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Comment by Trish on December 14, 2012 at 2:23pm

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Comment by Aggie on December 14, 2012 at 1:44pm

A business man was walking down the street when he was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless man who asked him for a couple of dollars for dinner.

The man took out his wallet, extracted ten dollars and asked, "If I give you this money, will you buy some beer with it instead of dinner?"

"No, I had to stop drinking years ago," the homeless man replied.

"Will you use it to go fishing instead of buying food?" the man asked.

"No, I don't waste time fishing," the homeless man said.. "I need to spend all my time trying to stay alive."

"Will you spend this on green fees at a golf course instead of food?" the man asked.

"Are you NUTS!" replied the homeless man. "I haven't played golf in 20 years!"

"Well," said the man, "I'm not going to give you money. Instead, I'm going to take you home for a shower and a terrific dinner cooked by my wife."

The homeless man was astounded. "Won't your wife be furious with you for doing that?

The man replied, "Don't worry about that. It's important for her to see what a man looks like after he has given up drinking, fishing and golf.."

Comment by Aggie on December 14, 2012 at 1:24pm

For those of you who have never traveled to the west, or southwest, cattle guards are horizontal steel rails placed at fence openings, in dug-out places in the roads adjacent to highways (sometimes across highways), to prevent cattle from crossing over that area. For some reason the cattle will not step on the "guards," probably because they fear getting their feet caught between the rails.

A few months ago, President Obama received and was reading a report that there were over 100,000 cattle guards in Colorado . The Colorado ranchers had protested his proposed changes in grazing policies, so he ordered the Secretary of the Interior to fire half of the "cattle" guards immediately! Before the Secretary of the Interior could respond and presumably try to straighten President Obama out on the matter, Vice-President Joe Biden, intervened with a request that...before any "cattle" guards were fired, they be given six months of retraining.

'Times are hard,' said Joe Biden, 'it's only fair to the cattle guards and their families be given six months of retraining! '

Comment by Falcon on December 14, 2012 at 11:00am

Comment by Falcon on December 13, 2012 at 10:56am

Boudreaux's 21-one-year-old, unmarried daughter tells her parents she
thinks she is expecting. Very worried, they go to the drugstore to buy
a pregnancy kit. The test result shows that the girl is pregnant. 

Shouting, cursing, and crying, Boudreaux says, "Who 'dat pig what did you like 'dis? I want to know!  I gonna kill that varmit"

The girl picks up the phone and makes a call.  Half an hour later a
Ferrari stops in front of Boudreaux's house. A mature and distinguished
man with gray hair, impeccably dressed in a very expensive suit, steps
out of the car and enters the house. He sits in the living room with
Boudreaux, the mother and the girl and tells them:

"Good morning, your daughter has informed me of the problem. I can't
marry her because of my personal family situation, but I'll take responsibility.

"If a girl is born, I will bequeath her two retail stores, a townhouse, a
beach villa and a $1,000,000 bank account. If a boy is born, my legacy
will be a couple of factories and a $2,000,000 bank account. If it is
twins, a factory and $1,000,000 each. However, if there is a miscarriage,
what do you suggest I do?"

At this point, Boudreaux, who had remained silent, places a hand firmly
on the man's shoulder and tells him, "'Den you try agin

 

Comment by Trish on December 13, 2012 at 7:04am

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Comment by metub4 on December 12, 2012 at 1:44pm

Comment by metub4 on December 12, 2012 at 1:43pm

Comment by GillinTurkey on December 12, 2012 at 11:54am

Senior Alphabet : A is for apple and B is for boat, That used to be right, but now it won't float! Age before beauty is what we once said, But let's be a bit more realistic instead.
Now The Alphabet:
A's for arthritis;
B's the bad back,
C's the chest pains, perhaps car-di-ac?
D is for dental decay and decline,
E is for eyesight, can't read that top line!
F is for farting and fluid retention, used to be for F_cking but that has long stopped
G is for gut droop, which I'd rather not mention.
H high blood pressure--I'd rather it low;
I for incisions with scars you can show.
J is for joints, out of socket, won't mend,
K is for knees that crack when they bend.
L 's for libido, what happened to sex?
M is for memory, I forget what comes next.
N is neuralgia, in nerves way down low;
O is for osteo, bones that don't grow!
P for prescriptions, I have quite a few, just give me a pill and I'll be good as new!
Q is for queasy, is it fatal or flu?
R is for reflux, one meal turns to two.
S is for sleepless nights, counting my fears,
T is for Tinnitus; bells in my ears!
U is for urinary; troubles with flow;
V for vertigo, that's 'dizzy,' you know..
W for worry, now what's going 'round?
X is for X ray, and what might be found.
Y for another year I'm left here behind,
Z is for zest I still have-- in my mind!

I've survived all the symptoms,
my body's deployed,
and I'm keeping twenty-six doctors fully employed!
HAVE A GREAT DAY !

Comment by Falcon on December 12, 2012 at 11:05am

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