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Comment by Aggie on October 31, 2011 at 9:27pm

The Princess went on to have a blissful life driving sports cars and going on all kinds of wonderful vacations where men would constantly try to woo her with gifts and drinks and compliments. She had her choice of men to bed, which she always insisted on an upscale hotel where she could leave when she was done with them so she didn't have to put up with their snoring, farting and that awkward moment in the morning when he would inevitably ask for her phone number and want to share personal information over breakfast. She never had to put up with men's socks and underwear strewn around her lovely home, grease and oil smudging up her good towels, skid marks in the toilet bowl, getting her breast or ass groped with a pathetic yet hopeful, "So... you wanna?" Never had to share her razor or shave gel, never had to cook for a man, never had to endure hours of listening to him drone on and on and on and on about some ridiculous sports team or event.

Best of all, she was quite content with her own "toys", could always count on her girlfriends to listen to her and empathize with her without having to always "fix" her, could wear her granny panties and let her legs go unshaven for weeks if she wanted without any input from the male peanut gallery and never, ever, ever had to worry about splashing down in the toilet because the toilet seat was always in the proper position: down.

The end.

Comment by Aggie on October 31, 2011 at 9:11pm

A Male Fairy Tale



Once upon a time, a Prince asked a beautiful Princess, "Will you marry me?" The Princess said, "No!!!" And the Prince lived happily ever after and rode motorcycles and banged skinny long-legged big-titted broads and hunted and fished and raced cars and went to naked bars and dated women half his age and drank whiskey, beer and Captain Morgan and never heard bitching and never paid child support or alimony and banged cheerleaders and kept his house and guns and ate spam and potato chips and beans and blew enormous farts and never got cheated on while he was at work and all his friends and family thought he was frikin cool as hell and he had tons of money in the bank and left the toilet seat up.



The end.

Comment by Aggie on October 30, 2011 at 9:30pm

25 Truths of Life

1. If you're too open-minded, your brains will fall out.
2. Don't worry about what people think, they don't do it very often.
3. Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
4. Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
5. If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried before.
6. My idea of housework is to sweep the room with a glance.
7. Not one shred of evidence supports the notion that life is serious.
8. It is easier to get forgiveness than permission.
9. For every action, there is an equal and opposite government program.
10. If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.
11. Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
12. A conscience is what hurts when all of your other parts feel so good.
13. Eat well, stay fit, die anyway.
14. Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it!
15. No man has ever been shot while doing the dishes.
16. A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand.
17. Middle age is when broadness of the mind and narrowness of the waist change places.
18. Opportunities always look bigger going than coming.
19. Junk is something you've kept for years and throw away three weeks before you need it.
20. There is always one more imbecile than you counted on.
21. Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again.
22. By the time you can make ends meet, they move the ends.
23. Thou shall not weigh more than thy refrigerator.
24. Someone who thinks logically provides a nice contrast to the real world.
25. It ain't the jeans that make your butt look fat.

Comment by metub4 on October 16, 2011 at 6:30am

GOOD DOG

 

Comment by metub4 on October 14, 2011 at 8:30pm

all I can say is mooooooooo

Comment by Aggie on October 14, 2011 at 6:45pm

A farmer ordered a high-tech milking machine.

Since the equipment arrived when his wife was out of town, he decided
to test it on himself first.

So, he inserted his 'manhood' into the equipment, turned on the switch
and everything else was automatic.

Soon, he realized that the equipment provided him with much more
pleasure than his wife did. When the fun was over, though, he quickly
realized that he couldn't remove the instrument from his 'member'..

He read the manual but didn't find any useful information on how to
disengage himself. He tried every button on the instrument, but still
without success.

Finally, he decided to call the supplier's Customer Service Hot Line
with his mobile phone (Thank god for mobile phones!).

'Hello, I just bought a milking machine from your company. It works
fantastic, but how do I remove it from the cow's udder?'

'Don't worry, Sir' replied the customer service rep, 'The machine will
release automatically once it's collected two gallons... Have a nice day' :-))

Comment by Aggie on October 14, 2011 at 10:26am

Camping Tips
* Shine a flashlight into one ear. If the beam shines out the other ear, do not go into the woods alone.

* A two-man pup tent does not include two men or a pup.

* A potato baked in the coals for three hours makes an excellent hockey puck.

* In emergency situations, you can survive in the wilderness by shooting small game with a slingshot made from the elastic waistband of your underwear.

* The guitar of the noisy teenager at the next campsite makes excellent kindling.

* It's entirely possible to spend your whole vacation on a winding mountain road behind a large motor home.

Comment by Aggie on October 14, 2011 at 10:18am

Some doctor on tv this morning said the way to achieve inner peace is to finish all the things you have started.

So I looked around my house to see things I'd started and hadn't finished so I have managed to finish off a bottle of Merlot, a bottle of Chardonnay, a bodle of Baileys, a butle of wum, a pockage of Prungles, tha mainder of bot Prozic and Valiuminun scriptins, the res of the chesescke an a box a chocletz.

Yu haf no idr how bludy fablus I feel rite now. Plaese sned dhis orn to dem yu fee ar in ned ov iennr pisss. An telum,u blody luvum.!! Xxx

Comment by metub4 on October 13, 2011 at 7:56pm

What if we all started life backwards?

You`d start out dead and get it out of the way.
Then, wake up in an old age home feeling better every day.
You get kicked out for being too healthy; go collect your pension,
Then when you start work, you get a gold watch on your first day.
You work 40 years until you`re young enough to enjoy your retirement.
You drink alcohol, you party, you`re generally promiscuous
You get ready for High School.
You go to primary school, you become a kid, you play,
You have no responsibilities, you become a baby, and then...
You spend your last 9 months floating peacefully in luxury, in spa-like conditions; central heating, room service on tap, and then, you finish off as an orgasm.

Author unknown

Comment by Aggie on October 7, 2011 at 10:02am

One day a little indian boy walked up to the chief and said "Me ready for women."
The chief said "Before you can have a real women, you must go into the woods and practice on the trees for three days"

The Indian boy said "Ok," and went off into the woods.

Three days later, he returns and says "Me ready for women."

The Indian cheif says "Pick out any woman you want and take her inside the teepee."

The boy picked a women, escorted her into the teepee and said "Take off all your clothes, bend over and grab your ankles." The women asked "Why?", but the boy told her to just to bend over.

The women bent over, and the boy kicked her in the ass. "Why the hell did you do that?" she asked.

"Just checking for bees." replied the boy. :-))

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