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Sharing The Joy Of All Animals 91 Replies
Started by ozzieowl. Last reply by Aggie 16 hours ago.
Blondes, Aggies, Pollocks, Morons, Little Patsy, Lena and Ole 370 Replies
Started by EddieDingo. Last reply by Aggie Apr 22.
Child Chatter 54 Replies
Started by ozzieowl. Last reply by Aggie Feb 14.
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Comment by Aggie on August 29, 2011 at 5:38pm
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An 18 year old Italian girl tells her Mom that she has missed her period for 2 months. Very worried, the mother goes to the drugstore and buys a pregnancy kit.
The test result shows that the girl is pregnant.
Shouting, cursing, crying, the mother says,
'Who wasa the pig that did this to you? I want to know!'
The girl picks up the phone and makes a call.
Half an hour later, a Ferrari stops in front of their house.
A mature and distinguished man with gray hair and impeccably dressed in an Armani suit steps out of a Ferrari and enters the house.
He sits in the living room with the father, mother, and the girl and tells them:
'Good morning, your daughter has informed me of the problem’.
‘I can't marry her because of my personal family situation but I'll take charge.
I will pay all costs and provide for your daughter for the rest of her life.
Additionally, if a girl is born, I will bequeath a Ferrari, 2 retail stores, a townhouse,
a beach-front villa, and a $2,000,000 bank account..
If a boy is born, my legacy will be a couple of factories and a $4,000,000 bank account.
If twins, they will receive a factory and $2,000,000 each..
However, if there is a miscarriage, what do you suggest I do?'
At this point, the father, who had remained silent holding a shotgun, places a hand firmly on the man's shoulder, looks him directly in the eyes and tells him…
"YOUA GONNA TRY AGAIN!"
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Comment by metub4 on August 28, 2011 at 10:24am
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EVER HAD ONE OF THOSE DAYS....
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What Is REALLY Important In Texas
The year is 2020 and the United States has just elected the first woman as well as the first female Texan as president. A few days after the election the president-elect calls her father and says, ''So, Daddy, I assume you will be coming to my inauguration?''
The father says, ''I don't think so. It's a 27 hour drive, your mother isn't as young as she used to be, and my arthritis is acting up again.''
The daughter says, ''Don't worry about it Daddy, I'll send Air Force One to pick you up and take you home. A limousine will pick you up at your door.''
The father answers, ''I don't know. Everybody will be so fancy. What would your mother wear?''
''Oh, Daddy'', replies the president-elect, ''I'll make sure she has a wonderful gown custom made by the best designer in Washington.''
''Honey,'' Dad complains, ''you know I can't eat those rich foods you and your friends like to eat.''
The President-to-be responds, ''Don't worry Daddy. The entire affair is going to be handled by the best caterer in Washington , I'll ensure your meals are salt free Daddy, I really want you to come.''
So Dad reluctantly agrees, and on January 20, 2021, the first woman Texan is being sworn in as President of the United States . In the front row sits the new president's Dad and Mom. Dad notices the Supreme Court Justice sitting next to him and leans over and whispers, ''You see that woman over there with her hand on the Bible, becoming President of the United States ?''
The Justice whispers back, ''Yes I do.''
Daddy says proudly, ''Her brother played football for the Texas Aggies!"
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Reposting: This just in... Seismologists have determined that today's earthquake outside of DC was not the result of a fault line but rather the result of our founding fathers rolling over in their graves.
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Jack made his way through veterinary school working nights as a taxidermist.
Upon graduation, he decided he could combine his two vocations to better serve the needs of his patients and their owners, while doubling his practice and, therefore, his income.
He opened his own offices with a shingle on the door saying, "Dr. Jones, Veterinary Medicine and Taxidermy - Either way, you get your dog back!"
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I don’t know WHY I didn’t figure this out sooner!
It's the shampoo I use in the shower!
When I wash my hair, the shampoo runs down my whole body and
(duh!) printed very clearly on the shampoo label is this warning…
FOR EXTRA VOLUME AND BODY!
NO wonder I have been gaining weight!!!
Well! I have gotten rid of that shampoo and I am going to start using
Dawn dish soap instead.
Their label reads,
DISSOLVES FAT THAT IS OTHERWISE DIFFICULT TO REMOVE.
Problem Solved!!!
If I don't answer the phone …I'll be in the shower!!!
