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Comment by ozzieowl on January 19, 2012 at 7:30pm

Lol !

Comment by Aggie on January 19, 2012 at 11:38am

A businessman met a beautiful girl and agreed to spend the night
with her for $500. They did their thing,
and, before he left, he told her that he did not have any cash
with him, but he would have his
secretary write a cheque and mail it to her, calling the payment
'RENT FOR APARTMENT.'

On the way to the office, he regretted what he had Done,
realizing that the whole event had not been
worth the price. So he had his secretary send a cheque for $250
and enclose the following typed note:

Dear Madam:
Enclosed find a cheque for $250 for rent of your apartment . I am not sending the amount agreed upon, because when I rented the place, I was under the impression that:
#1 - it had never been occupied;
#2 - there was plenty of heat; and
#3 - it was small enough to make me feel cozy and at home.

However, I found out that:
#1 - it had been previously occupied,
#2 - there wasn't any heat, and
#3 - it was entirely too large.

Upon receipt of the note, the girl immediately
returned the cheque for $250 with the following note:

Dear Sir:
#1 - I cannot understand how you could expect a beautiful apartment to remain unoccupied indefinitely.
#2 - As for the heat, there is plenty of it, if you knew how to turn it on.
#3 - Regarding the space, the apartment is indeed of regular size, but if you don't have enough furniture to fill it, please do not blame the management.

So, Please send the rent in full or we will be forced to contact your present landlady...

Comment by ozzieowl on January 18, 2012 at 11:51pm

DONALD AND DAISY........
Donald Duck and Daisy Duck were spending the night together in a hotel room and Donald wanted to have sex with Daisy.

The first thing Daisy asked was, 'Do you have a condom?'

Donald frowned and said, 'No.'

Daisy told Donald that if he didn't get a condom, they could not have sex.

'Maybe they sell them at the front desk,' she suggested.
So Donald went down to the lobby and asked the hotel clerk if they had condoms.

'Yes, we do,' the clerk said and pulled a box out from under the counter and gave it to Donald.

The clerk asked, 'Would you like me to put them on your bill?

'No!' Donald quacked, ‘I'll thuffocate’

Comment by Aggie on January 12, 2012 at 12:46am

Ole is the pastor of the local Norwegian Lutheran Church , and Pastor Sven is the minister of the Swedish Covenant Church across the road. One day they are seen pounding a sign into the ground, which said:

DA END ISS NEAR!
TURN YERSELF AROUNT NOW
BAFOR IT ISS TOO LATE!

As a car speeds past them, the driver leans out his window and yells, "Leave people alone, you Skandihoovian religious nuts!" From the curve, they hear screeching tires and a big splash. Shaking his head, Rev. Ole says, "Dat's da terd one dis mornin'."
"Yaa," Pastor Sven agrees, then asks, "Do ya tink maybe da sign should yust say, Bridge out?'".

Comment by Aggie on January 12, 2012 at 12:42am

A little boy goes to his father and asks "Daddy, how was I born?".

The father answers, "Well son, I guess one day you will need to find out anyway!

Your Mom and I first got together in a chat room on yahoo. Then I set up a date via e-mail with your Mom and we met at a cyber cafe.....we sneaked into a secluded room, and googled each other.

There your mother agreed to a download from my hard drive. As soon as I was ready to upload, we discovered neither one of us had used a firewall. And since it was too late to hit the delete button...

Nine months later a little pop-up appeared that said...YOU GOT MALE

Comment by metub4 on January 10, 2012 at 2:13pm

10 years ago the USA had Steve Jobs,

   Bob Hope and Johnny Cash

Now we have no Jobs, no Hope and no Cash

Comment by Aggie on January 3, 2012 at 5:07pm

Hanging in the hallway at the High School are the
basketball team pictures from the past 40 years.
A player in the center of the front row in each
picture holds a basketball identifying the year--
"62-63," "63-64," "64-65," etc.

One day I spotted a freshman looking curiously at
the photos. Turning to me, he said, "Isn't it strange
how the teams always lost by one point?"

Comment by Aggie on December 23, 2011 at 7:07am

If you didn't see this on the Tonight show, I hope you're sitting down when you read it. This is probably the funniest date story ever, first date or not!!! We have all had bad dates but this takes the cake.

Jay Leno went into the audience to find the most embarrassing first date that a woman ever had. The winner described her worst first date experience.

There was absolutely no question as to why her tale took the prize!

She said it was midwinter...Snowing and quite cold... and the guy had taken her skiing in the mountains outside Salt Lake City , Utah .

It was a day trip (no overnight). They were strangers, after all, and had never met before. The outing was fun but relatively uneventful until they were headed home late that a fternoon.

They were driving back down the mountain, when she gradually began to realize that she should not have had that extra latte. ! ! They were about an hour away from anywhere with a rest room and in the middle of nowhere! Her companion suggested she try to hold it, which she did for a while. Unfortunately, because of the heavy snow and slow going, there came a point here she told him that he had better stop and let her go beside the road, or it would be the front seat of his car.

