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Comment by ozzieowl on March 28, 2012 at 6:56am

You prob seen this one b4, but here goes....

RED SKELTON'S RECIPE FOR THE PERFECT MARRIAGE


1. Two times a week we go to a nice restaurant, have a
little beverage, good food and companionship.
She goes on Tuesdays, I go on Fridays.
2. We also sleep in separate beds.Hers is in California , and mine is in Texas ...
3. I take my wife everywhere,But she keeps finding her way back.
4. I asked my wife where she wanted to go for our anniversary."Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!" she said.So I suggested the kitchen.
5. We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.

6. She has an electric blender, electric
toaster and electric bread maker.
She said "There are too many gadgets, and no place
to sit down!" So I bought her an electric chair.

7. My wife told me the car wasn't running well
because there was water in the carburetor.
I asked where the car was. She told me, "In the lake."

8. She got a mud pack and looked great for two days.
Then the mud fell off.

9. She ran after the garbage truck, yelling, "Am I too late
for the garbage?" The driver said, "No, jump in!".

10. Remember: Marriage is the number one cause of divorce.

11. I married Miss Right.. I just didn't know her
first name was 'Always'.

12. I haven't spoken to my wife in 18 months.
I don't like to interrupt her.

13. The last fight was my fault though.
My wife asked, "What's on the TV?"
I said, "Dust!".

Comment by ozzieowl on March 28, 2012 at 6:55am

Thanks guys - I always know I'm in for a crack-up when I get here...LOL!

Comment by Aggie on March 27, 2012 at 10:23am

Eggs
One day there was a guy who was driving to a nearby town. He was in a hurry, so he took a back road to get there faster, when all of a sudden his car broke down. A nearby farmer saw him stranded so he invited him to stay the night. He said, "The only bed I have that you can sleep in is with my daughter, but if I catch you fooling around with her I'll shoot you". "To make sure that you don't I'm going to put some eggs between both of you and if they are broken in the morning then you are going to die".

So the guy agreed. In the middle of the night the girl wanted to get it on so they did. In the middle of the skirmish they broke all of the eggs. The guy didn't want to get shot so he cleaned up the mess and glued the egg shells back together.

In the morning the farmer came into his daughter's room and found that all of the eggs were still intact. The farmer was so happy that he invited the guy to have breakfast with him. So he gathered up all of the eggs and took them to the kitchen. He cracked the first one open and nothing was inside it. He cracked the second one and still nothing and so on.

When he found out that all of them had nothing in them he grabbed his shotgun and ran outside. He opened the chicken shed door and yelled out "ALLRIGHT, WHICH ONE OF YOU ROOSTERS HAS BEEN USING CONDOMS?!?"

Comment by Aggie on March 27, 2012 at 10:13am

Isaac falls asleep on a beach for several hours and gets sunburned. His legs are the worst and they are already starting to blister. In agony, Isaac goes to the local hospital and is immediately admitted after being diagnosed with second-degree burns.

Dr. Cohen tells the nurse, "This man needs continuous intravenous feeding with saline and electrolytes, a sedative, and a Viagra pill every four hours."

The nurse is astonished by this and says, "Dr. Cohen, what good will Viagra do him?"

"It'll keep the sheets off his legs," replies Dr. Cohen.

Comment by Aggie on March 27, 2012 at 9:54am

Comment by metub4 on March 21, 2012 at 5:37am

One day the Lone Ranger and his companion Tonto were walking through the desert when Tonto suddenly stopped, bent down to the ground and said, - "Buffalo Come!"

And the Lone Ranger said, "How do you know Tonto?"

Tonto replied, - "Ear stuck to ground..."

Comment by ozzieowl on March 21, 2012 at 1:12am

LOL  -  geesh, I can identify with that right NOW.....

Comment by Aggie on March 20, 2012 at 6:55pm

Two elderly ladies had been friends for many decades.
Over the years, they had shared all kinds of activities and
adventures. Lately, their activities had be en limited to meeting
a few times a week to play cards. One day, they were playing
cards when one looked at the other and said, "Now don't get
mad at me ... I know we've been friends for a long time, but
I just can't think of your name! I've thought and thought, but I
can't remember it. Please tell me what your name is." Her friend
glared at her. For at least three minutes she just stared and
glared at her. Finally she said, "How soon do you need to know?"

Comment by Aggie on March 20, 2012 at 6:51pm

After shopping for most of the day, a couple returns to find their car has been stolen. They go to the police station to make a full report. Then, a detective drives them back to the parking lot to see if any evidence can be found at the scene of the crime. To their amazement, the car has been returned.

There is an envelope on the windshield with a note of apology and two tickets to a music concert. The note reads, "I apologize for taking your car, but my wife was having a baby and I had to hot-wire your ignition to rush her to the hospital. Please forgive the inconvenience. Here are two tickets for tonight's concert of Garth Brooks, the country-and-western music star."

Their faith in humanity restored, the couple attend the concert and return home late. They find their house has been robbed. Valuable goods have been taken from though out the house, from basement to attic. And, there is a note on the door reading, "Well, you still have your car. I have to put my newly born kid through college somehow, don't I?"

Comment by ozzieowl on March 20, 2012 at 2:10am

Lol, lol, thanks Aggie.

A pirate walks into a bar.
The bartender said,"Hey, I haven't seen you in a while. What happened? You look terrible."
"What do you mean?" said the pirate,"I feel fine."
"What about the wooden leg? You didn't have that before."
"Well," said the pirate, "We were in a battle, and I got hit with a cannon ball, but I'm fine now."
The bartender replied, "Well, OK, but what about that hook? What happened to your hand?"
The pirate explained, "We were in another battle. I boarded a ship and got into a sword fight.
My hand was cut off. I got fitted with a hook but I'm fine, really."
"What about that eye patch?"
"Oh," said the pirate, "One day we were at sea, and a flock of birds flew over. I looked up, and one of them shit in my eye."
"You're kidding," said the bartender. "You couldn't lose an eye just from bird shit."
"It was my first day with the hook."

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