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Comment by ozzieowl on November 21, 2012 at 6:03pm

Here's a little sumthin' I found.....

DESPERATE PARENTS

An old man in Phoenix calls his son in New York and says, "I hate to ruin your day, but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing; forty-five years of misery is enough." "Pop, what are you talking about," the son screams. "We can't stand the sight of each other any longer," the old man said. "We're sick and tired of each other, and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Chicago and tell her." And he hangs up.

Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone, "Like heck they're getting a divorce," she shouts. "I'll take care of this." She calls Phoenix immediately, and screams at the old man, "You are NOT getting divorced! Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm calling my brother back and we'll both be there tomorrow. Until then don't do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?" And she hangs up.

The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife. "Okay," he says, "They're coming for Thanksgiving and paying their own way!!"

Comment by ozzieowl on November 21, 2012 at 5:59pm

Hi guys, sounds like the guys got hood-winked AGAIN - lol!

Comment by metub4 on November 21, 2012 at 5:25pm

I thought this sounded good! Here is a turkey recipe that also includes
the use of popcorn as a stuffing ingredient -- imagine that. When I found
this recipe, I thought it was perfect for people like me, who just are not
sure how to tell when turkey is thoroughly cooked, but not dried out. Give
this a try.



8 - 15 lb. turkey
1 cup melted butter
1 cup stuffing (Pepperidge Farm is Good)
1 cup un-popped popcorn (ORVILLE REDENBACHER'S LOW FAT IS BEST)
Salt/pepper to taste

Preheat oven to 350 degrees. Brush turkey well with melted butter, salt,
and pepper.

Fill cavity with stuffing and popcorn. Place in baking pan making sure the
neck end is toward the front of the oven, not the back.

After about 4 hours listen for the popping sounds.

When the turkey's rear blows the oven door open and the bird flies across
the room,.... it's done.

Comment by Aggie on November 21, 2012 at 4:58pm

Comment by Aggie on October 31, 2012 at 7:09pm

A cabbie picks up a nun. She gets into the cab, and notices that the very handsome cab driver won’t stop staring at her.She asks him why he is staring.
He replies: “I have a question to ask you but I don’t want to offend you.”

She answers, ” My son, you cannot offend me. When you’re as old as I am and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I’m sure there’s nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive.”

“Well, I’ve always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me.”

She responds, “Well, let’s see what we can do about that: 1) You have to be single, and, 2) you must be Catholic.”

The cab driver is very excited and says, “Yes, I’m single and Catholic!”

“OK” the nun says. “Pull into the next alley.”

The nun fulfills his fantasy with a kiss that would make a hooker blush.

But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying.

“My dear child,” said the nun, why are you crying?”

“Forgive me but I’ve sinned. I lied and I must confess, I’m married and I’m Jewish.”

The nun says, “That’s OK. My name is Kevin and I’m going to a Halloween party.”

Comment by Aggie on October 31, 2012 at 10:50am

Comment by Aggie on October 24, 2012 at 8:27pm

Legs On a Train
In a train compartment, there are 3 men and a beautiful young girl. The four passengers join in conversation, which very soon turns erotic. Then, the young girl proposes, “If each of you will give me £1.00, I will show you my legs.”

The men, charmed by this young girl, all pull £1 out of their wallet. And then the girl pulls up her dress a bit to show her legs. Then she says, “If each of you gentlemen will give me £10.00, I’ll show you my thighs,”.

And men being what they are, they all pull out a ten pound note. The girl pulls up her dress all the way to her legs in full. Conversation continues, and the men, a bit excited, have all taken off their coats. Then the young girl says, “If you will give me £100, I will show you where I was operated on for appendicitis.”

All three fork over the money. The girl then turned to the window and points outside at a building they’re passing. “See there in the distance. That’s the hospital where I had it done!”

Comment by Aggie on October 17, 2012 at 7:36pm

Two women were playing golf. One teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole. The ball hit one of the men. He immediately clasped his hands together at his groin, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony.

The woman rushed down to the man, and immediately went to apologize. 'Please allow me to help. I'm a Physical Therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd allow me, she told him.

'Oh, no, I'll be all right. I'll be fine in a few minutes,' the man replied. He was in obvious agony, lying in the fetal position, still clasping his hands there at his groin. At her persistence, however, he finally allowed her to help.

She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, loosened his pants and put her hands inside. She administered tender and artful massage for several long moments and asked, 'How does that feel'?

He replied: 'It feels great, but I still think my thumb's broken.

Comment by Aggie on October 16, 2012 at 7:10pm

Two young lovers go up to the mountains for a romantic winter vacation. After bringing in all the luggage, the guy says, "Honey, my hands are freezing!"

She says "Well put them between my legs and I will warm them up."

Later he goes out to catch a few fish for lunch and comes back and says again, "Man! My hands are really freezing!"

She says again, "Well put them between my legs and I'll warm them up." He does, and again that warms him up.

After dinner, he goes out to chop wood for the night. When he returns, he again says,"Honey, my hands are really freezing!"

She (smiles) and says, "Darn Honey, don't your EARS ever get cold?"

Comment by Aggie on October 15, 2012 at 6:54pm

Scooby Dooby Dooby

This woman has spent her whole adult life wanting a larger bust, but she just can not afford a boob job. She goes to see a new Doctor in town named Dr. Bob. He tells her that she really doesn't need plastic surgery, that he has a sure fire way to help enlarge her chest. He tells her to rub her chest every day and say the following "Scooby Dooby Dooby, I want bigger boobies". She thinks that this is stupid idea, but decides to try it anyway.

After one week of repeating the poem and rubbing her chest she notices a definite increase in her bustline. She is thrilled! On the bus one morning heading to work, she remembers that she didn't do her morning ritual of rubbing and reciting. She looks around the bus and nobody seems to paying her any attention so she starts to rub her chest and recite the poem.

"Scooby Dooby Dooby, I want bigger boobies". A man starts chuckling from the seat behind her. She turns to ask "what's so funny?"

He says "Dr. Bob, hmm?"

She says "how do you know?"

He says "Hickory Dickory Dock......!"

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