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Comment by metub4 on May 2, 2012 at 10:34am

What if we all started life backwards?

You`d start out dead and get it out of the way.
Then, wake up in an old age home feeling better every day.
You get kicked out for being too healthy; go collect your pension,
Then when you start work, you get a gold watch on your first day.
You work 40 years until you`re young enough to enjoy your retirement.
You drink alcohol, you party, you`re generally promiscuous
You get ready for High School.
You go to primary school, you become a kid, you play,
You have no responsibilities, you become a baby, and then...
You spend your last 9 months floating peacefully in luxury, in spa-like conditions; central heating, room service on tap, and then, you finish off as an orgasm.

Comment by Aggie on May 2, 2012 at 2:07am

A woman calls her boss one morning and tells him that she is staying home because she is not feeling well.

What's the matter?" he asks.

"I have a case of anal glaucoma," she says in a weak voice.

He says,"What the hell is anal glaucoma?"

She replies,"I can't see my ass coming into work today."

Comment by Aggie on April 26, 2012 at 6:41pm

A kindergarten class had a homework assignment to find out about something exciting and relate it to the class the next day. When the time came to present what they'd found, the first little boy walked up to the front of the class made a small white dot on the blackboard and sat back down. Puzzled, the teacher asked him just what it was.

"It's a period,'' said the little boy.

"Well, I can see that,'' she said, ''but what is so exciting about a period?''

''Damned if I know,'' said the little boy, ''but this morning my sister was missing one, Daddy had a heart attack, Mommy fainted, and the man next door shot himself."

Comment by Aggie on April 25, 2012 at 12:26am

A Minnesota farmer named Olie had a car accident. He was hit by a truck owned by the Eversweet Company.

In court, the Eversweet Company's hot-shot attorney questioned him thus:

'Didn't you say to the state trooper at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine?"
Olie responded: 'vell, I'lla tell you vat happened dere. I'd yust
loaded my fav'rit cow, Bessie, into da... '

'I didn't ask for any details', the lawyer interrupted. 'Just answer the question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine!'?'

Olie said, 'vell, I'd yust got Bessie into da trailer and I vas drivin' down da road.... '

The lawyer interrupted again and said, 'Your Honor, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the police on the scene that he was fine. Now several weeks after the accident, he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question. '

By this time, the Judge was fairly interested in Olie’s answer and said to the attorney: 'I'd like to hear what he has to say about his favorite cow, Bessie'.

Olie said: 'Tank you' and proceeded. 'vell as I vas saying, I had yust loaded Bessie, my fav'rit cow, into de trailer and was drivin' her down de road vin dis huge Eversweet truck and trailer came tundering tru a stop sign and hit me trailer right in da side by golly. I was trown into one ditch and Bessie was trown into da udder ditch.

By yimminy yahosaphat I vas hurt, purty durn bad, and didn't want to move. An even vurse dan dat,, I could hear old Bessie a moanin' and a groanin'. I knew she vas in terrible pain yust by her groans.

Shortly after da accident, a policeman on a motorbike turned up. He could hear Bessie a moanin' and a groanin' too, so he vent over to her. After he looked at her, and saw her condition, he took out his gun and shot her right between the eyes.

Den da policeman came across de road, gun still in hand, looked at me, and said, 'How are you feelin'?'

'Now wot da fock vud you say?'

Comment by Aggie on April 23, 2012 at 6:34pm

We were dressed and ready to go out for the New Year's Eve Party. We turned
on a night light, turned the answering machine on, covered our pet parakeet
and put the cat in the backyard.

We phoned the local cab company and requested a taxi. The taxi arrived and
we opened the front door to leave the house. As we walked out the door, the
cat we had put out in the yard, scooted back into the house. We didn't want
the cat shut in the house because she always tries to eat the bird. My wife
went on out to the taxi, while I went back inside to get the cat. The cat
ran upstairs, with me in hot pursuit.

Waiting in the cab, my wife didn't want the driver to know that the house
would be empty for the night, so she explained to the taxi driver
that I would be out soon, saying 'He's just going upstairs to say Goodbye to
my mother.'

A few minutes later, I got into the cab. 'Sorry I took so long,' I said, as
we drove away.. 'That stupid bitch was hiding under the bed. I had to poke
her ass with a coat hanger to get her to come out! She tried to take off, so
I grabbed her by the neck. Then, I had to wrap her in a blanket to keep her
from scratching me. But it worked! I hauled her fat ass downstairs and threw
her out into the back yard! She'd better not shit in the vegetable garden
again!'

The silence in the cab was deafening.

Comment by Aggie on April 23, 2012 at 5:17am

I was in a pub on Saturday night. Had a few....
I noticed two large women by the bar.
They both had strong accents so I asked, "Hey, are
you two ladies from Scotland ?"
One of them chirped: "It's WALES you friggin' idiot!"
So, I immediately apologized and said..., "Sorry, are
you two whales from Scotland ?"
That's the last thing I remember...

Comment by Aggie on April 23, 2012 at 5:08am

A busload of politicians were driving down a country road when the bus suddenly ran off the road and crashed into an old farmer's field.

The old farmer heard the tragic crash so he rushed over to investigate. He then began digging a large grave to bury the politicians.

A few hours later, the local sheriff was driving past the farmer's field and noticed the bus wreck. He approached the old farmer and asked where all the politicians had gone. The old farmer explained that he'd gone ahead and buried all of them. "Were they ALL dead?" asked the puzzled sheriff. "Well, some of them said they weren't," said the old farmer, "but you know how them politicians lie."

Comment by ozzieowl on April 21, 2012 at 8:47pm

A couple are lying in bed and the wife says too her husband " If i died, would you remarry?" " I probably would " says the man. "And would you stay in the house?" asks the wife. "Well, I suppose that makes sense" says the husband. "And would you sleep in the same bed?" she asks. " Well that would be the logical conclusion, yes" says the husband. "And would you give her my golf clubs? she asks,  " No" said the husband, "shes left handed

Comment by ozzieowl on April 21, 2012 at 8:42pm

LOL, lol.....tnku

Comment by metub4 on April 20, 2012 at 2:00pm

One day this big, nasty, sweaty woman wearing a raggedy sleeveless sundress
walks into a bar.

She raises her right arm, revealing a big hairy armpit as she points to all
the people sitting at the bar and asks, 'What man Out there will buy a lady a
drink?'

The whole bar goes dead silent as the patrons try to ignore her.

At the end of the bar, a skinny little piss head slams his hand on the bar and
says, 'Barman, I want to buy that ballerina a Drink.'

The barman pours the drink and the woman chugs it down.

After she's completed the drink, she turns again to the throng and points
around at all of them, again revealing the hairy Armpit, saying,

'What man out there will buy a lady a drink?'

Once again, the little drunk slaps his hand down on the bar and slurs to the
barman, 'Sir, I would like to buy the ballerina another drink.'

After serving the lady her second drink, the barman approaches the little
drunkard and says, 'It's your business if you want to buy the lady a drink, but
why do you keep calling her a ballerina?'

To which, the drunken replies, 'Sir, in my eyes, any woman who can lift her
leg up that high has got to be a ballerina.

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