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Comment by Trish on January 3, 2013 at 7:09am

Comment by metub4 on January 2, 2013 at 6:00am

Peter, at a New Year's party, turns to his friend, Ken, and asks for a cigarette.

'I thought you made a New Year's resolution to quit smoking,' Ken responds.
'I'm in the process of quitting,' replies Peter with a grin. 'Right now, I am in the middle of phase one.'

'Phase one?' wonders Ken.

'Yeah,' laughs Peter, 'I've quit buying.'

Comment by metub4 on January 2, 2013 at 6:00am

Ten Indications of a New Year Hangover

1. You get it into your head that chirping birds are the Devil's pets.
2. Trying to gain control of the situation, you continue to tell your room to "Stay still."
3. Looking at yourself in the mirror induces the same reaction as drinking a glass of fresh paint.
4. The bathroom reminds you of the fairground cry, "Step right up and give it whirl!"
5. You'd rather chew tacks than be exposed to sunlight.
6. You set aside an entire afternoon to spend some quality time with your toilet.
7. You replace the traditional praying on your knees with the more feasible praying in a fetal position.
8. Your catch phrase is, "Never again."
9. You could purchase a new fridge on the proceeds from recycling the bottles around your bed.
10. Your new response to "Good morning," is "Be quiet!"

Comment by metub4 on January 2, 2013 at 5:59am

On New Year's Eve, Daniel was in no shape to drive, so he sensibly left his van in the car park and walked home.  As he was wobbling along, he was stopped by a policeman.  'What are you doing out here at four o'clock in the morning?' asked the police officer.

'I'm on my way to a lecture,' answered Roger.

'And who on earth, in their right mind, is going to give a lecture at this time on New Year's Eve?' enquired the constable sarcastically.

'My wife,' slurred Daniel grimly.

Comment by metub4 on January 2, 2013 at 5:57am

On New Year's Eve, Daniel was in no shape to drive, so he sensibly left his van in the car park and walked home.  As he was wobbling along, he was stopped by a policeman.  'What are you doing out here at four o'clock in the morning?' asked the police officer.

'I'm on my way to a lecture,' answered Roger.

'And who on earth, in their right mind, is going to give a lecture at this time on New Year's Eve?' enquired the constable sarcastically.

'My wife,' slurred Daniel grimly.

Comment by Frank Goodness on January 2, 2013 at 5:39am

Good One Aggie. LOL!

Comment by Aggie on January 1, 2013 at 6:16pm

I like to shop while leisurely watching late night TV. Excellent products and bargains are to be had. With a little creativity most products can perform better than advertised. For example, when its cleaning day at my humble abode. I wake up refreshed and ready in my Pajama Jeans, no need to change, they are stylish and flexible for the task ahead. I reach in my drawer and remove my freshly cleaned blue colored Snuggie. This is no ordinary Snuggie, it is custom made with the same fabric as the ShamWow and sports the logo of the Dallas Cowboys smartly on the chest and back. Not only can I display my enthusiasm of sports but I am wearing a completely absorbent household cleaning tool. I turn my stereo on and begin to play the song "Dance to the music" by the legendary band Sly and the Family Stone. I begin to twist, turn and gyrate throughout the den of my trailer holding my arms out horizontally but low enough to dust the furniture with my sleeves made of ShamWow. When the chorus begins, I slowly move lower allowing my arms to brush the coffe table removing the spilled beer, peanut shells and cigarette ashes from the night before. This continues through the kitchen and bedrooms of my mobile home, effortlessly I glide around cleaning and dancing. Finally, just as the bridge begins, I spot a puddle on the floor left by my basset hound Clara belle. I just smile and begin my free form break dancing move (spinning on my back) on top of the puddle and .....Voila! ....the floor is clean.
Later, while sipping coffee and relaxing with Clara belle on my trailer's veranda, watering my tomatoes that are flourishing in my Topsy Turvy upside down tomato grower.......I wonder to myself .......is life this good for everyone else? I just smile and say back to myself out loud....of course not.

Comment by Teddy on January 1, 2013 at 5:10pm

http://youtu.be/_-N5QRhOIrc

A HELPING HAND

Comment by metub4 on January 1, 2013 at 7:05am

Know what a 68 is ?

you get a blowjob and say  

"I owe you one "

Comment by metub4 on January 1, 2013 at 6:17am

The sexual position formerly known as the “69″ is now called the “96.” Due to inflation, the cost of eating out has gone up.

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