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Comment by Aggie on February 8, 2012 at 5:49pm

A guy decides to bring his new blonde girlfriend to a football game. After the game is over, he asks her if she liked the game.

She replies: "Oh it was great, I loved watching those men in tight clothes, but there is one thing I don't understand."

"What did you not understand ?"

And the blonde says: "Well, at the begginning of the game, both teams flipped a quarter to see who would kick off first. Then the rest of the game everybody was yelling get the quarter back, get the quarter back, get the quarter back. So I thought to myself, gosh it's just a quarter!"

Comment by Aggie on February 2, 2012 at 8:51pm

Mary and George are flying to Florida for a two-week vacation to celebrate their 40th anniversary. Suddenly, over the public address system, the Captain announces, "Ladies and Gentlemen, I am afraid I have some very bad news. Our engines have ceased functioning and we will attempt an emergency landing. Luckily, I see an uncharted island below us and we should be able to land on the beach. However, the odds are that we may never be rescued and will have to live on the island for the rest of our lives!"

Thanks to the skill of the flight crew, the plane lands safely on the island. An hour later George turns to his wife and asks, "Mary, did we pay our $5,000 PBS pledge check yet?"

"No, sweetheart," she responds.

George, still shaken from the crash landing, then asks, "Mary, did we pay our American Express card yet?"

"Oh, no! I'm sorry. I forgot to send the check," she says.

"One last thing, Mary. Did you remember to send checks for the Visa and MasterCard this month?" he asks.

"Oy, forgive me, George," begged Mary. "I didn't send that one, either."

George grabs her and gives her the biggest kiss in 40 years. Mary pulls away and asks him, "What was that for?"

George answers, "They'll find us!"

Comment by Aggie on February 2, 2012 at 8:19pm

No one knows how it happened but once upon a time a female brain cell, by mistake, ends up in a man's head. She looks around nervously, but all around her is empty and quiet.

'Hello?' she cries out, but she gets no answer.
So she cries out a little louder, 'Is there anyone here?' but still she gets no answer.

Feeling very much alone and getting quite scared, she yells out at the top of her voice, 'Hello, hello, Is there anyone here?'

Then, at last she hears very faint voices from a long way away...'Hello, we're all down here!'

Comment by Aggie on February 1, 2012 at 6:38pm

An elderly man was stopped by the police around 2 a.m. and was asked where he was going at that time of night.
The man replied, "I'm on my way to a lecture about alcohol abuse and the effects it has on the human body, as well as smoking and staying out late."
The officer then asked, "Really? Who's giving that lecture at this time of night?"
The man replied, "That would be my wife."

Comment by Aggie on February 1, 2012 at 5:08pm

Thoughts On Aging
- The aging process could be slowed down if it had to work its way through Congress.

- You're getting old when you're sitting in a rocker and you can't get it started.

- You're getting old when you wake up with that morning-after feeling, and you didn't do anything the night before.

- The cardiologist's diet: if it tastes good, spit it out.

- Doctor to patient: I have good news and bad news: the good news is that you are not a hypochondriac.

- It's hard to be nostalgic when you can't remember anything.

- You know you're getting old when you stop buying green bananas.

- Last Will and Testament: Being of sound mind, I spent all my money.

- When you lean over to pick something up off the floor, you ask yourself if there is anything else you need to do while you are down there.

- You find yourself in the middle of the stairway, and you can't remember if you were downstairs going up or upstairs going down.

Comment by ozzieowl on January 31, 2012 at 4:24pm

Hullo Aggie, you will never know how good it has been to have

a really good giggle today. I am staying down at one of my daughter's

for a while and am unable to access the Internet hardly at all -

and it is extremely frustrating, so thank you so much for the laughs,

I shall be back when I can, and you enjoy your week -  Hugzzz!

Comment by Aggie on January 30, 2012 at 9:24pm

I walked into a hair salon with my husband and three
kids in tow and asked loudly,
'How much do you charge for a shampoo and a blow job?'
I turned around and walked back out and never went back
My husband didn't say a word...he knew better.

Comment by Aggie on January 30, 2012 at 9:24pm

I was at the golf store comparing different kinds of golf balls.
I was unhappy with the women's type I had been using.
After browsing for several minutes, I was approached by
one of the good-looking gentlemen who works at the store.
He asked if he could help me.
Without thinking, I looked at him and said,
'I think I like playing with men's balls'

Comment by Aggie on January 30, 2012 at 9:23pm

My sister and I were at the mall and
passed by a store that sold a variety of candy and nuts.
As we were looking at the display case, the boy behind
the counter asked if we needed any help. I replied, '
No, I'm just looking at your nuts.'
My sister started to laugh hysterically.
The boy grinned, and I turned beet-red and walked away.
To this day, my sister has never let me forget.

Comment by Aggie on January 30, 2012 at 9:22pm

While in line at the bank one afternoon,
my toddler decided to release
some pent-up energy and ran amok.
I was finally able to grab hold of
her after receiving looks of disgust
and annoyance from other patrons.
I told her that if she did not start behaving
'right now' she would be punished.
To my horror, she looked me in the eye and said
in a voice just as threatening,
'If you don't let me go right now,
I will tell Grandma that I saw you
kissing Daddy's pee-pee last night!'
The silence was deafening after this enlightening
exchange. Even the tellers stopped what they were doing.
I mustered up the last of my dignity and walked
out of the bank with my daughter in tow.
The last thing I heard when the door closed behind me, were screams of
laughter.

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