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The Place to crack up! Laughing is allowed 24/7!

Members: 193
Latest Activity: yesterday

Started by ozzieowl. Last reply by Aggie yesterday.

Started by EddieDingo. Last reply by Aggie Apr 22.

Started by ozzieowl. Last reply by Aggie Feb 14.

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Comment by Aggie on December 12, 2011 at 5:52pm: A blonde city girl named Amy marries a Colorado rancher.

One morning, on his way out to check on the cows, the rancher says to Amy, "The artificial insemination man is coming over to impregnate one of our cows today, so I drove a nail into the 2 x 4 just above where the cow's stall is in the barn. Please show him where the cow is when he gets here, Okay?'

The rancher leaves for the fields. After a while, the artificial insemination man arrives and knocks on the front door. Amy takes him down to the barn. They walk along the row of cows and when Amy sees the nail, she tells him, "This is the one right here." The man, assuming he is dealing with an air head blonde, asks, "Tell me lady, 'cause I'm dying to know; how would YOU know that this is the right cow to be bred?"

"That's simple," she said. "By the nail that's over its stall," she explains very confidently. Laughing rudely at her, the man says, "And what, pray tell, is the nail for?"
The blonde turns to walk away and says sweetly over her shoulder, "I guess it's to hang your pants on." (It's nice to see a blonde winning once in awhile.)

Comment by metub4 on December 8, 2011 at 12:38pm

TWO OLD GUYS

I pointed to two old drunks sitting across the bar from us and told my friend
"That's us in 10 years."

He said "That's a mirror, dip-shit!

Comment by Aggie on December 5, 2011 at 4:51pm: When my printer's type began to grow faint, I called a local repair shop where a friendly man informed me that the printer probably needed only to be cleaned. Because the store charged $50 for such cleanings, he told me, I might be better off reading the printer's manual and trying the job myself.

Pleasantly surprised by his candor, I asked, "Does your boss know that you discourage business?"

"Actually it's my boss's idea," the employee replied sheepishly. "We usually make more money on repairs if we let people try to fix things themselves first."

Comment by Aggie on December 5, 2011 at 4:22pm: The pastor shocked the congregation when he announced that he was resigning from the church and moving to a drier climate. After the service, a very distraught lady came to the pastor with tears in her eyes, "Oh, Pastor Bob, we are going to miss you so much. We don't want you to leave!" The kind hearted pastor patted her hand and said "Now, now, Carolyn, don't carry on. The pastor who takes my place might be even better than me".

"Yeah", she said, with a tone of disappointment in her voice, "That's what they said the last time too . . . "

Comment by Aggie on November 30, 2011 at 8:06pm: How to Wash a Toilet!

This was simply too much of a time saver not to share it with you.

1. Put both lids of the toilet up and add 1/8 cup of pet shampoo to the water in the bowl.

2. Pick up the cat and soothe him while you carry him towards the bathroom.

3. In one smooth movement, put the cat in the toilet and close the lid.
You may need to stand on the lid.

4. The cat will self-agitate and make ample suds.
Never mind the noises that come from the toilet, the cat is actually enjoying this.

5. Flush the toilet three or four times.
This provides a 'power-wash' and rinse'.

6. Have someone open the front door of your home.
Be sure that there are no people between the bathroom and the front door.

7. Stand behind the toilet as far as you can, and quickly lift the lid.

8. The cat will rocket out of the toilet, streak through the bathroom,
And run outside where he will dry himself off.

9. Both the commode and the cat will be sparkling clean..

Sincerely,

The Dog

Comment by Aggie on November 29, 2011 at 7:05pm: The blonde is flying along, in a two-seater airplane, with her Pilot.

All of a sudden the Pilot has heart attack and dies.
She frantically calls a "May Day!"

"May Day! May Day! Help me! Help me! My Pilot had a heart attack and is dead, and I don't know how to fly. Help me! Please help me!"

All of a sudden she hears a voice over the radio saying, "This is the tower. I have received your message and I will talk you through it.
I've had a lot of experience with this kind of problem. Now, just relax. Everything will be fine!
" Please indicate your height and present position."

She says, "I'm 5'4" and I'm in the front seat."

"O.K." says the voice from the tower, " Now repeat after me, Our Father, Who art in Heaven .........."

Comment by Aggie on November 22, 2011 at 11:06pm: Someone gave me a turkey and so I am going to take the turkey to my sister. Is that considered flipping the bird?