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Comment by Aggie on October 14, 2011 at 10:26am

Camping Tips
* Shine a flashlight into one ear. If the beam shines out the other ear, do not go into the woods alone.

* A two-man pup tent does not include two men or a pup.

* A potato baked in the coals for three hours makes an excellent hockey puck.

* In emergency situations, you can survive in the wilderness by shooting small game with a slingshot made from the elastic waistband of your underwear.

* The guitar of the noisy teenager at the next campsite makes excellent kindling.

* It's entirely possible to spend your whole vacation on a winding mountain road behind a large motor home.

Comment by Aggie on October 14, 2011 at 10:18am

Some doctor on tv this morning said the way to achieve inner peace is to finish all the things you have started.

So I looked around my house to see things I'd started and hadn't finished so I have managed to finish off a bottle of Merlot, a bottle of Chardonnay, a bodle of Baileys, a butle of wum, a pockage of Prungles, tha mainder of bot Prozic and Valiuminun scriptins, the res of the chesescke an a box a chocletz.

Yu haf no idr how bludy fablus I feel rite now. Plaese sned dhis orn to dem yu fee ar in ned ov iennr pisss. An telum,u blody luvum.!! Xxx

Comment by metub4 on October 13, 2011 at 7:56pm

What if we all started life backwards?

You`d start out dead and get it out of the way.
Then, wake up in an old age home feeling better every day.
You get kicked out for being too healthy; go collect your pension,
Then when you start work, you get a gold watch on your first day.
You work 40 years until you`re young enough to enjoy your retirement.
You drink alcohol, you party, you`re generally promiscuous
You get ready for High School.
You go to primary school, you become a kid, you play,
You have no responsibilities, you become a baby, and then...
You spend your last 9 months floating peacefully in luxury, in spa-like conditions; central heating, room service on tap, and then, you finish off as an orgasm.

Author unknown

Comment by Aggie on October 7, 2011 at 10:02am

One day a little indian boy walked up to the chief and said "Me ready for women."
The chief said "Before you can have a real women, you must go into the woods and practice on the trees for three days"

The Indian boy said "Ok," and went off into the woods.

Three days later, he returns and says "Me ready for women."

The Indian cheif says "Pick out any woman you want and take her inside the teepee."

The boy picked a women, escorted her into the teepee and said "Take off all your clothes, bend over and grab your ankles." The women asked "Why?", but the boy told her to just to bend over.

The women bent over, and the boy kicked her in the ass. "Why the hell did you do that?" she asked.

"Just checking for bees." replied the boy. :-))

Comment by Aggie on October 7, 2011 at 9:12am

An apparent Drunken Cowboy lay sprawled across three entire seats in a posh Amarillo Theatre. When the Usher came by and noticed him, he whispered to the Cowboy, "Sorry, Sir, but you're only allowed one seat."

The Cowboy just groaned but didn't even budge.

The Usher became more impatient and insistent: "Sir, if you don't get up from there I'm going to have to call the manager."

Once again, the cowboy just groaned. The Usher marched briskly back up the aisle, and in a moment he returned with the manager.

Together the two of them tried repeatedly to move the cowboy, but without success. He just laid there in a dazed stupor.

Finally they had enough and summoned the police.

A Texas Ranger arrived, surveyed the situation briefly, then asked, "Alright buddy what's your name?"

"Sam," the Cowboy moaned.

"Where y'all from, Sam?"asked the Ranger.

With terrible pain in his voice, a grim expression and without moving a muscle, Sam said, "The Balcony."

Comment by Aggie on October 6, 2011 at 9:50pm

A scientist from Texas A&M University has invented a bra that keeps women's breasts from jiggling and prevents the nipples from pushing through the fabric when cold weather sets in. At a news conference announcing the invention, a large group of men took the scientist outside and kicked the crap out of him.

Comment by Aggie on October 6, 2011 at 9:06pm

The students of psychiatry were attending their first class on emotional extremes.

"Just to establish some parameters," said the professor to the student from Arkansas, "What is the opposite of joy?"

"Sadness," said the student.

And the opposite of depression?" he asked of the young lady from Oklahoma.

"Elation," said she.

"And you sir," he said to the young man from Texas, "how about the opposite of woe?"

The Texan replied, "Sir, I believe that would be giddy-up."

Comment by Aggie on October 6, 2011 at 6:52pm

Some of you will recall that on July 8, 1947, a little over 60 years ago, witnesses claim that an unidentified flying object (UFO) with five aliens aboard crashed onto a sheep and mule ranch just outside Roswell, New Mexico. This is a well known incident that many say has long been covered up by the U.S. Air Force and other federal agencies and organizations.

However, what you may NOT know is tha...t in the month of April 1948, nine months after that historic day, the following people were born:

Albert A. Gore, Jr.
Hillary Rodham
John F. Kerry
William J. Clinton
Howard Dean
Nancy Pelosi
Dianne Feinstein
Charles E. Schumer
Barbara Boxer

See what happens when aliens breed with sheep and jackasses?
I certainly hope this bit of information clears up a lot of things for you. It did for me.

No wonder they support the bill to help illegal aliens!

Comment by metub4 on September 29, 2011 at 5:13pm

A ninety-year-old man is sitting on a park bench, sobbing, when a young man walks by and asks him what's wrong. Through his tears the old man answers, "I'm in love with a twenty-five-year-old woman."

"What's wrong with that?" asks the young man.

Between his sobs and sniffles, he answers, "You don't understand. Every morning before she goes to work, we make love. At lunchtime she comes home and we make love again, and then she makes my favorite meal."

The old man continued, "In the afternoon when she gets a break, she rushes home and gives me oral sex, the best an old man could want. And then at suppertime, and all night long, we make love." He breaks down, no longer able to speak.

The young man puts his arm around him. "I don't understand. It sounds like you have the perfect relationship. Why are you crying?"

The senile old man answers, again through his tears, "I forgot where I live."

Comment by Aggie on September 29, 2011 at 5:06pm

A man was accosted by a particularly shabby, smelly man who asked him for money for dinner. Winkley took out his wallet, extracted a fiver, and asked,
"If I give you this money, will you take it and buy whisky?"
"No, I stopped drinking years ago," the beggar said.
"Will you use it to gamble?" he asked.
"I don't gamble," said the man.
"Will you spend the money on greens fees at a golf course?" he asked.
"Are you MAD?" said the beggar, "I haven't played golf in 20 years!"

At which our viewer exclaimed,
"Forget the money. I'm going to take you to my home for a terrific dinner cooked by my wife."

The beggar was astounded.
"Won't your wife be bothered? I know I'm dirty and I probably smell pretty bad too."
"That's alright," he replied, "I want her to see what a man looks like when he's given up drinking, gambling, and golf."

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