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Comment by Aggie on September 17, 2011 at 1:59am

Two wives go out for a girls night out, they both get drunk , started walking home and had to pee. They stopped at the cemetery but had nothing to wipe with, one used her panties the other grabbed a wreath off a grave. The next morning one husband called the other and said "no more girls night out my wife came home with no panties". The other husband said "you think that's bad mine came back with a card in her nickers that read "from all of us at the fire station, we'll never forget you.

Comment by Aggie on September 15, 2011 at 8:36pm

On opening his new store, a man received a bouquet of flowers. He became dismayed on reading the enclosed card, that it expressed "Deepest sympathy."

While puzzling over the message, his telephone rang. It was the florist, apologizing for having sent the wrong card.

"Oh, it's alright." said the storekeeper. "I'm a businessman and I understand how these things can happen."

"But," added the florist, "I accidentally sent your card to a funeral party."

"Well, what did it say?" ask the storekeeper.

The florist read the card, "Congratulations on your new location

Comment by Aggie on September 15, 2011 at 8:30pm

Husband, said to his wife,'We should start washing your clothes in 'Slim Fast'. Maybe it would take a few inches off of your butt!' His wife not amused, simply couldn't let such a comment go. The next day, the husband took his underwear out of his drawer. 'What the heck is this?' as a little dust cloud appeared when he shook them out. He hollered to his wife, 'Why did you put talcum powder in my underwear?' She replied with a snicker. 'It's not talcum powder; it's 'Miracle Grow'!

Comment by metub4 on September 10, 2011 at 7:07am

A man went to visit his 90-year-old grandfather and while eating the breakfast of eggs and bacon prepared for him, he noticed a film-like substance on his plate. So he says, "Grandfather, are these plates clean?"

His grandfather replies, "Those plates are as clean as cold water can get them, so go on and finish your meal."

That afternoon, while eating the hamburgers his grandfather made for lunch, he noticed many little black specks around the edge of his plate, so again he asked, "Grandfather are you sure these plates are clean?"

Without looking up from his burger, the grandfather says, "I told you those dishes are as clean as cold water can get them, now don't ask me about it anymore."

Well, later that day, they were on their way out to get dinner. As he was leaving the house, Grandfather's dog who was lying on the floor started to growl and would not let him pass. "Grandfather, your dog won't let me out," mentioned the grandson.

Without diverting his attention from the football game he was watching, his grandfather shouted, "Coldwater, get your butt out of the way!"

Comment by metub4 on September 3, 2011 at 6:42am

A 70-year-old man sat down in the orthopedic surgeon's office. "You know, Doc," he said, "I've made love in more exotic cars than anyone I know. Must be at least a thousand."

"And now, I suppose, you want me to treat you for the arthritis you got from scrunching up in all those uncomfortable positions," the doctor said.

"Heck, no," the old fellow replied. "I want to borrow your Lamborghini."

---

A man had six children and was very proud of his achievement. He was so proud of himself that he started calling his wife, "Mother of Six," in spite of her objections.

One night they went to a party. The man decided that it was time to go home, and wanted to find out if his wife is ready to leave as well. He shouted at the top of his voice, "Shall we go home, Mother of Six?"

His wife, irritated by her husband's lack of discretion shouted back, "Anytime you're ready, Father of Four!"

Comment by metub4 on September 3, 2011 at 6:23am

Well, Bubba's old lady had been pregnant for some time, and now the time had come. So, he took her to the doctor, and the doctor began to deliver the baby. She had a little boy, and the doctor looked over at Bubba and said, "Hey, Bubba! You just had you a son!"

This excited Bubba, but just then the doctor spoke up and said, "Hold on, son! We ain't finished yet!" The doctor then delivered a little girl. He said, "Hey, Bubba! Hey, you got you a daughter!"

Bubba got kind of puzzled by this, and then the doctor says, "Hold on, we ain't finished!" The doctor then delivered another boy. He said, "Bubba, you just had another boy! But don't worry, 'cause that's it!"

So, Bubba and his wife went home with the three children. When they got home, they sat down and began talking. Bubba said, "Mama, you remember that night that we ran out of Vaseline and had to use that 3-in-1 Oil?" She said, "Yeah, I do."

Bubba said, "Well, it's a good thing we didn't use no WD-40!"

Comment by metub4 on September 3, 2011 at 6:21am

A lady tells her husband to go to the store to buy some cigarettes. He walks down to the store only to find it closed. So he goes into a nearby bar to use the vending machine. At the bar he sees a beautiful woman and starts talking to her.

They have a couple of beers and one thing leads to another and they end up in her apartment. After they've had their fun, he realizes its 3am and says, "Oh no, its so late, my wife's going to kill me. Have you got any talcum powder?" She gives him some talcum powder, which he proceeds to rub on his hands and then he goes home.

His wife is waiting for him in the doorway and she is pretty angry. "Where the hell have you been?"

"Well, honey, it's like this. I went to the store like you asked, but they were closed. So I went to the bar to use the vending machine. I saw this great looking girl there and we had a few drinks and one thing led to another and I ended up in bed with her."

"Oh yeah? Let me see Your hands!" She sees his hands are covered with powder and... "You damned liar!!! You were playing pool again!!!"

Comment by Aggie on September 1, 2011 at 8:13pm

FEMA advice to prepare for hurricane Irene;
As Hurricane Irene prepares to batter the East Coast,
Federal disaster officials warn that internet outages
could force people to interact with other people for the
first time in years.

Residents are bracing themselves for the horror of
awkward silences and unwanted eye contact.

FEMA advises: “Be prepared.....
Write down possible topics to talk about in advance,
for example, sports or perhaps the weather.
Remember, a conversation is basically a series of
Facebook updates strung together.”

Comment by Aggie on September 1, 2011 at 6:20pm

HOW I LEARNED TO MIND MY OWN BUSINESS - I was walking past a mental hospital and all the patients were yelling 13..13...13..13...13..The
fence was too high to see over so I put my eye to a hole in the fence to
see what was going on, I was promptly poked in the eye with a stick and
they all started yelling 14..14...14...14...14...14.

Comment by Aggie on September 1, 2011 at 6:19pm

due to a power outage, The house was very dark so the paramedic asked Kathleen, a 3-yr old girl to hold a flashlight high over her mommy so he could see while he helped deliver the baby.. Little Connor was born. The paramedic lifted him by his feet and spanked him on his bottom And he began to cry. The paramedic then asked the wide-eyed 3-yr old what she thought about what she had just witnessed. She quickly responded, 'He shouldn't have crawled in there in the first place, spank him again

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