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Comment by Aggie on July 26, 2011 at 10:10pm

The religious cowboy lost his favorite Bible while he was mending fences out on the range.

Three weeks later a cow walked up to him carrying the Bible in its mouth.

The cowboy couldn't believe his eyes. He took the precious book out of the cow's mouth, raised his eyes heavenward and exclaimed, "It's a miracle!"

"Not really," said the cow. "Your name is written inside the cover."

Comment by metub4 on July 23, 2011 at 5:27am

REMEMBER 6 MONTHS AGO

Comment by metub4 on July 22, 2011 at 3:49am

My wife said to me, "Frank, it's about time that you learned to play golf - You know, golf. That's the game where you chase a ball all over the country when you are too old to chase women."

So, I went to see Red Miller and asked him if he would teach me how to play. He said, "Sure, you've got balls, haven't you?" I said, "Yes, but sometimes on cold mornings they're kinda hard to find." "Bring them to the clubhouse tomorrow." he said, "And we will tee off." "What's tea off?" I asked. He said, "It's a golf term and we have to tee off in front of the clubhouse." "Not at a bar somewhere?"

"No, no," he said. "A tee is a little thing about the size of your little finger." "Yeah, I've got one of those." "Well," he said, "You stick it in the ground and put your ball on top of it." I asked, "Do you play golf sitting down? I always thought you stood up and walked around." "You do." he said. "You're standing up when you put your ball on the tee."

Well, folks, I thought that was stretching things a little too far, and I said so. He said "You've got a bag haven't you?" "Sure," I said. He said, "Your balls are in it, aren't they?" "Of course." I told him. Well, he said, "Can't you open the bag and take one out?" I said, "I suppose I could, but damned if I was going to." He asked if I didn't have a zipper on my bag, but I told him, "No, I'm the old fashioned type."

Then he asked me if I knew how to hold my club. Well, after fifty years I should have some sort of an idea, and I told him so. He said, "You take your club in both hands." I knew right then he didn't know what he was talking about. Then he said, "You swing it over your shoulder." "No, no, that's not me. That's my brother you're thinking about." He asked me, "How do you hold your club?" I said, "With two fingers."

He said that wasn't right and got behind me, put both arms around me, and told me to bend over and he would show me how. He couldn't catch me there, because I didn't put four years in the Navy for nothing. He said you hit the ball with your club and it will soar and soar, I said I could well imagine.

Then, he said, "And when you're on the green..." "What's the green?" I asked. "No, then you take your putter? "What's the putter?" I asked. "That's the smallest club made," he said. "That's what I've got, a putter." "With it," he said, "you put your ball in the hole." I corrected him, "You mean the putter?" He said, "No, the ball. The hole isn't big enough for the ball and the putter." Well, I've seen holes big enough for a horse and wagon.

Then he said, "After you make the first hole, you go on to the next 17." He wasn't talking to me. After two holes, I'm shot to hell. "You mean," he said, "You can't make 18 holes in one day?" "Hell no. It takes me 18 days to make one hole and besides, how do I know when I'm in the 18 hole?" He said, "The flag would go up."

That would be just my luck.

Comment by Aggie on July 21, 2011 at 9:14pm

One day, a man came home and was greeted by his wife dressed in a very Sexy nightie. 'Tie me up,' she purred, 'and you can do anything you want.'

So he tied her up and went golfing

Comment by Aggie on July 19, 2011 at 11:42pm

Comment by Aggie on July 19, 2011 at 11:05pm

How Dry is is in Texas?

A buddy out of Longview said he'd killed a mosquito that was carrying a canteen.

A man in Dime Box said the chicken farmers were giving the chickens crushed ice to keep them from laying hard-boiled eggs.

In Lake Palestine, they caught a 20 lb catfish that had ticks on it!

But just this week, in Bryan, a fire hydrant was seen bribing a dog.

It's so dry in Texas that the Baptists are starting to baptize by sprinkling, the Methodists are using wet-wipes, the Presbyterians are giving out rain-checks, and the Catholics are praying for the wine to turn back into water.

Comment by Aggie on July 19, 2011 at 9:27pm

A little girl was diligently pounding away on her grandmother's word processor. She told her she was writing a story. "What's it about?" she asked. "I don't know," the granddaughter replied. "I can't read."

Comment by metub4 on July 19, 2011 at 4:31pm

On the first day of college, the dean addressed the students of the freshman class, pointing out some of the rules.

"The female dormitory will be out-of-bounds for all male students, so too, the male dormitory to the female students. Anybody caught breaking this rule will be fined $20 the first time. Anybody caught breaking this rule the second time will be fined $60. Being caught a third time will incur a hefty fine of $180." said the dean.

The dean continued, "Are there any questions?" At this, a male student in the crowd inquired, "How much for a season pass?"

$$$$$$$$$

Comment by metub4 on July 16, 2011 at 5:13am

The Good, The Bad, and The Ugly

Good: Your hubby and you agree, no more kids.
Bad: You can't find your birth control pills.
Ugly: Your daughter borrowed them.

Good: Your son studies a lot in his room.
Bad: You find several porn movies hidden there.
Ugly: You're in them.

Good: Your husband understands fashion.
Bad: He's a cross dresser.
Ugly: He looks better than you do.

Good: Your son's finally maturing.
Bad: He's involved with the woman next door.
Ugly: So are you.

Good: You give the birds and bees talk to your daughter.
Bad: She keeps interrupting.
Ugly: With corrections.

Good: Your wife's not talking to you.
Bad: She wants a divorce.
Ugly: She's a lawyer.

Good: The postman is early.
Bad: He's wearing fatigues and carrying an AK-47.
Ugly: You gave him nothing for Christmas.

Good: You flirt with a gorgeous woman at a party.
Bad: Your wife notices.
Ugly: You're married to Lorena Bobbitt.

Good: You talk your wife into taking a Viagra pill.
Bad: She gets it stuck in her throat.
Ugly: She misses three days of work because of a stiff neck.

Good: A beautiful redhead at a party drags you into a closet.
Bad: You discover just a moment too late,
she has the same equipment as you.
Ugly: Her's is larger than yours.

Good: Your 22-year-old daughter got a new job.
Bad: It's at the White House.
Ugly: She will be working for the president.

Comment by metub4 on July 15, 2011 at 1:51pm

EVER WONDER

 

WHAT HAPPENED TO

THE DINOSAURS .......

 

 

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