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Comment by Aggie on March 20, 2012 at 6:55pm

Two elderly ladies had been friends for many decades.
Over the years, they had shared all kinds of activities and
adventures. Lately, their activities had be en limited to meeting
a few times a week to play cards. One day, they were playing
cards when one looked at the other and said, "Now don't get
mad at me ... I know we've been friends for a long time, but
I just can't think of your name! I've thought and thought, but I
can't remember it. Please tell me what your name is." Her friend
glared at her. For at least three minutes she just stared and
glared at her. Finally she said, "How soon do you need to know?"

Comment by Aggie on March 20, 2012 at 6:51pm

After shopping for most of the day, a couple returns to find their car has been stolen. They go to the police station to make a full report. Then, a detective drives them back to the parking lot to see if any evidence can be found at the scene of the crime. To their amazement, the car has been returned.

There is an envelope on the windshield with a note of apology and two tickets to a music concert. The note reads, "I apologize for taking your car, but my wife was having a baby and I had to hot-wire your ignition to rush her to the hospital. Please forgive the inconvenience. Here are two tickets for tonight's concert of Garth Brooks, the country-and-western music star."

Their faith in humanity restored, the couple attend the concert and return home late. They find their house has been robbed. Valuable goods have been taken from though out the house, from basement to attic. And, there is a note on the door reading, "Well, you still have your car. I have to put my newly born kid through college somehow, don't I?"

Comment by ozzieowl on March 20, 2012 at 2:10am

Lol, lol, thanks Aggie.

A pirate walks into a bar.
The bartender said,"Hey, I haven't seen you in a while. What happened? You look terrible."
"What do you mean?" said the pirate,"I feel fine."
"What about the wooden leg? You didn't have that before."
"Well," said the pirate, "We were in a battle, and I got hit with a cannon ball, but I'm fine now."
The bartender replied, "Well, OK, but what about that hook? What happened to your hand?"
The pirate explained, "We were in another battle. I boarded a ship and got into a sword fight.
My hand was cut off. I got fitted with a hook but I'm fine, really."
"What about that eye patch?"
"Oh," said the pirate, "One day we were at sea, and a flock of birds flew over. I looked up, and one of them shit in my eye."
"You're kidding," said the bartender. "You couldn't lose an eye just from bird shit."
"It was my first day with the hook."

Comment by Aggie on March 19, 2012 at 8:52pm

A man was sitting at a bar drinking when a woman came in. As she seated herself he noticed that she was wearing the tightest pants that he'd ever seen. They were form fitting from the waist to the ankle. He was amazed that she could even breathe. After another drink , he got up enough courage to ask her about these pants. He said' Could you tell me how you get into those pants? " She looked him over and replied,"You could start by buying me a drink!"

Comment by Aggie on March 19, 2012 at 8:50pm

An elderly couple were having dinner one evening when the husband reached
across the table, took his wife's hand in his and said, "Martha, soon we
will be married 50 years, and there's something I have to know. In all of
these 50 years, have you ever been unfaithful to me?"

Martha replied, "Well Henry, I have to be honest with you.. Yes, I've been
unfaithful to you three times during these 50 years, but always for a good
reason.

Henry was obviously hurt by his wife's confession, but said, "I never
suspected. Can you tell me what you mean by 'good reasons?'"

Martha said, "The first time was shortly after we were married, and we were
about to lose our little house because we couldn't pay the mortgage. Do
you remember that one evening I went to see the banker and the next day he
notified you that the loan would be extended?"

Henry recalled the visit to the banker and said, "I can forgive you for
that.. You saved our home, but what about the second time?"

Martha asked, "And do you remember when you were so sick, but we didn’t
have the money to pay for the heart surgery you needed? Well, I went to
see your doctor one night and, if you recall, he did the surgery at no
charge."

"I recall that," said Henry. "And you did it to save my life, so of course
I can forgive you for that. Now tell me about the third time."

"All right," Martha said. "So do you remember when you ran for president
of your golf club, and you needed 73 more votes?

Comment by ozzieowl on March 7, 2012 at 5:43am

Goodonya metub4.....lol!

.....`you left your injun running'...lmaooooo

Comment by metub4 on March 7, 2012 at 5:02am

The Lone Ranger and Tonto walked into a bar one day and sat down to drink a beer.

After a few minutes, a big tall cowboy walked in and said,
"Who owns the big white horse outside?"
The Lone Ranger stood up, hitched his gunbelt, and said, "I do. Why?"

The cowboy looked at the Lone Ranger and said, "I just thought you would like to know that your horse is just about dead outside!"

The Lone Ranger and Tonto rushed outside and, sure enough, Silver was about dead from heat exhaustion. The Lone Ranger got him some water and soon Silver was starting to feel a little better.

The Lone Ranger turned to Tonto and said, "Tonto, I want you to run around Silver and see if you can create enough of a breeze to make him start to feel better."

Tonto said, "Sure Kemosabe", and took off running circles around Silver. Not able to do anything else but wait, the Lone Ranger returned to the bar to finish his drink.

A few minutes later, another cowboy struts into the bar and announces,
"Who owns that big white horse outside?"

The Lone Ranger stands again and claims, "I do. What is wrong with him this time?"

The cowboy says to him, "Nothing much, I just wanted you to know -
you left your Injun running..."

Comment by ozzieowl on March 7, 2012 at 1:39am

"Kemo Sabe,"    -   luv it !!!!!!    LOL!

Comment by Aggie on March 6, 2012 at 11:16pm

Coffee Hurts I was eating lunch on the 20th of February with my 6-year-old granddaughter and I asked her, "What day is tomorrow?" She said "It's President's Day!" She is a smart kid. So, I asked "What does President's Day mean?" I was waiting for something about Washington or Lincoln etc. She replied, "President's Day is when President Obama steps out of the White House, and if he sees his shadow we have one more year of unemployment." You know, it hurts when hot coffee spurts out your nose..(stolen from a friend)

Comment by Aggie on March 6, 2012 at 11:11pm

The Lone Ranger and Tonto were camping in the wilderness. After they got their tent set up, both men fell sound asleep. Some hours later, Tonto wakes the Lone Ranger and says,"'Kemo Sabe, look towards sky, what you see?"
The Lone Ranger replies, "I see millions of stars."
"What that tell you?" asked Tonto.

The Lone Ranger ponders for aminute then says, "Astronomically-speaking, it tells me ther...e are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo. Time-wise, it appears to be approximately a quarter past three in the morning. Theologically,the Lord is all-powerful and we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you,Tonto?"

"You dumber than buffalo... It mean someone stole tent."

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