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Comment by Aggie on March 7, 2013 at 10:30pm

Don't forget to Spring forward.

Comment by Aggie on March 7, 2013 at 8:37pm

Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.

Comment by ozzieowl on March 6, 2013 at 6:42pm

Oh, you had me in all the way to the end with this one, ha!

Comment by Aggie on March 6, 2013 at 6:19pm

WHITE LIE CAKE!

Have you ever told a white lie?
Alice Grayson was to bake a cake for the Baptist Church Ladies' Group in Tuscaloosa , but forgot to do it until the last minute. She remembered it the morning of the bake sale and after rummaging through cabinets, found an angel food cake mix & quickly made it while drying her hair, dressing, and helping her son pack for scout camp.
When she took the cake from the oven, the center had dropped flat. And the cake was horribly disfigured and she exclaimed, "Oh dear, there is not time to bake another cake!" So, being inventive, she looked around the house for something to build up the center of the cake. She found it in the bathroom - a roll of toilet paper. She plunked it in and then covered it with icing. Not only did the finished product look beautiful, it looked perfect. And, before she left the house to drop the cake by the church and head for work, Alice woke her daughter and gave her some money and specific instructions to be at the bake sale the moment it opened at 9:30 and to buy the cake and bring it home.
When the daughter arrived at the sale, she found the attractive, perfect cake had already been sold. Amanda grabbed her cell phone and called her mom. Alice was horrified - she was beside herself! Everyone would know! What would they think? She would be ostracized, talked about, ridiculed!
All night, Alice lay awake in bed thinking about people pointing fingers at her and talking about her behind her back. The next day, Alice promised herself she would try not to think about the cake and would attend the fancy luncheon/bridal shower at the home of a fellow church member and try to have a good time. She did not really want to attend because the hostess was a snob who more than once had looked down her nose at the fact that Alice was a single parent and not from the founding families of Tuscaloosa, but having already RS VP'd, she couldn't think of a believable excuse to stay home.
The meal was elegant, the company was definitely upper crust old south, and to Alice 's horror, the cake in question was presented for dessert!
Alice felt the blood drain from her body when she saw the cake! She started out of her chair to tell the hostess all about it, but before she could get to her feet, the Mayor's wife said, "what a beautiful cake!"
Alice, still stunned, sat back in her chair when she heard the hostess (who was a prominent church member) say, "Thank you, I baked it myself." Alice smiled and thought to herself, "God is good."

Comment by ozzieowl on March 6, 2013 at 4:49pm

A FARMER DECIDED
HE WANTED TO GO TO TOWN
AND SEE A MOVIE.

THE TICKET AGENT ASKED,
"SIR, WHAT'S

THAT ON YOUR SHOULDER?"

 

THE OLD FARMER SAID,

"THAT'S MY PET ROOSTER CHUCK.
WHEREVER I GO, CHUCK GOES."

"I'M SORRY SIR," SAID THE TICKET AGENT   
"WE CAN'T ALLOW ANIMALS IN THE THEATER."

THE OLD FARMER WENT AROUND THE CORNER
AND STUFFED CHUCK

DOWN HIS OVERALLS.
THEN HE RETURNED TO

THE BOOTH,
BOUGHT A TICKET, AND

ENTERED THE THEATER.
HE SAT DOWN NEXT TO
TWO OLD WIDOWS
NAMED MILDRED AND MARGE.

THE MOVIE STARTED
AND THE ROOSTER BEGAN

TO SQUIRM. . .
THE OLD FARMER
UNBUTTONED HIS FLY SO
CHUCK COULD STICK HIS HEAD OUT
AND WATCH THE MOVIE.

"MARGE," WHISPERED MILDRED.
"WHAT?" SAID MARGE.

"I THINK THE GUY NEXT TO ME
IS A PERVERT."

"WHAT MAKES YOU THINK SO?" ASKED MARGE?

"HE UNDID HIS PANTS AND
HE HAS HIS THING OUT", WHISPERED MILDRED.
"WELL, DON'T WORRY ABOUT IT", SAID MARGE..
"AT OUR AGE WE'VE SEEN 'EM ALL"

"I THOUGHT SO TOO", SAID MILDRED,
"BUT THIS ONE'S EATIN' MY POPCORN...!"

Comment by Aggie on March 2, 2013 at 9:37am

I see a sign that says “Caution, Small Children Playing.” I slow down, and then it occurs to me: I’m not afraid of small children.

Comment by Aggie on February 28, 2013 at 9:35pm

When the driver in front of my police cruiser began weaving in and out of his lane, I quickly hit the sirens and pulled him over. As I approached his window, I was hit with the stench of alcohol. “Sir,” I said, “can you tell me when you started drinking and how much you’ve had?” “Well, Officer, I can’t tell you how much I’ve had,” he slurred. “But I started drinking in 1967.” — ROBERT W. MILLER

Comment by Aggie on February 28, 2013 at 8:17pm

Since my purchases came to $ 19.06, I handed the cashier a twenty. “Do you have six cents?” she asked. “Sorry,” I said after fishing around in my pockets, “I have no cents.” “Finally,” she muttered, “a man who can admit it.” — KELLY SMITH

Comment by Aggie on February 27, 2013 at 10:52am

I couldn't quite remember how to throw a boomerang, but eventually it came back to me.

Comment by ozzieowl on February 27, 2013 at 12:29am

If you have no sense of humor - STOP HERE.

Renault and Ford have joined forces to create the perfect small car for women.
Mixing the Renault 'Clio' and the Ford 'Taurus' they have designed the 'Clitaurus.' It comes in pink, and the average male car thief won't be able to find it - let alone turn it on - even if someone tells him where it is and how to do it.
Rumour has it though, that it leaks transmission fluid once a month, and can be a real bitch to start in the morning! Some have reported that on cold winter mornings, when you really need it, you can't get it to turn over.
New models are initially fun to own, but very costly to maintain, and horribly expensive to get rid of. Used models may initially appear to have curb appeal and a low price, but eventually have an increased appetite for fuel, and the curb weight typically increases with age. Manufacturers are baffled as to how the size of the trunk increases, but say that the paint may just make it LOOK bigger.This model is not expected to reach collector status. Most owners find it is best to lease one, and replace when it becomes troublesome.  

 

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