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Comment by metub4 on September 3, 2011 at 6:42am

A 70-year-old man sat down in the orthopedic surgeon's office. "You know, Doc," he said, "I've made love in more exotic cars than anyone I know. Must be at least a thousand."

"And now, I suppose, you want me to treat you for the arthritis you got from scrunching up in all those uncomfortable positions," the doctor said.

"Heck, no," the old fellow replied. "I want to borrow your Lamborghini."

---

A man had six children and was very proud of his achievement. He was so proud of himself that he started calling his wife, "Mother of Six," in spite of her objections.

One night they went to a party. The man decided that it was time to go home, and wanted to find out if his wife is ready to leave as well. He shouted at the top of his voice, "Shall we go home, Mother of Six?"

His wife, irritated by her husband's lack of discretion shouted back, "Anytime you're ready, Father of Four!"

Comment by metub4 on September 3, 2011 at 6:23am

Well, Bubba's old lady had been pregnant for some time, and now the time had come. So, he took her to the doctor, and the doctor began to deliver the baby. She had a little boy, and the doctor looked over at Bubba and said, "Hey, Bubba! You just had you a son!"

This excited Bubba, but just then the doctor spoke up and said, "Hold on, son! We ain't finished yet!" The doctor then delivered a little girl. He said, "Hey, Bubba! Hey, you got you a daughter!"

Bubba got kind of puzzled by this, and then the doctor says, "Hold on, we ain't finished!" The doctor then delivered another boy. He said, "Bubba, you just had another boy! But don't worry, 'cause that's it!"

So, Bubba and his wife went home with the three children. When they got home, they sat down and began talking. Bubba said, "Mama, you remember that night that we ran out of Vaseline and had to use that 3-in-1 Oil?" She said, "Yeah, I do."

Bubba said, "Well, it's a good thing we didn't use no WD-40!"

Comment by metub4 on September 3, 2011 at 6:21am

A lady tells her husband to go to the store to buy some cigarettes. He walks down to the store only to find it closed. So he goes into a nearby bar to use the vending machine. At the bar he sees a beautiful woman and starts talking to her.

They have a couple of beers and one thing leads to another and they end up in her apartment. After they've had their fun, he realizes its 3am and says, "Oh no, its so late, my wife's going to kill me. Have you got any talcum powder?" She gives him some talcum powder, which he proceeds to rub on his hands and then he goes home.

His wife is waiting for him in the doorway and she is pretty angry. "Where the hell have you been?"

"Well, honey, it's like this. I went to the store like you asked, but they were closed. So I went to the bar to use the vending machine. I saw this great looking girl there and we had a few drinks and one thing led to another and I ended up in bed with her."

"Oh yeah? Let me see Your hands!" She sees his hands are covered with powder and... "You damned liar!!! You were playing pool again!!!"

Comment by Aggie on September 1, 2011 at 8:13pm

FEMA advice to prepare for hurricane Irene;
As Hurricane Irene prepares to batter the East Coast,
Federal disaster officials warn that internet outages
could force people to interact with other people for the
first time in years.

Residents are bracing themselves for the horror of
awkward silences and unwanted eye contact.

FEMA advises: “Be prepared.....
Write down possible topics to talk about in advance,
for example, sports or perhaps the weather.
Remember, a conversation is basically a series of
Facebook updates strung together.”

Comment by Aggie on September 1, 2011 at 6:20pm

HOW I LEARNED TO MIND MY OWN BUSINESS - I was walking past a mental hospital and all the patients were yelling 13..13...13..13...13..The
fence was too high to see over so I put my eye to a hole in the fence to
see what was going on, I was promptly poked in the eye with a stick and
they all started yelling 14..14...14...14...14...14.

Comment by Aggie on September 1, 2011 at 6:19pm

due to a power outage, The house was very dark so the paramedic asked Kathleen, a 3-yr old girl to hold a flashlight high over her mommy so he could see while he helped deliver the baby.. Little Connor was born. The paramedic lifted him by his feet and spanked him on his bottom And he began to cry. The paramedic then asked the wide-eyed 3-yr old what she thought about what she had just witnessed. She quickly responded, 'He shouldn't have crawled in there in the first place, spank him again

Comment by Aggie on September 1, 2011 at 6:18pm

cardiologist died and was given an elaborate funeral. A huge Heart covered in flowers stood behind the casket during the service.
Following the eulogy, the heart opened, and the casket rolled inside. The heart then closed, sealing the doctor in the beautiful heart forever.
At that point, one of the mourners burst into laughter. When all eyes stared at him, he said, "I'm sorry, I was just thinking of my own funeral........I'm a gynecologist"

Comment by Aggie on August 31, 2011 at 6:14pm

Man in hospital bed wearing oxygen mask over his mouth. "Nurse", he mumbles. "Are my testicles black?" Nurse raises his gown, holds his penis in one hand & his testicles in the other, ...she takes a close look & says, "There's nothing wrong with them Sir." Man pulls off the oxygen mask, smiles at her & says very slowly. "Thanks for that, it was lovely but listen very very carefully. "Are-my-test-re-sults-back?"

Comment by metub4 on August 30, 2011 at 1:39pm

WHAT IS "GENERATION Y" ?

    

    I've always wondered this myself... and now I know !!

People born before 1946 were called The Silent Generation.
 
The Baby Boomers were those born between 1947 and 1959.
 
Generation X people were born between 1960 and 1979.
 
Generation Y were born between 1980 and 2010

 
Why do we call the last group Generation Y ? 

Y should I get a job ?

Y should I leave home and find my own place ?

Y should I get a car when I can borrow yours ?

Y should I clean my room ?

Y should I wash and iron my own clothes ?

Y should I buy any food ?

 

A cartoonist explained it very eloquently below....

 

Comment by Aggie on August 29, 2011 at 5:45pm

Three blondes were sitting by the side of a river holding fishing poles with the lines in the water.

A game warden came up behind them, tapped one on the shoulder and said, "Excuse me, ladies, I'd like to see your fishing licenses."

"We don't have any." replied the first blonde.

"Well, if you're going to fish, you need fishing licenses."

"But officer," replied the second blonde, "we aren't fishing. We all

have magnets at the end of our lines and we're collecting debris off the bottom of the river."

The warden lifted up all the lines and, sure enough, there were magnets tied on the end of each line.

"Well, I know of no law against it," said the warden, "take all the debris you want." And with that, he left.

As soon as he was out of sight, the three blondes started laughing hysterically.

"What a dumb cop," the second blonde said to the other two, "doesn't he know that there are steelhead trout in this river?!"

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