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Comment by Aggie on March 19, 2012 at 8:52pm

A man was sitting at a bar drinking when a woman came in. As she seated herself he noticed that she was wearing the tightest pants that he'd ever seen. They were form fitting from the waist to the ankle. He was amazed that she could even breathe. After another drink , he got up enough courage to ask her about these pants. He said' Could you tell me how you get into those pants? " She looked him over and replied,"You could start by buying me a drink!"

Comment by Aggie on March 19, 2012 at 8:50pm

An elderly couple were having dinner one evening when the husband reached
across the table, took his wife's hand in his and said, "Martha, soon we
will be married 50 years, and there's something I have to know. In all of
these 50 years, have you ever been unfaithful to me?"

Martha replied, "Well Henry, I have to be honest with you.. Yes, I've been
unfaithful to you three times during these 50 years, but always for a good
reason.

Henry was obviously hurt by his wife's confession, but said, "I never
suspected. Can you tell me what you mean by 'good reasons?'"

Martha said, "The first time was shortly after we were married, and we were
about to lose our little house because we couldn't pay the mortgage. Do
you remember that one evening I went to see the banker and the next day he
notified you that the loan would be extended?"

Henry recalled the visit to the banker and said, "I can forgive you for
that.. You saved our home, but what about the second time?"

Martha asked, "And do you remember when you were so sick, but we didn’t
have the money to pay for the heart surgery you needed? Well, I went to
see your doctor one night and, if you recall, he did the surgery at no
charge."

"I recall that," said Henry. "And you did it to save my life, so of course
I can forgive you for that. Now tell me about the third time."

"All right," Martha said. "So do you remember when you ran for president
of your golf club, and you needed 73 more votes?

Comment by ozzieowl on March 7, 2012 at 5:43am

Goodonya metub4.....lol!

.....`you left your injun running'...lmaooooo

Comment by metub4 on March 7, 2012 at 5:02am

The Lone Ranger and Tonto walked into a bar one day and sat down to drink a beer.

After a few minutes, a big tall cowboy walked in and said,
"Who owns the big white horse outside?"
The Lone Ranger stood up, hitched his gunbelt, and said, "I do. Why?"

The cowboy looked at the Lone Ranger and said, "I just thought you would like to know that your horse is just about dead outside!"

The Lone Ranger and Tonto rushed outside and, sure enough, Silver was about dead from heat exhaustion. The Lone Ranger got him some water and soon Silver was starting to feel a little better.

The Lone Ranger turned to Tonto and said, "Tonto, I want you to run around Silver and see if you can create enough of a breeze to make him start to feel better."

Tonto said, "Sure Kemosabe", and took off running circles around Silver. Not able to do anything else but wait, the Lone Ranger returned to the bar to finish his drink.

A few minutes later, another cowboy struts into the bar and announces,
"Who owns that big white horse outside?"

The Lone Ranger stands again and claims, "I do. What is wrong with him this time?"

The cowboy says to him, "Nothing much, I just wanted you to know -
you left your Injun running..."

Comment by ozzieowl on March 7, 2012 at 1:39am

"Kemo Sabe,"    -   luv it !!!!!!    LOL!

Comment by Aggie on March 6, 2012 at 11:16pm

Coffee Hurts I was eating lunch on the 20th of February with my 6-year-old granddaughter and I asked her, "What day is tomorrow?" She said "It's President's Day!" She is a smart kid. So, I asked "What does President's Day mean?" I was waiting for something about Washington or Lincoln etc. She replied, "President's Day is when President Obama steps out of the White House, and if he sees his shadow we have one more year of unemployment." You know, it hurts when hot coffee spurts out your nose..(stolen from a friend)

Comment by Aggie on March 6, 2012 at 11:11pm

The Lone Ranger and Tonto were camping in the wilderness. After they got their tent set up, both men fell sound asleep. Some hours later, Tonto wakes the Lone Ranger and says,"'Kemo Sabe, look towards sky, what you see?"
The Lone Ranger replies, "I see millions of stars."
"What that tell you?" asked Tonto.

The Lone Ranger ponders for aminute then says, "Astronomically-speaking, it tells me ther...e are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo. Time-wise, it appears to be approximately a quarter past three in the morning. Theologically,the Lord is all-powerful and we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you,Tonto?"

"You dumber than buffalo... It mean someone stole tent."

Comment by ozzieowl on March 4, 2012 at 6:54pm

Comment by Aggie on March 1, 2012 at 6:21pm

A fellow is scheduled for surgery and had requested his son, who is a surgeon, do the operation. Before they put him under he says to his son, "if anything goes wrong, your mother will probably come live with you. Just saying."

Comment by ozzieowl on February 29, 2012 at 7:58pm

HI-TECHNOLOGY Tech support: What kind of computer do you have? Customer: A white one.... Tech support: Click on the 'my computer' icon on to the left of the screen. Customer: Your left or my left? **************************** Customer: Hi, good afternoon, this is Martha, I can't print. Every time I try, it says 'Can't find printer'.. I've even lifted the printer and placed it in front of the monitor, but the computer still says he can't find it.. **************************** Tech support: What's on your monitor now, ma'am? Customer: A teddy bear my boyfriend bought for me at the 7-11. **************************** Customer: My keyboard is not working anymore. Tech support: Are you sure it's plugged into the computer? Customer: No. I can't get behind the computer. Tech support: Pick up your keyboard and walk 10 paces back. Customer: ! OK Tech support: Did the keyboard come with you? Customer: Yes Tech support: That means the keyboard is not plugged in. **************************** Customer: I can't get on the Internet. Tech support: Are you sure you used the right password? Customer: Yes, I'm sure I saw my colleague do it. Tech support: Can you tell me what the password was? Customer: Five dots. **************************** Tech support: What anti-virus program do you use? Customer: Netscape. Tech support: That's not an anti-virus program. Customer: Oh, sorry... Internet Explorer.. **************************** Customer: I have a huge problem. A friend has placed a screen saver on my computer, but every time I move the mouse, it disappears. **************************** Tech support: How may I help you? Customer: I'm writing my first email. Tech support: OK, and what seems to be the problem? Customer: Well, I have the letter 'a' in the address, but how do I get the little circle around it? **************************** This one and the next are our personal favorites! A woman customer called the Canon help desk with a problem with her printer.. Tech support: Are you running it under windows? Customer: 'No, my desk is next to the door, but that is a good point. The man sitting in the cubicle next to me is under a window, and his printer is working fine.' **************************** And last but not least! Tech support: 'Okay Bob, let's press the control and escape keys at the same time. That brings up a task list in the middle of the screen. Now type the letter 'P' to bring up the Program Manager.' Customer: I don't have to P. Tech support: On your keyboard, Bob. Customer: What do you mean? Tech support: 'P'.....on your keyboard, Bob. Customer: I'M NOT GOING TO DO THAT!

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