Divorce: The Long Term Effects

[Uncle Spencer]

I was divorced at the end of 2007 after 24 years of marriage. From my perspective, it was a happy marriage, producing three children and a fulfilling family life. My wife became unhappy the last couple of years and wanted out. She did not want counseling, she just wanted out. Her reason was she felt we "didn't have anything in common." Also, she had found someone else she wanted to be with. So she left.
Well, life went on. Things were tough for awhile, but I picked myself up and moved on. I kept the house and continued to finish raising the kids who are mostly grown now, 23, 21 and 18 years old. I started dating a woman shortly after the divorce and continue to date her now. She is a good person and I love her. We have been dating about 18 months now. I have become close to her family and she gets along well with my family too. She was married for 12 years and then her husband left her. They did not have children and she has been divorced for about 10 years.
While I truly care for her and enjoy my time with her immensely, I have no desire to remarry or to live together. She says she feels the same right now, but that she looks forward to a time when we can get married. I'm not sure I could ever go through another divorce, emotionally or financially. I think that is one reason I am not excited to get re-married.
Like most couples, we have our little issues. It seems living apart really keeps the disagreements to a minimum. I enjoy not having to compromise on issues around the house. I can arrange things the way I want, do laundry and clean when I feel like it, not worry if my kid is home from college and messes up the house, et cetera.
I know my life would be lonely without her in it, but I also feel like I would be smothered if we lived together. Right now, things are working for us. We date exclusively and see each other almost daily, but we keep our own places.
Are there other people out there in similar situations? Did divorce change your perspective on your relationships? Is it harder to make a permanent commitment now? I think being divorced has really changed my perspective on some things

[Luca22]

I'm at a similar point in my life only that I have decided not to date again. I can't say at right now that it will be indefinite, but at this point I have absolutely no desire to share my life with anyone. My reasons are similar and different. I do still have kids living at home with me and to me it does not seem appropriate to take a chance again to bring someone into our/their life, disrupt their life to a certain lever or expose them to possible hurt or disappointment. It is one thing if that happens to me, but I won't allow this to happen to my kids. The other reason is, that I am completely satisfied with my life and the way I spend my time. I don't feel like I want my life to be dictated by someone else and chance my schedule or my ways to please someone else. Even if that was not expected I would feel guilty if I couldn't split myself between a partner, my children, my work, my friends and myself. I do like it the way it is, I am absolutely certain that I don't want to be in a live-in situation with someone again and I find nothing wrong with that.

[Uncle Spencer]

I hear what your saying, Anthony. You make an excellent point. There's no doubt that I am definitely holding back some. You are right in that regard. But in our case, unlike yours maybe, she is also holding back some, as she was also burned badly in a marriage. I think in our case it is just a matter of time that we work past this situation. Time will tell I'm sorry about your experience of being on the receiving end. I hope things in your life are good now. You've given me some food for thought here and I appreciate it.

[Chez moi]

Well, I have never been divorced, but after six years on my own as a widow, I have come to the conclusion that an arrangement like yours would be ideal, and I see several in my circle of acquaintances who do this very thing. They see each other often and exclusively, travel together, but maintain their own homes and family lives with far less friction. French married men, if I may generalize, tend to be a bit more demanding in terms of wanting lunch on the table and a warm presence in the house when they are there. These women like the independence they have with this arrangement. I also have a friend, American, who is in tourism, and she has noticed more and more older couples on her tours who keep separate residences but spend much of their time together. In talking to them, she has discovered just what you say - there are just so many advantages to it.

One thing that is uncertain is whether separation in such circumstances would not be as painful as in a conventional divorce. At very least you'd be spared the wrenching physical division of the household.

[Donna Golden]

Hi Fred...After 11 year in my first marriage, I got the divorce because he was very controlling. I got married too young and I didn't love him. I thought I could learn to love him because he was nice to me. But he used the Bible for his own selfish purposes. He was very legalistic with the Bible. The Bible met his needs because he new I wanted to be a good wife and be submissive and so I just listened to him, but after 11 years of him telling me what I could and couldn't do, I just couldn't take it any more. i saw a therapist behind his back. He
refused to go for counseling...so I went without his permission. Well, he told me I could get a divorce and that is exactly what I did. As I was going thru divorce procedings I was so lonely I asked my brother if he knew of anyone in the Navy there that would write to me.....he chose his best friend..Joe! We wrote for a
few months and began to fall in love through the letters! He was so different than my 1st husband and I just knew things could be different with him. Well they have been much better for nearly 25 years now in
Feb. God bless, Fred. Donna

[John Dalhouse]

that not many fights because not around much is a good idea!