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Sharing The Joy Of All Animals 91 Replies
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Blondes, Aggies, Pollocks, Morons, Little Patsy, Lena and Ole 370 Replies
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Comment by ozzieowl on February 10, 2012 at 3:34pm
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Blonde paint job
A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a handyman-type and started canvassing a wealthy neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do.
"Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?"
The blonde said, "How about 50 dollars?" The man agreed and told her that the paint and ladders that she might need were in the garage. The man's wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband, "Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?"
The man replied, "She should. She was standing on the porch."
A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.
"You're finished already?" he asked. "Yes," the blonde answered, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats. "Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the $50. "And by the way," the blonde added, "that's not a Porch, it's a Ferrari."
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Comment by metub4 on February 10, 2012 at 1:00pm
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WHO REMEMBERS HOLLYWOOD SQUARES?
Following are some questions from it......Q.. Paul, what is a good reason for pounding meat?
A. Paul Lynde: Loneliness!
(The audience laughed so long and so hard it took up almost 15 minutes of the show!)
Q.. Do female frogs croak?
A. Paul Lynde: If you hold their little heads under water long enough.
Q. If you're going to make a parachute jump, at least how high should you be
A. Charley Weaver: Three days of steady drinking should do it..
Q. True or False, a pea can last as long as 5,000 years...
A. George Gobel: Boy, it sure seems that way sometimes.
Q. You've been having trouble going to sleep. Are you probably a man or a woman?
A.. Don Knotts: That's what's been keeping me awake.
Q. According to Cosmopolitan, if you meet a stranger at a party and you think that he is attractive, is it okay to come out and ask him if he's married?
A.. Rose Marie: No wait until morning.
Q. Which of your five senses tends to diminish as you get older?
A. Charley Weaver: My sense of decency..
Q. In Hawaiian, does it take more than three words to say 'I Love You'?
A. Vincent Price: No, you can say it with a pineapple and a twenty..
Q. What are 'Do It,' 'I Can Help,' and 'I Can't Get Enough'?
A. George Gobel: I don't know, but it's coming from the next apartment.
Q. As you grow older, do you tend to gesture more or less with your hands while talking?
A. Rose Marie: You ask me one more growing old question Peter, and I'll give you a gesture you'll never forget.
Q.. Paul, why do Hell's Angels wear leather?
A. Paul Lynde: Because chiffon wrinkles .
Q.. Charley, you've just decided to grow strawberries. Are you going to get any during the first year?
A.. Charley Weaver: Of course not, I'm too busy growing strawberries.
Q. In bowling, what's a perfect score?
A. Rose Marie: Ralph, the pin boy.
Q. It is considered in bad taste to discuss two subjects at nudist camps... One is politics, what is the other?
A. Paul Lynde: Tape measures..
Q. During a tornado, are you safer in the bedroom or in the closet?
A. Rose Marie: Unfortunately Peter, I'm always safe in the bedroom.
Q. Can boys join the Camp Fire Girls?
A.. Marty Allen: Only after lights out.
Q. When you pat a dog on its head he will wag his tail. What will a goose do?
A. Paul Lynde: Make him bark?
Q. If you were pregnant for two years, what would you give birth to?
A. Paul Lynde: Whatever it is, it would never be afraid of the dark..
Q. According to Ann Landers, is there anything wrong with getting into the habit of kissing a lot of people?
A. Charley Weaver: It got me out of the Navy!
Q. It is the most abused and neglected part of your body, what is it?
A. Paul Lynde: Mine may be abused, but it certainly isn't neglected.
Q. Back in the old days, when Great Grandpa put horseradish on his head, what was he trying to do?
A. George Gobel: Get it in his mouth.
Q. Who stays pregnant for a longer period of time, your wife or your elephant?
A. Paul Lynde: Who told you about my elephant?
Q. When a couple have a baby, who is responsible for its sex?
A... Charley Weaver: I'll lend him the car, the rest is up to him
Q. Jackie Gleason recently revealed that he firmly believes in them and has actually seen them on at least two occasions. What are they?
