However, I think this is the only country that frowns upon the concept of the extended family where everyone lives together and helps each other.

I read several years ago a piece by Margaret Meade denouncing the nuclear family because  in other cultures, even with childcare, when the mother has had enough, one of the others takes over and no one gets frustrated and the kids are always feeling love.  This is the way I grew up.  Aunts and grandparents and kids all living together or near each other and helping financially and with chores and child care duties.  It kind of makes sense to me.

 

[Lifesighs]

I guess I would have a nice heart to heart with her, tell her the things that really get to you and bother you and let her know where you can lower your standards a bit, it's tough when two adults are trying to live in the same house. I never had a daughter so I would be thrilled if I had one come live with me. 

She has to realize that you are the boss and you could ask her to leave which would make things difficult for her so she needs to appreciate that you are making a sacrifice. Make a schedule that is doable for certain chores with a fine for when they aren't completed or something like that. I would really try to work it out with an honest discussion. 

You might ask yourself if it's really the housework that's bothering you or is it some other thing going on. Sometimes we can fool ourselves.

[crestofwaves]

If I really needed the money, I would charge fees and collect some of the settlement money, but I don't.  I think from your own financial need, you will know what to do.

 

My daughter got a settlement from a car accident.  She bought a car, which she needed, then spent it augmenting her part time pay at Home DePot.  I made very good money as a teacher in NJ, so I didn't need any from her.  She lives with me, but I didn't ask for anything other than that she take care of her own needs--not her medical bills--she has real issues, but everything else, which she does.  I don't mind her living here, although I wish she had her own life and a place of her own with somebody to love ( she has a boyfriend who just got a job, THANK GOD, so maybe soon...). Come to think of it, I wouldn't mind if either of my kids or both lived with me as long as they took care of their own needs. As i said, I grew up with people people people all around all the time, so it's not unusual for me.  I go off by myself when I need the space.

[Kim]

Thank you to EACH one of you. All the responses were very helpful and I guess I realized something after reading the last 3 posts by Rose, Lifesighs, and Crest. First off, I am NOT a neat freak and this is NOT really about how clean the house is. If I was living there regularly, I would be doing basic cleaning and really not "knocking myself out". In fact, the weather outside would be guiding how much I would be inside CLEANING!!  BEFORE I had the LIVE IN position, I did struggle financially but I have always been able to pay my rent, car insurance, phone, and electric. NO extras but I am not wanting or needing of extras. I charged her a certain amount SIMPLY to instill some sort of responsibility to her. BUT I also realized something when reading the last 3 posts. Something I am a bit ashamed of....

First of all, setting LOVE for my daughter aside, I really LIKE her. ALthough she has ALWAYS (and I mean from the very DAY she was born!!)  been a bit difficult and strong willed in her personality, we both have the same passions for nature, animals, photography, etc. We enjoy spending time together and I enjoy her living with me. INSIDE, I dont feel it is "wrong" that she is not out "living on her own". Financially, it would be nearly impossible for her to survive on her own right now. I have a spare room which before she came, was my "craft room". It is NOW her bedroom with the "entertainment center" full of craft supplies still in there. When I was living at home, our schedules were different enough that we had adequate alone time. When we are home together, we often eat dinner, talk about  our lives, take some or all the dogs out for a hike or a car ride, watch a movie, be entertained by her GOOFY cockatoo or one of her "show birds" (cockatiels), Soooo...WHAT is wrong with THAT?! Well, NOTHING REALLY except that society says our kids are lame for coming back to live with us parents and I am embarrassed and ashamed to say, I guess I haev subscribed to that way of thinking even though "INSIDE" myself,  I really dont feel that way, at least in OUR situation. My daughter isnt asking for a free ride or for me to wait on her hand and foot. Actually, she LOVES her work, even if she gets bit sometimes...LOL!! I actually would love to transform it where its more HER HOUSE. I think part of the problem is she doesnt take ownership of it because...lets face it, she moved into MY HOUSE with MY furnishings and decorations, etc. BUT I cant really do that because I really have NO IDEA how long I will LIVE with the old lady. May be 2 months or 10 years so I dont want to make irreversible plans. And ALSO....the house isnt REALLY my house. It was my grandparents' mobile home till they died then it was my Dad and aunt's.  They "offered" me to buy the place but I wasnt and still am NOT in a position to do that but they were satisfied that I moved in and pay the lot rent and the electric every month so THEY dont have to. My dad lives 45 minutes away BUT he lives in the area I live in during the week so we meet up and he doesnt see the house much or he hasnt in awhile. I'm not sure if he saw the one spot where the Cockatoo decided to EAT part of the wall!!

[crestofwaves]

Don't feel ashamed.  Sometimes the kids get on our last nerve, and that is aboslutley fine. I have to keep telling myself as I bang my head against the wall, "It's their journey.  The same way I fucked up when I was young and survived is the same way they will.  It's their journey. It's their journey." 

It really is society that says we have to break ties.  And it's mainly AMERICAN society.  In Italy, too, all the kids have their own lives, but so many families live together, old and young, without a thought about it.  Even animal families, like wolves, still live together after the kids become adults.  I'm not talking about sick symbiotic relationships, lol, but extended family... is nice.

We do so many things to make ourselves crazy.  Remember when we were told to let our babies cry themselves to sleep or they'd be spoiled.  In tribal cultures, where is the baby, always?   Strapped to the mother and the warmth and the movement comforts it so that those babies cry less than ours.  Civilization is a strange thing, lololol.

[blithe spirit]

I don't have children of my own, but I do have a large extended family and that is our safety net, our soft place to fall if any of us need it. I don't want any of them to become financially dependent, but they do know any of them needs some help I am here. My parents didn't kick any of us out of the nest...we have all made lives for ourselves but from time to time we have all needed help...they have and we have. I moved back in with my parents when I became seriously ill but i got better and left...My brother died and I took my nephew to live with me for a time...My neice needed help with some college and I was able to help...My Dad developed dementia and I moved back in with my parents to help out... after my Dad died, I left...and it goes on and on...its the way life is. I am extremely independent but we all know we need a boost every now and again...I am fortunately to have family that is that is this way.

Kim, looks like your heart is telling you how to proceed...trust it...ignore conventional society's rules...I've made it my life's work..... just how are their rules working for them?

[Lifesighs]

I agree with everyone, my best advice would be to enjoy the fun you have together and don't worry about what the world says should happen. Let your own instinct and feelings be your guide. Laugh at the freakin world & moon it if you want.

[crestofwaves]

Wish there was a like button here, Lifesighs!

[Wayne Goodwin]

[crestofwaves]

TY!!