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Comment by Aggie on September 21, 2011 at 5:52pm

Maxine vs Martha Stewart
Kitchen Wisdom


Martha....
Stuff a miniature marshmallow

in the bottom of an ice cream cone

to prevent ice cream drips.

Maxine...
Just suck the ice cream out of the bottom of the cone, for Pete's sake!
You are probably lying on the couch with your feet up eating it anyway!

Martha...
To keep potatoes from budding, place an apple in the bag with the potatoes.

Maxine....
Buy Hungry Jack mashed potato mix.
Keeps in the pantry for up to a year.

Martha....
When a cake recipe calls for flouring

the baking pan, use a bit of the dry

cake mix instead and there won't be

any white mess on the outside of the cake.

Maxine....
Go to the bakery!
Hell, they'll even decorate it for you!

Martha...
If you accidentally over-salt a dish while it's still cooking, drop in a peeled potato and it will absorb the excess salt for an instant 'fix-me-up.'

Maxine
If you over-salt a dish while you are cooking, that's too bad.
Please recite with me the real woman's motto:
'I made it, you will eat it and I don't care how bad it tastes!'

Martha....
Wrap celery in aluminum foil when putting in the refrigerator and it will keep for weeks.

Maxine...
Celery?
Never heard of it!

Martha....
Brush some beaten egg white over pie crust before baking to yield a beautiful glossy finish.

Maxine....
The Mrs. Smith frozen pie directions do not include brushing egg whites over the crust, so I don't.

Martha....
Cure for headaches: take a lime, cut it in half and rub it on your forehead. The throbbing will go away.

Maxine...
Take a lime, mix it with tequila, chill and drink! All your pains go away!

Martha...
If you have a problem opening jars, try using latex dish washing gloves. They give a non-slip grip that makes opening jars easy.

Maxine...
Go ask that very cute neighbor if he can open it for you.

Martha...
Don't throw out all that leftover wine.
Freeze into ice cubes for future use in
casseroles and sauces.

Maxine....
Leftover Wine??????
HELLO!!!!!!!

Comment by Aggie on September 21, 2011 at 5:41pm

I ain't much for shopping,
Or for goin' into town
Except at cattle-shipping time,
I ain't too easily found.
But the day came when I had to go -
I left the kids with Ma.
But 'fore I left, she asked me,
"Would you pick me up a bra?"
So without thinkin' I said, "Sure,"
How tough could that job be?
An' I bent down and kissed her
An' said, "I'll be back by three."
Well, I done the things I needed,
But I started to regret
Ever offering to buy that thing -
I worked me up a sweat

I walked into the ladies shop
My hat pulled over my eyes,
I didn't want to take a chance
On bein' recognized.
I walked up to the sales clerk -
I didn't hem or haw -
I told that lady right straight out,
"I'm here to buy a bra."
From behind I heard some snickers,
So I turned around to see
Every woman in that store
Was a'gawkin' right at me!
"What kind would you be looking for?"
Well, I just scratched my head.
I'd only seen one kind before,
"Thought bras was bras," I said.
She gave me a disgusted look,
"Well sir, that's where you're wrong.
Follow me," I heard her say,
Like a dog, I tagged along.
She took me down this alley
Where bras was on display.
I thought my jaw would hit the floor
When I saw that lingerie.
They had all these different styles
That I'd never seen before
I thought I'd go plumb crazy
'fore I left that women's store.
They had bras you wear for eighteen hours
And bras that cross your heart.
There was bras that lift and separate,
And that was just the start.
They had bras that made you feel
Like you ain't wearing one at all,
And bras that you can train in
When you start off when you're small.
Well, I finally made my mind up -
Picked a black and lacy one -
I told the lady, "Bag it up,"
And figured I was done.
But then she asked me for the size
I didn't hesitate
I knew that measurement by heart,
"A six-and-seven-eighths."
"Six and seven eighths you say?
That really isn't right."
"Oh, yes ma'am! I'm real positive -
I measured them last night!"
I thought that she'd go into shock,
Musta took her by surprise
When I told her that my wife's bust
Was the same as my hat size.
"That's what I used to measure with,
I figured it was fair,
But if I'm wrong, I'm sorry ma'am."
This drew another stare.
By now a crowd had gathered
And they all was crackin' up
When the lady asked to see my hat,
To measure for the cup.
When she finally had it figured,
I gave the gal her pay.
Then I turned to leave the store,
Tipped my hat and said, "Good day."
My wife had heard the story
'fore I ever made it home.
She'd talked to fifteen women
Who called her on the phone.
She was still a-laughin'
But by then I didn't care.
Now she don't ask and I don't shop
For women's underwear.

~ Author Unknown

Comment by Aggie on September 21, 2011 at 10:35am

Boudreaux, the smoothest-talking Cajun in the Louisiana National Guard, got called up to active duty. Boudreaux's first assignment was in a militaryi nduction center.

Because he was a good talker, they assigned him the duty of advising new recruits about government benefits, especially the GI insurance to which they were entitled.

