Keep Laughing!

Comment

Comment by Aggie on November 22, 2011 at 10:46pm

GETTING A HAIRDRYER THROUGH CUSTOMS...
A distinguished young woman on a flight from Ireland asked the Priest beside her, "Father, may I ask a favour?"

"Of course child, what may I do for you?"

"Well, I bought an expensive woman's electronic hair dryer for my Mother's birthday that is unopened and well over the Customs limits, and I'm afraid they'll confiscate it. Is there any way you could carry it through customs for me, under your robes perhaps?"

"I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you: I will not lie."
"With your honest face, Father, no one will question you."

When they got to Customs, she let the priest go ahead of her.
The official asked, "Father, do you have anything to declare?"

"From the top of my head down to my waist, I have nothing to declare."
The official thought this answer strange, so asked, "And what do you have to declare from your waist to the floor?"

"I have a marvelous instrument designed to be used on a woman, but which is, to date, unused."
Roaring with laughter, the official said, "Go ahead, Father. Next!"

Comment by Aggie on November 22, 2011 at 8:35pm

PREGNANT TURKEY STORY

One year at Thanksgiving, my mom went to my sister's house for the traditional feast. Knowing how gullible my sister is, my mom decided to play a trick. She told my sister that she needed something from the store.

When my sister left, my mom took the turkey out of the oven, removed the stuffing, stuffed a Cornish hen, and inserted it into the turkey, and re-stuffed the turkey. She then placed the bird(s) back in the oven.

When it was time for dinner, my sister pulled the turkey out of the oven and proceeded to remove the stuffing.

When her serving spoon hit something, she reached in and pulled out the little bird. With a look of total shock on her face, my mother exclaimed, "Patricia, you've cooked a pregnant bird!"

At the reality of this horrifying news, my sister started to cry. It took the family two hours to convince her that turkeys lay eggs!

- Author Unknown

Comment by Aggie on November 21, 2011 at 7:27pm

There is a factory in Northern Minnesota which makes the Tickle Me Elmo toys. The toy laughs when you tickle it under the arms. Well, Lena is hired at The Tickle Me Elmo factory and she reports for her first day promptly at 8:00 AM.

The next day at 8:45 AM there is a knock at the Personnel Manager's door. The Foreman throws open the door and begins to rant about the new employee. He complains that she is incredibly slow and the whole line is backing up, putting the entire production line behind schedule.

The Personnel Manager decides he should see this for himself, so the 2 men march down to the factory floor. When they get there the line is so backed up that there are Tickle Me Elmo's all over the factory floor and they're really beginning to pile up. At the end of the line stands Lena surrounded by mountains of Tickle Me Elmo's.

She has a roll of plush red fabric and a huge bag of small marbles. The 2 men watch in amazement as she cuts a little piece of fabric, wraps it around two marbles and begins to carefully sew the little package between Elmo's legs.

The Personnel Manager bursts into laughter. After several minutes of hysterics he pulls himself together and approaches Lena. "I'm sorry," he says to her, barely able to keep a straight face, "but I think you misunderstood the instructions I gave you yesterday..."
"Your job is to give Elmo two test tickles."

Comment by metub4 on November 13, 2011 at 7:31am

My wife says she holds me responsible for most of our martial problems. Just goes to show ya how much she knows - I'm never home.

or

I asked my wife the other day what she liked best about me; my firm, trim body or my intellect. She said, "Your sense of humor dear."

or

Leroy was telling his friend Bubba about the date he had the night before, "It was a bummer. She used four letter words all evening."

Bubba exclaimed, "Really? I can't believe you didn't enjoy that."

"Guess again," said Leroy, "All night she kept saying 'Quit,' 'Stop,' and 'Don't!'"

I saw in the paper the other day that there's a serious shortage of men in Washington DC. I commented on this fact to my wife and told her I might just go there. I added that the article said that men could earn $50 a night easily as a gigolo. She smiled and said, "And exactly how do you intend to live on $150 a month ?"

Comment by metub4 on November 13, 2011 at 7:30am

In 1991, the American Government funded a study to see why the head of a man's penis was larger than the shaft. After one year and $180,000, they concluded that the reason the head was larger than the shaft was to give the man more pleasure during sex.

After the US published the study, Germany decided to do their own study. After $250,000 and 3 years of research, they concluded that the reason was to give the woman more pleasure during sex.

Poland, unsatisfied with these findings, conducted their own study. After three weeks and a cost of around $75.47, they concluded that it was to keep a man's hand from flying off and hitting him in the forehead.

Comment by Aggie on November 10, 2011 at 4:50pm

A very proper man started going into the neighbourhood pharmacy every week to buy 2 dozen boxes of condoms. Week after week he would come in with the same order.

One day the pharmacist felt he had to say something to the man. "Wow! You must have the stamina of a bull. Talk about getting lucky! How on earth do you use that many condoms a week?"

The man looked at him in disgust and said, "I beg your pardon, but I find the whole idea of sex repulsive!"

"So," the pharmacist asked, "then what do you do with all those condoms?"

The gentleman answered, "I feed them to my poodle and now she poops in little plastic bags."

Comment by Aggie on November 8, 2011 at 10:34pm

Comment by Aggie on November 8, 2011 at 9:44pm

The new young wife read her recipe. It said to cover the turkey with aluminum foila d roast at 375 degrees until brown. 24 hours later the foil was still silver.

Comment by Aggie on November 2, 2011 at 6:57pm

An Irishman goes into the confessional box after years of being away from the Church. He is amazed to find a fully equipped bar with Guinness on tap. On the other wall is a dazzling array of the finest cigars and chocolates in the world.
When the priest comes in, the Irishman excitedly begins..."Father, forgive me, for it's been a very long time since I've been to confession, but I must first admit that the confessional box is much more inviting than it used to be."
The priest replies, "Get out. You're on my side."

Comment by Aggie on November 1, 2011 at 5:23pm

An elderly gentleman, very well dressed, with hair well groomed, great looking suit, flower in his lapel, smelling slightly of a good after shave, presenting a well cared for image, walks into an upscale cocktail lounge.

Seated at the bar is an elderly lady, also well dressed, attractive and sitting alone.

The gentleman walks over, sits down beside her, orders a drink, takes a sip, turns to her, gazes into her eyes and says, "So tell me, do I come here often?"

• ‹ Previous
• 1
• …
• 90
• 91
• 92
• 93
• 94
• …
• 132
• Next ›
• Page