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Will Rogers, who died in a 1935 plane crash, was one of the
greatest political sages this country has ever known. Some of his sayings:
1. Never slap a man who's chewing tobacco.
2. Never kick a cow chip on a hot day.
3. There are two theories to arguing with a woman. Neither works.
4. Never miss a good chance to shut up.
5. Always drink upstream from the herd.
6. If you find yourself in a hole, stop digging.
7. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it and put it back into your pocket.
8. There are three kinds of men: The ones that learn by reading. The few who learn by observation. The rest of them have to pee on the electric fence and find out for themselves.
9. Good judgment comes from experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgment.
10. If you're riding' ahead of the herd, take a look back every now and then to make sure it's still there.
11. Lettin' the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier'n puttin' it back.
12. After eating an entire bull, a mountain lion felt so good he started roaring.
He kept it up until a hunter came along and shot him. The moral: When you're full of bull, keep your mouth shut.
ABOUT GROWING OLDER...
First ~Eventually you will reach a point when you stop lying about your age and start bragging about it.
Second ~ The older we get, the fewer things seem worth waiting in line for.
Third ~ Some people try to turn back their odometers. Not me; I want people to know why I look this way. I've traveled a long way, and some of the roads weren't paved.
Fourth ~ When you are dissatisfied and would like to go back to youth, think of Algebra.
Fifth ~ You know you are getting old when everything either dries up or leaks.
Sixth ~ I don't know how I got over the hill without getting to the top.
Seventh ~ One of the many things no one tells you about aging is that it's such a nice change from being young.
Eighth ~ One must wait until evening to see how splendid the day has been.
Ninth ~ Being young is beautiful, but being old is comfortable.
Tenth ~ Long ago, when men cursed and beat the ground with sticks, it was called witchcraft. Today it's called golf.
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Reverend Boudreaux was the part-time pastor of the local Cajun Baptist Church, and Pastor Thibodeaux was the minister of the Covenant Church across the road. They were both standing by the road, pounding a sign into the ground that read:
Da End is Near
Turn Yo Sef 'Roun Now
Afore It Be Too Late!
As a car sped past them, the driver leaned out his window and yelled, "You religious nuts!"
From the curve they heard screeching tires, and a big splash...
Boudreaux turns to Thib and asks, "Do ya tink maybe da sign should jussay.........Bridge Out?"
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LOOKING FOR WORK
A doctor from Israel says: "In Israel the medicine is so advanced that we cut off a man's testicles; we put them into another man, and in 6 weeks he is looking for work."
The German doctor comments: "That's nothing, in Germany we take part of the brain out of a person; we put it into another person's head, and in 4 weeks he is looking for work."
A Russian doctor says: "That's nothing either. In Russia we take out half of the heart from a person; we put it into another person's chest, and in 2 weeks he is looking for work."
The U.S. doctor answers immediately: "That's nothing my colleagues, you are way behind us....in the USA (about 2 years ago) we grabbed a person from Kenya with no brains, no heart, and no balls....we made him President of the United States, and now....... the whole country is looking for work !
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The Coyote
The Governor of California is jogging with his dog along a nature trail.
A coyote jumps out and attacks the Governor's dog, then bites the Governor.
1. The Governor starts to intervene, but reflects upon the movie "Bambi" and then realizes he should stop because the coyote is only doing what is natural.
2. He calls animal control . Animal Control captures the coyote and bills the State $200 testing it for diseases and $500 for relocating it.
3. He calls a veterinarian. The vet collects the dead dog and bills the State $200 testing it for diseases.
4. The Governor goes to hospital and spends $3,500 getting checked for diseases from the coyote and on getting his bite wound bandaged.
5. The running trail gets shut down for 6 months while Fish & Game conducts a $100,000 survey to make sure the area is now free of dangerous animals.
6. The Governor spends $50,000 in state funds implementing a "coyote awareness program" for residents of the area.
7. The State Legislature spends $2 million to study how to better treat rabies and how to permanently eradicate the disease throughout the world.
8.. The Governor's security agent is fired for not stopping the attack. The State spends $150,000 to hire and train a new agent with additional special training re: The nature of coyotes.
9. PETA protests the coyote's relocation and files a $5 million suit against the State.
TEXAS :
The Governor of Texas is jogging with his dog along a nature trail.. A Coyote jumps out and attacks his dog.
1. The Governor shoots the coyote with his State-issued pistol and keeps jogging. The Governor has spent $0.50 on a .45 ACP hollow point cartridge.
2. The Buzzards eat the dead coyote.
And that, my friends, is why California is broke and Texas is not.
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