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Comment by metub4 on February 9, 2012 at 4:51pm

A ninety-year-old man is sitting on a park bench, sobbing, when a young man walks by and asks him what's wrong. Through his tears the old man answers, "I'm in love with a twenty-five-year-old woman."

"What's wrong with that?" asks the young man.

Between his sobs and sniffles, he answers, "You don't understand. Every morning before she goes to work, we make love. At lunchtime she comes home and we make love again, and then she makes my favorite meal."

The old man continued, "In the afternoon when she gets a break, she rushes home and gives me oral sex, the best an old man could want. And then at suppertime, and all night long, we make love." He breaks down, no longer able to speak.

The young man puts his arm around him. "I don't understand. It sounds like you have the perfect relationship. Why are you crying?"

The senile old man answers, again through his tears, "I forgot where I live."

Comment by ozzieowl on February 9, 2012 at 4:32pm

So, sooo funny, thankya metub4 and tis great to see you!

Comment by metub4 on February 9, 2012 at 3:35pm

This man was sitting quietly reading his paper one morning, peacefully enjoying himself, when his wife sneaks up behind him and smacks him on the back of his head with a huge frying pan.

He asks, "What was that for?"

She replies, "What was that piece of paper in your pants pocket with the name Marylou written on it?"

He says, "Oh honey, remember two weeks ago when I went to the horse races? Marylou was the name of one of the horse I bet on."

She is appeased and goes off to work around the house.

Three days later he is once again sitting in his chair reading and she repeats the frying pan swatting. He says, "What's that for this time?" She answered, "Your horse called."

Comment by ozzieowl on February 9, 2012 at 12:03am

I cannot stay, but here is another one...

WARNINGS -- Not always heeded
The little boy went to the store and asked the clerk for a box of Duz detergent. "What do you need that for?" asked the clerk, and the boy answered, "To wash my dog."
"That's pretty strong stuff for washing a dog," warned the clerk, but the boy insisted that Duz was what he wanted, so the clerk sold it to him, reminding, "Now be careful when you wash your dog. That detergent is strong, and could kill him."
A week later the boy came in the store again and the clerk asked, "How's your dog?" The boy explained that the dog was dead. The clerk said, "I'm sorry, but I tried to warn you that Duz was too strong."
The little boy shook his head and said, "I don't think it was the Duz that did it. I think it was the rinse cycle that got him."

Comment by ozzieowl on February 9, 2012 at 12:02am

A man is rushed to the ER after suffering a heart attack. The doctor tells him that he will not survive without a heart transplant right away. Another doctor runs into the room and says, "Good news—two hearts just became available, so you get to choose which one you want. One belongs to an attorney and the other to a social worker."

The patient immediately responds, "The attorney's."

The doctor says, "Hang on. Don't you want to know a little about them before you make your decision?"

The patient says, "I already know enough. We all know that social workers are bleeding hearts and the attorney probably never used his, so I'll take the attorney's heart!"

Comment by Aggie on February 8, 2012 at 7:57pm

A blonde heard that taking milk baths would improve her skin tone and appearance, so she left a note for the milkman to bring her 25 gallons of milk on his next visit. Thinking it was a mistake, he rang the bell and when she came to the door, he asked "Ma'am, did you maybe mean 2.5 gallons?" She said "No, I'm going to take a milk bath, so I need 25 gallons, just like the note said." The milkman said "Ok, gotcha... do you want it pasteurized?" The blonde immediately responded: "No, just up to my tits... I can splash it onto my eyes."

Comment by Aggie on February 8, 2012 at 5:49pm

A guy decides to bring his new blonde girlfriend to a football game. After the game is over, he asks her if she liked the game.

She replies: "Oh it was great, I loved watching those men in tight clothes, but there is one thing I don't understand."

"What did you not understand ?"

And the blonde says: "Well, at the begginning of the game, both teams flipped a quarter to see who would kick off first. Then the rest of the game everybody was yelling get the quarter back, get the quarter back, get the quarter back. So I thought to myself, gosh it's just a quarter!"

Comment by Aggie on February 2, 2012 at 8:51pm

Mary and George are flying to Florida for a two-week vacation to celebrate their 40th anniversary. Suddenly, over the public address system, the Captain announces, "Ladies and Gentlemen, I am afraid I have some very bad news. Our engines have ceased functioning and we will attempt an emergency landing. Luckily, I see an uncharted island below us and we should be able to land on the beach. However, the odds are that we may never be rescued and will have to live on the island for the rest of our lives!"

Thanks to the skill of the flight crew, the plane lands safely on the island. An hour later George turns to his wife and asks, "Mary, did we pay our $5,000 PBS pledge check yet?"

"No, sweetheart," she responds.

George, still shaken from the crash landing, then asks, "Mary, did we pay our American Express card yet?"

"Oh, no! I'm sorry. I forgot to send the check," she says.

"One last thing, Mary. Did you remember to send checks for the Visa and MasterCard this month?" he asks.

"Oy, forgive me, George," begged Mary. "I didn't send that one, either."

George grabs her and gives her the biggest kiss in 40 years. Mary pulls away and asks him, "What was that for?"

George answers, "They'll find us!"

Comment by Aggie on February 2, 2012 at 8:19pm

No one knows how it happened but once upon a time a female brain cell, by mistake, ends up in a man's head. She looks around nervously, but all around her is empty and quiet.

'Hello?' she cries out, but she gets no answer.
So she cries out a little louder, 'Is there anyone here?' but still she gets no answer.

Feeling very much alone and getting quite scared, she yells out at the top of her voice, 'Hello, hello, Is there anyone here?'

Then, at last she hears very faint voices from a long way away...'Hello, we're all down here!'

Comment by Aggie on February 1, 2012 at 6:38pm

An elderly man was stopped by the police around 2 a.m. and was asked where he was going at that time of night.
The man replied, "I'm on my way to a lecture about alcohol abuse and the effects it has on the human body, as well as smoking and staying out late."
The officer then asked, "Really? Who's giving that lecture at this time of night?"
The man replied, "That would be my wife."

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