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Comment by metub4 on December 8, 2011 at 12:38pm

TWO OLD GUYS

  

I pointed to two old drunks sitting across the bar from us and told my friend "That's us in 10 years."   He said "That's a mirror, dip-shit!

Comment by Aggie on December 5, 2011 at 4:51pm

When my printer's type began to grow faint, I called a local repair shop where a friendly man informed me that the printer probably needed only to be cleaned. Because the store charged $50 for such cleanings, he told me, I might be better off reading the printer's manual and trying the job myself.

Pleasantly surprised by his candor, I asked, "Does your boss know that you discourage business?"

"Actually it's my boss's idea," the employee replied sheepishly. "We usually make more money on repairs if we let people try to fix things themselves first."

Comment by Aggie on December 5, 2011 at 4:22pm

The pastor shocked the congregation when he announced that he was resigning from the church and moving to a drier climate. After the service, a very distraught lady came to the pastor with tears in her eyes, "Oh, Pastor Bob, we are going to miss you so much. We don't want you to leave!" The kind hearted pastor patted her hand and said "Now, now, Carolyn, don't carry on. The pastor who takes my place might be even better than me".

"Yeah", she said, with a tone of disappointment in her voice, "That's what they said the last time too . . . "

Comment by Aggie on November 30, 2011 at 8:06pm

How to Wash a Toilet!

This was simply too much of a time saver not to share it with you.

1. Put both lids of the toilet up and add 1/8 cup of pet shampoo to the water in the bowl.

2. Pick up the cat and soothe him while you carry him towards the bathroom.

3. In one smooth movement, put the cat in the toilet and close the lid.
You may need to stand on the lid.

4. The cat will self-agitate and make ample suds.
Never mind the noises that come from the toilet, the cat is actually enjoying this.

5. Flush the toilet three or four times.
This provides a 'power-wash' and rinse'.

6. Have someone open the front door of your home.
Be sure that there are no people between the bathroom and the front door.

7. Stand behind the toilet as far as you can, and quickly lift the lid.

8. The cat will rocket out of the toilet, streak through the bathroom,
And run outside where he will dry himself off.

9. Both the commode and the cat will be sparkling clean..

Sincerely,

The Dog

Comment by Aggie on November 29, 2011 at 7:05pm

The blonde is flying along, in a two-seater airplane, with her Pilot.

All of a sudden the Pilot has heart attack and dies.
She frantically calls a "May Day!"

"May Day! May Day! Help me! Help me! My Pilot had a heart attack and is dead, and I don't know how to fly. Help me! Please help me!"

All of a sudden she hears a voice over the radio saying, "This is the tower. I have received your message and I will talk you through it.
I've had a lot of experience with this kind of problem. Now, just relax. Everything will be fine!
" Please indicate your height and present position."

She says, "I'm 5'4" and I'm in the front seat."

"O.K." says the voice from the tower, " Now repeat after me, Our Father, Who art in Heaven .........."

Comment by Aggie on November 22, 2011 at 11:06pm

Someone gave me a turkey and so I am going to take the turkey to my sister. Is that considered flipping the bird?

Comment by Aggie on November 22, 2011 at 10:46pm

GETTING A HAIRDRYER THROUGH CUSTOMS...
A distinguished young woman on a flight from Ireland asked the Priest beside her, "Father, may I ask a favour?"

"Of course child, what may I do for you?"

"Well, I bought an expensive woman's electronic hair dryer for my Mother's birthday that is unopened and well over the Customs limits, and I'm afraid they'll confiscate it. Is there any way you could carry it through customs for me, under your robes perhaps?"

"I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you: I will not lie."
"With your honest face, Father, no one will question you."

When they got to Customs, she let the priest go ahead of her.
The official asked, "Father, do you have anything to declare?"

"From the top of my head down to my waist, I have nothing to declare."
The official thought this answer strange, so asked, "And what do you have to declare from your waist to the floor?"

"I have a marvelous instrument designed to be used on a woman, but which is, to date, unused."
Roaring with laughter, the official said, "Go ahead, Father. Next!"

Comment by Aggie on November 22, 2011 at 8:35pm

PREGNANT TURKEY STORY

One year at Thanksgiving, my mom went to my sister's house for the traditional feast. Knowing how gullible my sister is, my mom decided to play a trick. She told my sister that she needed something from the store.

When my sister left, my mom took the turkey out of the oven, removed the stuffing, stuffed a Cornish hen, and inserted it into the turkey, and re-stuffed the turkey. She then placed the bird(s) back in the oven.

When it was time for dinner, my sister pulled the turkey out of the oven and proceeded to remove the stuffing.

When her serving spoon hit something, she reached in and pulled out the little bird. With a look of total shock on her face, my mother exclaimed, "Patricia, you've cooked a pregnant bird!"

At the reality of this horrifying news, my sister started to cry. It took the family two hours to convince her that turkeys lay eggs!

- Author Unknown

Comment by Aggie on November 21, 2011 at 7:27pm

There is a factory in Northern Minnesota which makes the Tickle Me Elmo toys. The toy laughs when you tickle it under the arms. Well, Lena is hired at The Tickle Me Elmo factory and she reports for her first day promptly at 8:00 AM.

The next day at 8:45 AM there is a knock at the Personnel Manager's door. The Foreman throws open the door and begins to rant about the new employee. He complains that she is incredibly slow and the whole line is backing up, putting the entire production line behind schedule.

The Personnel Manager decides he should see this for himself, so the 2 men march down to the factory floor. When they get there the line is so backed up that there are Tickle Me Elmo's all over the factory floor and they're really beginning to pile up. At the end of the line stands Lena surrounded by mountains of Tickle Me Elmo's.

She has a roll of plush red fabric and a huge bag of small marbles. The 2 men watch in amazement as she cuts a little piece of fabric, wraps it around two marbles and begins to carefully sew the little package between Elmo's legs.

The Personnel Manager bursts into laughter. After several minutes of hysterics he pulls himself together and approaches Lena. "I'm sorry," he says to her, barely able to keep a straight face, "but I think you misunderstood the instructions I gave you yesterday..."
"Your job is to give Elmo two test tickles."

Comment by metub4 on November 13, 2011 at 7:31am

My wife says she holds me responsible for most of our martial problems. Just goes to show ya how much she knows - I'm never home.

or

I asked my wife the other day what she liked best about me; my firm, trim body or my intellect. She said, "Your sense of humor dear."

or

Leroy was telling his friend Bubba about the date he had the night before, "It was a bummer. She used four letter words all evening."

Bubba exclaimed, "Really? I can't believe you didn't enjoy that."

"Guess again," said Leroy, "All night she kept saying 'Quit,' 'Stop,' and 'Don't!'"

I saw in the paper the other day that there's a serious shortage of men in Washington DC. I commented on this fact to my wife and told her I might just go there. I added that the article said that men could earn $50 a night easily as a gigolo. She smiled and said, "And exactly how do you intend to live on $150 a month ?"

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