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Comment by Aggie on April 17, 2012 at 9:05pm

A little old guy is walking around in a supermarket calling out, Crisco,Crissssssscoooo!'

Soon an assistant manager approaches and says, 'Sir, the Crisco is in aisle 3.'

The old guy replies, 'Oh, I'm not looking for the cooking stuff. I'm calling my wife. She's in here somewhere'

The clerk is astonished.

'Your wife's name is Crisco?'

The old guy answers, 'Oh no, no, no. I only call her that when we're out in public'

'I see,' said the clerk.

'What do you call her at home?'

'Lard ass.

Comment by Aggie on April 12, 2012 at 7:14pm

THREE NUNS WERE ATTENDING A YANKEE BASEBALL GAME.

THREE MEN WERE SITTING DIRECTLY BEHIND THEM.
BECAUSE THEIR HABITS WERE PARTIALLY BLOCKING THE VIEW,
THE MEN DECIDED TO BADGER THE NUNS,
HOPING THEY'D GET ANNOYED ENOUGH TO MOVE TO ANOTHER AREA.

IN A VERY LOUD VOICE, THE FIRST GUY SAID,
"I THINK I'M GOING TO MOVE TO UTAH ..
THERE ARE ONLY 100 NUNS LIVING THERE."

THEN THE SECOND GUY SPOKE UP AND SAID LOUDLY,
"I WANT TO MOVE TO MONTANA ..
THERE ARE ONLY 5O NUNS LIVING THERE."

THE THIRD GUY YELLED,
"I WANT TO GO TO IDAHO .
THERE ARE ONLY 25 NUNS LIVING THERE."

THE MOTHER SUPERIOR TURNED AROUND,
LOOKED AT THE MEN,
AND IN A VERY SWEET AND CALM VOICE SAID,

"WHY DON'T YOU GO TO HELL....THERE AREN'T ANY NUNS THERE

Comment by Aggie on April 4, 2012 at 8:55pm

The madam opened the brothel door in San Antonio and saw a rather dignified, well-dressed, good-looking man in his late forties or early fifties.

'May I help you sir?' she asked.

'I want to see Valerie,' the man replied.

'Sir, Valerie is one of our most expensive ladies. Perhaps you would prefer someone else', said the madam.

'No, I must see Valerie,' he replied.

Just then, Valerie appeared and announced to the man she charged $5000 a visit. Without hesitation, the man pulled out five thousand dollars and gave it to Valerie, and they went upstairs. After an hour, the man calmly left.

The next night, the man appeared again, once more demanding to see Valerie. Valerie explained that no one had ever come back two nights in a row as she was too expensive. But there were no discounts. The price was still $5000.

Again, the man pulled out the money, gave it to Valerie, and they went upstairs. After an hour, he left.

The following night the man was there yet again. Everyone was astounded that he had come for a third consecutive night, but he paid Valerie and they went upstairs.

After their session, Valerie said to the man, 'No one has ever been with me three nights in a row. Where are you from?'

The man replied, ' Corpus Christi '.

'Really', she said. 'I have family in Corpus.'

'I know.' the man said. 'Your sister died, and I am her attorney. She asked me to give you your $15,000 inheritance.'

The moral of the story is that 3 things in life are certain.

1. Death

2. Taxes

3. Being screwed by a lawyer

Comment by Aggie on April 4, 2012 at 8:28pm

While suturing a cut on the hand of a 75 year old rancher, who's hand was caught in the gate while working cattle, the doctor struck up a conversation with the old man. Eventually the topic got around to Obama being elected by a mass of media led, brainless liberals to be our president.

The old rancher said, "Well, ya know, Obama is a 'Post Turtle'".
Not being familiar with the term, the doctor asked him what a 'post turtle' was. The old rancher said, "When you're driving down a country road on you come across a fence post with a turtle balanced on top, that's a 'post turtle".

The old rancher saw the puzzled look on the doctor's face so he continued to explain. "You know he didn't get up there by himself, he doesn't belong up there, and he doesn't know what to do while he's up there, and you just wonder what kind of dumb ass put him up there to begin with".

Comment by Aggie on April 4, 2012 at 4:22pm

A guy was getting ready to tee off on the first hole when a second golfer approached and asked if he could join him. The first said that he usually played alone, but agreed to the twosome.

