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Comment by Aggie on August 20, 2013 at 7:15pm

Comment by Aggie on August 15, 2013 at 8:58pm

Comment by Aggie on August 14, 2013 at 5:48pm

Comment by Aggie on August 12, 2013 at 9:05pm

It pays to speak german --An Amish farmer walking through his field notices a man
drinking from his pond with his hand.
The Amish Farmer shouts:
"Trinken Sie nicht das Wasser, die Kuhe und die Schweine haben in ihm geschissen!"
Which means:
" Don't drink the water, the cows and the pigs have crapped in it!"

The man shouts back: "I'm a Muslim, I don't understand your gibberish. Speak English, Infidel!"

The Amish farmer shouts back in English:
"Use two hands, you'll get more!"

Comment by metub4 on August 12, 2013 at 4:44pm

Pfizer Corp. announced today that Viagra will soon be available in liquid form, and will be marketed by Pepsi Cola as a power beverage suitable for use as a mixer. It will now be possible for a man to literally pour himself a stiff one. Obviously we can no longer call this a soft drink, and it gives new meaning to the names of "cocktails", "highballs" and just a good
old-fashioned "stiff drink". Pepsi will market the new concoction by the name of:

MOUNT & DO.

Thought for the day: There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra today than on Alzheimer's research. This means that by 2040, there should be a large elderly population with perky boobs and huge erections and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them.

Comment by Aggie on July 30, 2013 at 10:24pm

Comment by Aggie on July 29, 2013 at 8:57pm

Comment by Aggie on July 26, 2013 at 12:31am

Want-to-get-rid-of-telemarketers-hers-a-list
1. If they want to loan you money, tell them you just filed for bankruptcy and you
could sure use some money.
2. If they start out with, “How are you today?” say, “I’m so glad you asked, because
no one these days seems to care, and I have all these problems. My arthritis is acting
up, my eyelashes are sore, my dog just died . . . “
3. If they say they’re John Doe from XYZ Company, ask them to spell their name. Then
ask them to spell the company name. Then ask them where it is located, how long it
has been in business, how many people work there, how they got into this line of
work if they are married, how many kids they have, etc. Continue asking them personal
questions or questions about their company for as long as necessary.
4. (This works great if you are male) Telemarketer: “Hi, my name is Judy and I’m
with XYZ Company. ” You: Wait for a second and with a real husky voice ask, “What
are you wearing?”
5. Cry out in surprise, “Judy? Is that you? Oh my God! Judy, how have you been?”
Hopefully, this will give Judy a few brief moments of terror as she tries to figure
out where she could know you from.
6. Say “No” over and over. Be sure to vary the sound of each one, and keep a rhythmic
Tempo, even as they are trying to speak. This is most fun if you can do it until
They hang up.
7. If MCI calls trying to get you to sign up for the Family and Friends Plan, reply,
In as sinister a voice as you can, “I don’t have any friends, would you be my friend?”
8. If the company cleans rugs, respond: “Can you get out blood? Can you get out goat
Blood? How about human blood?”
9. After the Telemarketer gives his or her spiel, ask him or her to marry you. When
They get all flustered; tell them that you can’t just give your credit card number
to a complete stranger.
10. If the Telemarketer is selling raffle tickets, tell him or her that you work
for the same company, and that employees cannot participate.
11. Answer the phone. As soon as you realize it is a Telemarketer, set the receiver
down, scream, “OH MY GOD!” and then hang up.
12. Tell the Telemarketer you are busy at the moment and ask if he/she will give
you their home phone number so you can call him/her back. When the Telemarketer explains
Those telemarketers cannot give out their home numbers say, “I guess you don’t want
anyone bothering you at home, right?” The Telemarketer will agree and you say, “Me
either!” and proceed to hang up.
13. Ask them to repeat everything they say, several times.
14. Tell them it is dinner time, but ask if they would please hold. Put them on your
speaker phone while you continue to eat at your leisure. Smack your food loudly and
continue with your dinner conversation. For added effect, clanging of cutlery and
dishes is recommended.
15. Tell the Telemarketer you are on “home incarceration” and ask if they could bring
you some beer.
16. Ask them to fax the information to you, and make up a number.
17. Tell the Telemarketer, “Okay, I’ll listen to you. But I should probably tell
you, I’m not wearing any clothes.”
18. Insist that the caller is really your buddy Leon, playing a joke. “Come on, Leon,
cut it out! Seriously, Leon, how’s your momma?”
19. Tell them you are hard of hearing and that they need to speak up… louder… louder!
20. Tell them to talk very slowly, because you want to write every word down.

Comment by Aggie on July 24, 2013 at 9:30pm

Comment by Aggie on July 23, 2013 at 11:03am

Late one night a mugger wearing a ski mask jumped into a path of a well-dressed man and stuck a gun in his ribs.
"Give me your money," he demanded.

Indignant, the affluent man replied, "You can't do this! I am a United States congressman!"

"In that case," replied the mugger, "give me MY money."

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