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Battle of the sexes 393 Replies
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Blondes, Aggies, Pollocks, Morons, Little Patsy, Lena and Ole 396 Replies
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Sharing The Joy Of All Animals 94 Replies
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Comment by Aggie on September 1, 2011 at 6:18pm
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cardiologist died and was given an elaborate funeral. A huge Heart covered in flowers stood behind the casket during the service.
Following the eulogy, the heart opened, and the casket rolled inside. The heart then closed, sealing the doctor in the beautiful heart forever.
At that point, one of the mourners burst into laughter. When all eyes stared at him, he said, "I'm sorry, I was just thinking of my own funeral........I'm a gynecologist"
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Man in hospital bed wearing oxygen mask over his mouth. "Nurse", he mumbles. "Are my testicles black?" Nurse raises his gown, holds his penis in one hand & his testicles in the other, ...she takes a close look & says, "There's nothing wrong with them Sir." Man pulls off the oxygen mask, smiles at her & says very slowly. "Thanks for that, it was lovely but listen very very carefully. "Are-my-test-re-sults-back?"
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Comment by metub4 on August 30, 2011 at 1:39pm
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WHAT IS "GENERATION Y" ?
I've always wondered this myself... and now I know !!
People born before 1946 were called The Silent Generation.
The Baby Boomers were those born between 1947 and 1959.
Generation X people were born between 1960 and 1979.
Generation Y were born between 1980 and 2010
Why do we call the last group Generation Y ?
Y should I get a job ?
Y should I leave home and find my own place ?
Y should I get a car when I can borrow yours ?
Y should I clean my room ?
Y should I wash and iron my own clothes ?
Y should I buy any food ?
A cartoonist explained it very eloquently below....
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Three blondes were sitting by the side of a river holding fishing poles with the lines in the water.
A game warden came up behind them, tapped one on the shoulder and said, "Excuse me, ladies, I'd like to see your fishing licenses."
"We don't have any." replied the first blonde.
"Well, if you're going to fish, you need fishing licenses."
"But officer," replied the second blonde, "we aren't fishing. We all
have magnets at the end of our lines and we're collecting debris off the bottom of the river."
The warden lifted up all the lines and, sure enough, there were magnets tied on the end of each line.
"Well, I know of no law against it," said the warden, "take all the debris you want." And with that, he left.
As soon as he was out of sight, the three blondes started laughing hysterically.
"What a dumb cop," the second blonde said to the other two, "doesn't he know that there are steelhead trout in this river?!"
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An 18 year old Italian girl tells her Mom that she has missed her period for 2 months. Very worried, the mother goes to the drugstore and buys a pregnancy kit.
The test result shows that the girl is pregnant.
Shouting, cursing, crying, the mother says,
'Who wasa the pig that did this to you? I want to know!'
The girl picks up the phone and makes a call.
Half an hour later, a Ferrari stops in front of their house.
A mature and distinguished man with gray hair and impeccably dressed in an Armani suit steps out of a Ferrari and enters the house.
He sits in the living room with the father, mother, and the girl and tells them:
'Good morning, your daughter has informed me of the problem’.
‘I can't marry her because of my personal family situation but I'll take charge.
I will pay all costs and provide for your daughter for the rest of her life.
Additionally, if a girl is born, I will bequeath a Ferrari, 2 retail stores, a townhouse,
a beach-front villa, and a $2,000,000 bank account..
If a boy is born, my legacy will be a couple of factories and a $4,000,000 bank account.
If twins, they will receive a factory and $2,000,000 each..
However, if there is a miscarriage, what do you suggest I do?'
At this point, the father, who had remained silent holding a shotgun, places a hand firmly on the man's shoulder, looks him directly in the eyes and tells him…
"YOUA GONNA TRY AGAIN!"
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EVER HAD ONE OF THOSE DAYS....
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What Is REALLY Important In Texas
The year is 2020 and the United States has just elected the first woman as well as the first female Texan as president. A few days after the election the president-elect calls her father and says, ''So, Daddy, I assume you will be coming to my inauguration?''
The father says, ''I don't think so. It's a 27 hour drive, your mother isn't as young as she used to be, and my arthritis is acting up again.''
The daughter says, ''Don't worry about it Daddy, I'll send Air Force One to pick you up and take you home. A limousine will pick you up at your door.''
The father answers, ''I don't know. Everybody will be so fancy. What would your mother wear?''
''Oh, Daddy'', replies the president-elect, ''I'll make sure she has a wonderful gown custom made by the best designer in Washington.''
''Honey,'' Dad complains, ''you know I can't eat those rich foods you and your friends like to eat.''
The President-to-be responds, ''Don't worry Daddy. The entire affair is going to be handled by the best caterer in Washington , I'll ensure your meals are salt free Daddy, I really want you to come.''
So Dad reluctantly agrees, and on January 20, 2021, the first woman Texan is being sworn in as President of the United States . In the front row sits the new president's Dad and Mom. Dad notices the Supreme Court Justice sitting next to him and leans over and whispers, ''You see that woman over there with her hand on the Bible, becoming President of the United States ?''
The Justice whispers back, ''Yes I do.''
Daddy says proudly, ''Her brother played football for the Texas Aggies!"
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Reposting: This just in... Seismologists have determined that today's earthquake outside of DC was not the result of a fault line but rather the result of our founding fathers rolling over in their graves.
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Jack made his way through veterinary school working nights as a taxidermist.
Upon graduation, he decided he could combine his two vocations to better serve the needs of his patients and their owners, while doubling his practice and, therefore, his income.
He opened his own offices with a shingle on the door saying, "Dr. Jones, Veterinary Medicine and Taxidermy - Either way, you get your dog back!"
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I don’t know WHY I didn’t figure this out sooner!
It's the shampoo I use in the shower!
When I wash my hair, the shampoo runs down my whole body and
(duh!) printed very clearly on the shampoo label is this warning…
FOR EXTRA VOLUME AND BODY!
NO wonder I have been gaining weight!!!
Well! I have gotten rid of that shampoo and I am going to start using
Dawn dish soap instead.
Their label reads,
DISSOLVES FAT THAT IS OTHERWISE DIFFICULT TO REMOVE.
Problem Solved!!!
If I don't answer the phone …I'll be in the shower!!!
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