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Comment by Aggie on November 8, 2011 at 10:34pm

Comment by Aggie on November 8, 2011 at 9:44pm

The new young wife read her recipe. It said to cover the turkey with aluminum foila d roast at 375 degrees until brown. 24 hours later the foil was still silver.

Comment by Aggie on November 2, 2011 at 6:57pm

An Irishman goes into the confessional box after years of being away from the Church. He is amazed to find a fully equipped bar with Guinness on tap. On the other wall is a dazzling array of the finest cigars and chocolates in the world.
When the priest comes in, the Irishman excitedly begins..."Father, forgive me, for it's been a very long time since I've been to confession, but I must first admit that the confessional box is much more inviting than it used to be."
The priest replies, "Get out. You're on my side."

Comment by Aggie on November 1, 2011 at 5:23pm

An elderly gentleman, very well dressed, with hair well groomed, great looking suit, flower in his lapel, smelling slightly of a good after shave, presenting a well cared for image, walks into an upscale cocktail lounge.

Seated at the bar is an elderly lady, also well dressed, attractive and sitting alone.

The gentleman walks over, sits down beside her, orders a drink, takes a sip, turns to her, gazes into her eyes and says, "So tell me, do I come here often?"

Comment by Aggie on October 31, 2011 at 9:27pm

The Princess went on to have a blissful life driving sports cars and going on all kinds of wonderful vacations where men would constantly try to woo her with gifts and drinks and compliments. She had her choice of men to bed, which she always insisted on an upscale hotel where she could leave when she was done with them so she didn't have to put up with their snoring, farting and that awkward moment in the morning when he would inevitably ask for her phone number and want to share personal information over breakfast. She never had to put up with men's socks and underwear strewn around her lovely home, grease and oil smudging up her good towels, skid marks in the toilet bowl, getting her breast or ass groped with a pathetic yet hopeful, "So... you wanna?" Never had to share her razor or shave gel, never had to cook for a man, never had to endure hours of listening to him drone on and on and on and on about some ridiculous sports team or event.

Best of all, she was quite content with her own "toys", could always count on her girlfriends to listen to her and empathize with her without having to always "fix" her, could wear her granny panties and let her legs go unshaven for weeks if she wanted without any input from the male peanut gallery and never, ever, ever had to worry about splashing down in the toilet because the toilet seat was always in the proper position: down.

The end.

Comment by Aggie on October 31, 2011 at 9:11pm

A Male Fairy Tale



Once upon a time, a Prince asked a beautiful Princess, "Will you marry me?" The Princess said, "No!!!" And the Prince lived happily ever after and rode motorcycles and banged skinny long-legged big-titted broads and hunted and fished and raced cars and went to naked bars and dated women half his age and drank whiskey, beer and Captain Morgan and never heard bitching and never paid child support or alimony and banged cheerleaders and kept his house and guns and ate spam and potato chips and beans and blew enormous farts and never got cheated on while he was at work and all his friends and family thought he was frikin cool as hell and he had tons of money in the bank and left the toilet seat up.



The end.

Comment by Aggie on October 30, 2011 at 9:30pm

25 Truths of Life

1. If you're too open-minded, your brains will fall out.
2. Don't worry about what people think, they don't do it very often.
3. Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
4. Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
5. If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried before.
6. My idea of housework is to sweep the room with a glance.
7. Not one shred of evidence supports the notion that life is serious.
8. It is easier to get forgiveness than permission.
9. For every action, there is an equal and opposite government program.
10. If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.
11. Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
12. A conscience is what hurts when all of your other parts feel so good.
13. Eat well, stay fit, die anyway.
14. Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it!
15. No man has ever been shot while doing the dishes.
16. A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand.
17. Middle age is when broadness of the mind and narrowness of the waist change places.
18. Opportunities always look bigger going than coming.
19. Junk is something you've kept for years and throw away three weeks before you need it.
20. There is always one more imbecile than you counted on.
21. Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again.
22. By the time you can make ends meet, they move the ends.
23. Thou shall not weigh more than thy refrigerator.
24. Someone who thinks logically provides a nice contrast to the real world.
25. It ain't the jeans that make your butt look fat.

Comment by metub4 on October 16, 2011 at 6:30am

GOOD DOG

 

Comment by metub4 on October 14, 2011 at 8:30pm

all I can say is mooooooooo

Comment by Aggie on October 14, 2011 at 6:45pm

A farmer ordered a high-tech milking machine.

Since the equipment arrived when his wife was out of town, he decided
to test it on himself first.

So, he inserted his 'manhood' into the equipment, turned on the switch
and everything else was automatic.

Soon, he realized that the equipment provided him with much more
pleasure than his wife did. When the fun was over, though, he quickly
realized that he couldn't remove the instrument from his 'member'..

He read the manual but didn't find any useful information on how to
disengage himself. He tried every button on the instrument, but still
without success.

Finally, he decided to call the supplier's Customer Service Hot Line
with his mobile phone (Thank god for mobile phones!).

'Hello, I just bought a milking machine from your company. It works
fantastic, but how do I remove it from the cow's udder?'

'Don't worry, Sir' replied the customer service rep, 'The machine will
release automatically once it's collected two gallons... Have a nice day' :-))

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