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The Place to crack up! Laughing is allowed 24/7!

Members: 193
Latest Activity: on Saturday

Started by ozzieowl. Last reply by Aggie on Saturday.

Started by EddieDingo. Last reply by Aggie Apr 22.

Started by ozzieowl. Last reply by Aggie Feb 14.

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Comment by Aggie on October 17, 2012 at 7:36pm: Two women were playing golf. One teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole. The ball hit one of the men. He immediately clasped his hands together at his groin, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony.

The woman rushed down to the man, and immediately went to apologize. 'Please allow me to help. I'm a Physical Therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd allow me, she told him.

'Oh, no, I'll be all right. I'll be fine in a few minutes,' the man replied. He was in obvious agony, lying in the fetal position, still clasping his hands there at his groin. At her persistence, however, he finally allowed her to help.

She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, loosened his pants and put her hands inside. She administered tender and artful massage for several long moments and asked, 'How does that feel'?

He replied: 'It feels great, but I still think my thumb's broken.

Comment by Aggie on October 16, 2012 at 7:10pm: Two young lovers go up to the mountains for a romantic winter vacation. After bringing in all the luggage, the guy says, "Honey, my hands are freezing!"

She says "Well put them between my legs and I will warm them up."

Later he goes out to catch a few fish for lunch and comes back and says again, "Man! My hands are really freezing!"

She says again, "Well put them between my legs and I'll warm them up." He does, and again that warms him up.

After dinner, he goes out to chop wood for the night. When he returns, he again says,"Honey, my hands are really freezing!"

She (smiles) and says, "Darn Honey, don't your EARS ever get cold?"

Comment by Aggie on October 15, 2012 at 6:54pm: Scooby Dooby Dooby

This woman has spent her whole adult life wanting a larger bust, but she just can not afford a boob job. She goes to see a new Doctor in town named Dr. Bob. He tells her that she really doesn't need plastic surgery, that he has a sure fire way to help enlarge her chest. He tells her to rub her chest every day and say the following "Scooby Dooby Dooby, I want bigger boobies". She thinks that this is stupid idea, but decides to try it anyway.

After one week of repeating the poem and rubbing her chest she notices a definite increase in her bustline. She is thrilled! On the bus one morning heading to work, she remembers that she didn't do her morning ritual of rubbing and reciting. She looks around the bus and nobody seems to paying her any attention so she starts to rub her chest and recite the poem.

"Scooby Dooby Dooby, I want bigger boobies". A man starts chuckling from the seat behind her. She turns to ask "what's so funny?"

He says "Dr. Bob, hmm?"

She says "how do you know?"

He says "Hickory Dickory Dock......!"

Comment by Aggie on October 14, 2012 at 10:18pm: You Know You Are Too Old To Trick Or Treat When:

10. You get winded from knocking on the door.

9. You have to have another kid chew the candy for you.

8. You ask for high fiber candy only.

7. When someone drops a candy bar in your bag, you lose your balance and fall over.

6. People say: "Great Boris Karloff Mask," And you're not wearing a mask. (Extra points if you know who Boris Karloff was! )

5. When the door opens you yell, "Trick or..." And can't remember the rest.

4. By the end of the night, you have a bag full of restraining orders.

3. You have to carefully choose a costume that won't dislodge your hairpiece.

2. You're the only Power Ranger in the neighborhood with a walker.

And the number one reason Seniors should not go Trick Or Treating...
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*
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1. You keep having to go home to pee.

No matter, have a HAPPY HALLOWEEN anyway.

Comment by Aggie on October 14, 2012 at 10:06pm: REAL T-shirt Slogans

1. "Frankly Scallop, I Don't Give a Clam." (seen on Cape Cod)

2. "That's It! I'm Calling Grandma!" (seen on an 8 year old)

3. "Wrinkled Was Not One of the Things I Wanted to Be When I Grew Up"

4. "Procrastinate Now."

5. "Rehab Is for Quitters."

6. "My Dog Can Lick Anyone."

7. "I Have a Degree in Liberal Arts - Do You Want Fries With That?"

8. "Party - My Crib - Two A.M." (on a baby-size shirt)

9. "Finally 21, and Legally Able to Do Everything I've Been Doing Since 15."

10. "ALL MEN ARE IDIOTS, AND I MARRIED THEIR KING."

Comment by Aggie on October 14, 2012 at 9:38pm: Splinters in her crotch.....

A woman from Los Angeles, who was a tree hugger, a liberal Democrat, and an anti-hunter, purchased a piece of timberland near Colville, WA.There was a large tree on one of the highest points in the tract. She wanted a good view of the natural splendor of her land so she
started to climb the big tree. As she neared the top she encountered a spotted owl that attacked her.

In her haste to escape, the woman slid down the tree to the ground and got many splinters in her crotch. In considerable pain, she hurried to a local ER to see a doctor. She told him she was an environmentalist, a democrat, and an anti-hunter and how she came to get
all the splinters.

The doctor listened to her story with great patience and then told her to go wait in the examining room and he would see if he could help her. She sat and waited three hours before the doctor reappeared.
The angry woman demanded, "What took you so long?" He smiled and then told her, "Well, I had to get permits from the Environmental Protection
Agency, the Forest Service, and the Bureau of Land Management before I could remove old-growth timber from a "recreational area" so close to a waste treatment facility. I'm sorry, but due to Obama-Care they turned you down."

Comment by Aggie on October 10, 2012 at 5:10pm: An old farmer got pulled over by a young state trooper for speeding. The trooper, fresh on the job, decided to throw his weight around and started lecturing the farmer about his speed. He did his best to make the farmer feel uncomfortable b

ut eventually got around to writing the ticket. As he wrote, he had to swat at several flies that were buzzing around his head.

"Having some problems with circle flies there, are ya?" asked the farmer.

The trooper stopped writing the ticket and looked up. "Well yeah, if that's what they are," he said. "I never heard of circle flies, though."

"Oh, they're pretty common on farms," said the farmer. "We call 'em circle flies because they're always circling around the back end of a horse."

"I see," said the trooper as he continued writing the ticket. All of a sudden, he stopped and looked up at the farmer. "Hey...wait a minute, are you trying to call me a horse's ass?"

"Oh no, officer," replied the farmer. "I have far too much respect for law enforcement and police officers to even think about calling you a horse's ass."

"Well, that's a good thing," said the trooper as he resumed writing the ticket.

After a long pause, the farmer continued. "Hard to fool them flies, though."