A. Charley Weaver: His feet.
Q. According to Ann Landers, what are two things you should never do in bed?
A. Paul Lynde: Point and laugh
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A friend asked a gentleman how it is that he never married? Replied the gentleman, "Well, I guess I just never met the right woman. I guess that I have been looking for the perfect girl."
"Oh, come on now," said the friend, "Surely you have met at least one girl that you wanted to marry."
"Yes, there was a girl, once. I guess she was the one perfect girl - the only perfect girl I really ever met. She was just the right everything. I really mean that she was the perfect girl for me." replied the gent.
"Well, why didn't you marry her," asked his friend.
The gent replied, "She was looking for the perfect man."
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A ninety-year-old man is sitting on a park bench, sobbing, when a young man walks by and asks him what's wrong. Through his tears the old man answers, "I'm in love with a twenty-five-year-old woman."
"What's wrong with that?" asks the young man.
Between his sobs and sniffles, he answers, "You don't understand. Every morning before she goes to work, we make love. At lunchtime she comes home and we make love again, and then she makes my favorite meal."
The old man continued, "In the afternoon when she gets a break, she rushes home and gives me oral sex, the best an old man could want. And then at suppertime, and all night long, we make love." He breaks down, no longer able to speak.
The young man puts his arm around him. "I don't understand. It sounds like you have the perfect relationship. Why are you crying?"
The senile old man answers, again through his tears, "I forgot where I live."
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So, sooo funny, thankya metub4 and tis great to see you!
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This man was sitting quietly reading his paper one morning, peacefully enjoying himself, when his wife sneaks up behind him and smacks him on the back of his head with a huge frying pan.
He asks, "What was that for?"
She replies, "What was that piece of paper in your pants pocket with the name Marylou written on it?"
He says, "Oh honey, remember two weeks ago when I went to the horse races? Marylou was the name of one of the horse I bet on."
She is appeased and goes off to work around the house.
Three days later he is once again sitting in his chair reading and she repeats the frying pan swatting. He says, "What's that for this time?" She answered, "Your horse called."
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I cannot stay, but here is another one...
WARNINGS -- Not always heeded
The little boy went to the store and asked the clerk for a box of Duz detergent. "What do you need that for?" asked the clerk, and the boy answered, "To wash my dog."
"That's pretty strong stuff for washing a dog," warned the clerk, but the boy insisted that Duz was what he wanted, so the clerk sold it to him, reminding, "Now be careful when you wash your dog. That detergent is strong, and could kill him."
A week later the boy came in the store again and the clerk asked, "How's your dog?" The boy explained that the dog was dead. The clerk said, "I'm sorry, but I tried to warn you that Duz was too strong."
The little boy shook his head and said, "I don't think it was the Duz that did it. I think it was the rinse cycle that got him."
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A man is rushed to the ER after suffering a heart attack. The doctor tells him that he will not survive without a heart transplant right away. Another doctor runs into the room and says, "Good news—two hearts just became available, so you get to choose which one you want. One belongs to an attorney and the other to a social worker."
The patient immediately responds, "The attorney's."
The doctor says, "Hang on. Don't you want to know a little about them before you make your decision?"
The patient says, "I already know enough. We all know that social workers are bleeding hearts and the attorney probably never used his, so I'll take the attorney's heart!"
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Comment by Aggie on February 8, 2012 at 7:57pm
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A blonde heard that taking milk baths would improve her skin tone and appearance, so she left a note for the milkman to bring her 25 gallons of milk on his next visit. Thinking it was a mistake, he rang the bell and when she came to the door, he asked "Ma'am, did you maybe mean 2.5 gallons?" She said "No, I'm going to take a milk bath, so I need 25 gallons, just like the note said." The milkman said "Ok, gotcha... do you want it pasteurized?" The blonde immediately responded: "No, just up to my tits... I can splash it onto my eyes."
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