They were even after the first few holes. The second guy said, "We're about evenly matched, how about playing for five bucks a hole?" The first guy said that he wasn't much for betting, but agreed to the > terms.

The second guy won the remaining sixteen holes with ease.

As they were walking off number eighteen, the second guy was busy counting his $80.00. He confessed that he was the pro at a neighboring course and liked to pick on suckers. The first fellow revealed that he was the Parish Priest.

The pro was flustered and apologetic, offering to return the money. The Priest said, "You won fair and square and I was foolish to bet with you. You keep your winnings."

The pro said, "Is there anything I can do to make it up to you?"

The Priest said, "Well, you could come to Mass on Sunday and make a donation. And, if you want to bring your mother and father along, I'll marry them.

Comment by Aggie on April 3, 2012 at 9:47pm

There were two old boys from Alabama who love to fish, and they wanted
to do some ice fishing.

They'd heard about it up in Canada, and they took off up there. The lake was frozen nicely. They stopped just before they got to the lake at a little bait shop and got all their tackle. One of them said, "We're going to need an ice pick."

So they got that, and they took off. In about two hours, one of them was back at the shop and said, "We're going to need another dozen ice picks."

Well, the fellow in the shop wanted to ask some questions, but he didn't. He sold him the picks, and the old boy left.

In about an hour, he was back. "We're going to need all the ice picks you've got."

The bait man couldn't stand it any longer. "By the way," he asked, "how
are you fellows doing?"

"Not very well at all," he said. "We don't even have the boat in the water yet."

Comment by Aggie on April 3, 2012 at 9:06pm

An old man goes to answer a knock at the door one evening.... to find two sheriff deputy's standing there."Sir, are you married?" One deputy asked."Why yes," the old man replied "for 48 years."Do you have a photograph of your wife sir?" the second deputy questioned.The old man pulled a picture out his wallet and handed to the officers. They looked it over and handed it back to him."Sir, I'm sorry but it looks like your wife has been hit by a truck."The old man says, "I know sir, but she's got a wonderful personality and she's a great cook."

Comment by ozzieowl on March 31, 2012 at 4:20pm

Comment by ozzieowl on March 30, 2012 at 3:49pm

Cahoots

I have been in many places, but I've never been in Cahoots. Apparently, you can't go alone. You have to be in Cahoots with someone.

I've also never been in Cognito. I hear no one recognizes you there.

I have, however, been in Sane. They don't have an airport; you have to be driven there. I have made several trips there, thanks to my friends, family and work.

I would like to go to Conclusions, but you have to jump, and I'm not too much on physical activity anymore.

I have also been in Doubt. That is a sad place to go, and I try not to visit there too often.

I've been in Flexible, but only when it was very important to stand firm.

Sometimes I'm in Capable, and I go there more often as I'm getting older.

One of my favorite places to be is in Suspense! It really gets the adrenalin flowing and pumps up the old heart! At my age I need all the stimuli I can get!

I may have been in Continent, and I don't remember what country I was in. It's an age thing.

Please do your part!
Today is one of the many National Mental Health
Days throughout the year. You can do your bit by remembering to send an e-mail to at least one unstable person. My job is done!
From one unstable person to another... I hope everyone is happy in your head - we're all doing pretty good in mine!

The best vitamin for making friends...... B1.-----

Comment by Aggie on March 28, 2012 at 9:35pm

A 6 year old and a 4 year old are upstairs in their bedroom.
The 6 year old asks,
"You know what? I think it's about time we started cussing."

The 4 year old nods his head in approval. The 6 year old continues,
"When we go downstairs for breakfast, I'm gonna say something
with "hell" and you say something with "ass".

The 4 year old agrees with enthusiasm.

When the mother walks into the kitchen and asks the 6 year old
what he wants for breakfast, he replies,

"Aw, hell, Mom, I guess I'll have some Cheerios".

WHACK! He flies out of his chair, tumbles across the kitchen floor, gets up,
and runs upstairs crying his eyes out, with his mother in hot pursuit,
slapping his rear with every step. His mom shut him in his
room and shouts,
"You can stay there until I let you out!"

She then comes back downstairs, looks at the 4 year old and asks
with a stern voice,
"And what do YOU want for breakfast, young man?"

"I don't know," he blubbers, "but you can bet your fat ass
it won't be Cheerios!"

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