The officer in charge soon noticed that Boudreaux was getting a 99% sign-up rate for the more expensive supplemental form of GI insurance.

This was remarkable, because it cost these low-income recruits $30.00 per month for the higher coverage, compared to what the government was already providing at no charge. The officer decided he'd sit in the back of the room at the next briefing and observe Boudreaux's sales pitch.

Boudreaux stood up before the latest group of inductees and said, "If you has da normal GI insurans an' you goes to Afghanistan an' gets youself killed, da governmen' pays you beneficiary $20,000. If you takes out da supplemental insurans, which cost you only t'irty dollars a mons, den da governmen' gots ta pay you beneficiary $200,000!

"Now," Boudreaux concluded, "which bunch you tink dey gonna send ta Afghanistan first?

Comment by metub4 on September 20, 2011 at 6:16pm

A man moves into a nudist colony. He receives a letter from his mother asking him to send her a current picture. Too embarrassed to let her know that he lives in a nudist colony, he cuts one in half and sends her the top part.

Later he receives another letter asking him to send a picture to his grandmother. The man cuts another picture in half, but accidentally sends the bottom half. He is really worried when he realizes that he sent the wrong part, but then remembers how bad his grandmother's eyesight is and hopes she won't notice.

A few weeks later he receives a letter from his grandmother. It says, "Thank you for the picture. Change your hair style - It makes your nose look long."

Comment by Aggie on September 20, 2011 at 6:10pm

Miss America
In an American history discussion group, the professor was
trying to explain how societies ideal of beauty changes with
time. "For example, he said, "take the 1921 Miss America.
She stood five feet, one inch tall, weighed 108 pounds and
had measurements of 30-25-32. How do you think she'd do in
today's version of the contest?"

The class fell silent for a moment. Then one student piped
up, "Not very well."

"Why is that?" Asked the professor.

"For one thing," the student pointed out, "She'd be about
a hundred years old."

Comment by Aggie on September 20, 2011 at 6:03pm

Things Found Only in America
1. Only in America......can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.

2. Only in America......are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink.

3. Only in America......do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.

4. Only in America......do people order double cheese burgers, large fries, and a diet Coke.

5. Only in America......do banks leave both doors to the vault open and then chain the pens to the counters.

6. Only in America......do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.

7. Only in America......do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won't miss a call from someone we didn't want to talk to in the first place.

8. Only in America......do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.

9. Only in America......do we use the word 'politics' to describe the process so well: Poli' in Latin meaning 'many' and 'tics' meaning 'bloodsucking creatures'.

10. Only in America......do they have drive-up ATM machines with Braille lettering.

Comment by Aggie on September 17, 2011 at 1:59am

Two wives go out for a girls night out, they both get drunk , started walking home and had to pee. They stopped at the cemetery but had nothing to wipe with, one used her panties the other grabbed a wreath off a grave. The next morning one husband called the other and said "no more girls night out my wife came home with no panties". The other husband said "you think that's bad mine came back with a card in her nickers that read "from all of us at the fire station, we'll never forget you.

Comment by Aggie on September 15, 2011 at 8:36pm

On opening his new store, a man received a bouquet of flowers. He became dismayed on reading the enclosed card, that it expressed "Deepest sympathy."

While puzzling over the message, his telephone rang. It was the florist, apologizing for having sent the wrong card.

"Oh, it's alright." said the storekeeper. "I'm a businessman and I understand how these things can happen."

"But," added the florist, "I accidentally sent your card to a funeral party."

"Well, what did it say?" ask the storekeeper.

The florist read the card, "Congratulations on your new location

Comment by Aggie on September 15, 2011 at 8:30pm

Husband, said to his wife,'We should start washing your clothes in 'Slim Fast'. Maybe it would take a few inches off of your butt!' His wife not amused, simply couldn't let such a comment go. The next day, the husband took his underwear out of his drawer. 'What the heck is this?' as a little dust cloud appeared when he shook them out. He hollered to his wife, 'Why did you put talcum powder in my underwear?' She replied with a snicker. 'It's not talcum powder; it's 'Miracle Grow'!

Comment by metub4 on September 10, 2011 at 7:07am

A man went to visit his 90-year-old grandfather and while eating the breakfast of eggs and bacon prepared for him, he noticed a film-like substance on his plate. So he says, "Grandfather, are these plates clean?"

His grandfather replies, "Those plates are as clean as cold water can get them, so go on and finish your meal."

That afternoon, while eating the hamburgers his grandfather made for lunch, he noticed many little black specks around the edge of his plate, so again he asked, "Grandfather are you sure these plates are clean?"

Without looking up from his burger, the grandfather says, "I told you those dishes are as clean as cold water can get them, now don't ask me about it anymore."

Well, later that day, they were on their way out to get dinner. As he was leaving the house, Grandfather's dog who was lying on the floor started to growl and would not let him pass. "Grandfather, your dog won't let me out," mentioned the grandson.

Without diverting his attention from the football game he was watching, his grandfather shouted, "Coldwater, get your butt out of the way!"

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