They stopped and she quickly crawled out beside the car, yanked her pants down and started. In the deep snow she didn't have good footing, so she let her butt rest against the rear fender to steady herself. Her companion stood on the side of the car watching for traffic and indeed was a real gentleman and refrained from peeking. All she could think about was the relief she felt despite the rather embarrassing nature of the situation.

Upon finishing however, she soon becam e aware of another sensation. As she bent to pull up her pants, the young lady discovered her buttocks were firmly glued against the car's fender. Thoughts of tongues frozen to poles immediately came to mind as she attempted to disengage her flesh from the icy metal. It was quickly apparent that she had a brand new problem, due to the extreme cold.

Horrified by her plight and yet aware of the humor of the moment, she answered her date's concerns about " what is taking so long" with a reply that indeed, she was "freezing her butt off" and in need of some assistance! He came around the car as she tried to cover herself with her sweater and then, as she looked imploringly into his eyes, he burst out laughing. She too, got the giggles and when they finally managed to compose themselves, they assessed her dilemma. Obviously, as hysterical as the situation was, they also were faced with a real problem.

Both agreed it would take something hot to free her chilly cheeks from the grip of the icy metal! Thinking about what had gotten her into the predicament in the first place, both quickly realized that there was only one way to get her free. So, as she looked the other way, her first time date proceeded to unzip his pants and pee her butt off the fender.

As the audience screamed in laughter, she took the Tonight Show prize hands down. Or perhaps that should be "pants down". And you thought your first date was embarrassing. Jay Leno's comment... 'This gives a whole new meaning to "being pissed off."

Oh and how did the first date turn out? He became her husband and was sitting next to her on the Leno show.

Comment by Aggie on December 19, 2011 at 10:18am

And lo, in the year 2011, the Lord came unto Noah, who was now living in the United States, and said:
"Once again, the earth has become wicked and over-populated, and I see the end of all flesh before me."

"Build another Ark and save two of every living thing along with a few good humans."

He gave Noah the blueprints, saying, "You have 6 months to build the ark before I will start the unending rain for 40 days and 40 nights."

Six months later, the Lord looked down and saw Noah weeping in his yard, but there was no ark.

"Noah! I'm about to start the rain! Where is the ark?"

"Forgive me, Lord," begged Noah, "but things have changed."

"I needed a building permit."

"I've been arguing with the inspector about the need for a sprinkler system."

"My neighbors claim that I've violated the neighborhood zoning laws by building the ark in my yard and exceeding the height limitations. We had to go to the Development Appeal Board for a decision."

"Then the Department of Transportation demanded a bond be posted for the future costs of moving power lines and other overhead obstructions, to clear the passage for the ark's move to the sea. I told them that the sea would be coming to us, but they would hear nothing of it."

"Getting the wood was another problem. There's a ban on cutting local trees in order to save the spotted owl."

"I tried to convince the environmentalists that I needed the wood to save the owls, but no go!"

"When I started gathering the animals, an animal rights group sued me. They insisted that I was confining wild animals against their will. They argued the accommodations were too restrictive, and it was cruel and inhumane to put so many animals in a confined space."

"Then the EPA ruled that I couldn't build the ark until they'd conducted an environmental impact study on your proposed flood."

"I'm still trying to resolve a complaint with the Human Rights Commission on how many minorities I'm supposed to hire for my building crew."

"Immigration and Naturalization are checking the green-card status of most of the people who want to work."

"The trades unions say I can't use my sons. They insist I have to hire only Union workers with ark-building experience.

"To make matters worse, the IRS seized all my assets, claiming I'm trying to leave the country illegally with endangered species."

"So, forgive me, Lord, but it would take at least 10 years for me to finish this Ark."

Suddenly, the skies cleared, the sun began to shine, and a rainbow stretched across the sky.

Noah looked up in wonder and asked, "You mean you're not going to destroy the world?"

"No," said the Lord. "The government beat me to it."

Comment by Aggie on December 16, 2011 at 7:46am

Lipstick

(You've got to love this principal)

According to a news report, a certain private school in Washington was
recently faced with a unique problem. A number of 12-year-old girls were
beginning to use lipstick and would put it on in the bathroom. That was
fine, but after they put on their lipstick they would press their lips
to the mirror leaving dozens of little lip prints. Every night the
maintenance man would remove them and the next day the girls would put
them back.

Finally the principal decided that something had to be done. She called
all the girls to the bathroom and met them there with the maintenance man.
She explained that all these lip prints were causing a major problem for
the custodian who had to clean the mirrors every night (you can just
imagine the yawns from the little princesses). To demonstrate how difficult
it had been
to clean the mirrors, she asked the maintenance man to show the girls how
much effort was required.

He took out a long-handled squeegee, dipped it in the toilet, and
cleaned the mirror with it.

Since then, there have been no lip prints on the mirror.

There are teachers.... and then there are educators

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