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Comment by Aggie on March 11, 2014 at 6:55pm

A woman from Los Angeles who was a tree hugging, liberal Democrat and an anti-hunter purchased a piece of timberland near Colville, WA . There was a large tree on one of the highest points in the tract. She wanted a good view of the natural splendor of her land so she started to climb the big tree.

As she neared the top she encountered a spotted owl that attacked her. In her haste to escape, the woman slid down the tree to the ground and got many splinters in her crotch.

In considerable pain, she hurried to a local ER to see a doctor. She told him she was an environmentalist, a Democrat, and an anti-hunter and how she came to get all the splinters. The doctor listened to her story with great patience and then told her to go wait in the examining room and he would see if he could help her.

She sat and waited three hours before the doctor re-appeared.The angry woman demanded, "What took you so long?"

He smiled and then told her, "Well, I had to get permits from the Environmental Protection Agency, the Forest Service, and the Bureau of Land Management before I could remove old-growth timber from a 'recreational area' so close to a Waste Treatment Facility.

And I'm sorry, but due to Obama-Care they turned you down.

Comment by Aggie on March 4, 2014 at 5:44pm

A group of 15 year old boys discussed where they should meet for dinner. It was agreed they would meet at the McDonald's next to Captain Jack's Seafood Grille because they only had six dollars among them, they could ride their bikes, and that cute girl in Social Studies lives on the same street and they might see her.

Ten years later, the group of now 25 year old guys discussed where they should meet for dinner. It was agreed they would meet at Captain Jack's Seafood
Grille because the beer was cheap, the bar had free snacks, the house band was good, there was no cover charge and there were lot of cute girls.

Ten years later, at 35 years of age, the group discussed where they should meet for dinner. It was decided they would meet at Captain Jack's Seafood Grille because the booze was good, it was near their gym and, if they went late enough, there wouldn't be too many whiny little kids.

Ten years later, at 45, the group discussed where they should meet for dinner. It was agreed they would meet at Captain Jack's Seafood Grille because the martinis were big and the waitresses wore tight pants.

Ten years later, now 55, the group discussed where they should meet for dinner. It was agreed they would meet at Capt. Jack's Seafood Grille because the prices were reasonable, they have a nice wine list and fish is good for your cholesterol.

Ten years later, at 65 years of age, the group discussed where they should meet for dinner. It was agreed they would meet at Captain Jack's Seafood Grille because the lighting was good and they have an early bird special.

Ten years later, at 75 years of age, the group discussed where they should meet for dinner. It was agreed they would meet at Capt. Jack's Seafood Grille because
the food was not too spicy and the restaurant was handicapped accessible.

Ten years later, at 85 years of age, the group discussed where they should meet for dinner. It was agreed they would meet at Captain Jack's Seafood Grille because they had never been there before.

Comment by Aggie on March 4, 2014 at 10:28am

Yesterday, Carol's daughter e-mailed her again asking why she didn't do something useful with her time.

“Like sitting around the pool and drinking wine is not a good thing”, Carol muttered.

Talking about her "doing something useful" seems to be her daughter's favourite topic of conversation. She was "only thinking of her mom" and suggested she go down to the senior centre and hang out with the guys.

Carol did this and when she got home last night, she decided to teach her daughter a lesson about staying out of her business. She e-mailed her and told her that she had joined a parachute club.

She replied, "Are you nuts? You are how old?? And now you're going to start jumping out of airplanes?"

Carol told her that she even got a membership card and e-mailed a copy to her.

She immediately telephoned her mom, "Good grief, where are your glasses??!?!? This is a membership to a Prostitute Club, not a Parachute Club."

"Oh man, I'm in trouble again; I really don't know what to do... I signed up for five jumps a week," said Carol.

The line went quiet and her friend picked up the phone and told Carol that her daughter had fainted.

Life as a mature citizen is not getting any easier but sometimes it can be fun.

Comment by Aggie on February 27, 2014 at 6:38pm

GREEK HISTORY UPDATED

Since the Winter Olympics are just about over....

A slave call girl from Sardinia named Gedophamee was attending a great
but as yet unnamed athletic festival

2500 years ago in Greece ..

In those days, believe it or not, the athletes performed naked.

To prevent unwanted arousal while competing,

the men imbibed freely on a drink containing saltpeter before and
throughout the variety of events.

At the opening ceremonial parade, Gedophamee observed the first wave
of naked magnificent males

marching toward her and she exclaimed:

"OH!! Limp pricks!"

Over the next two and a half millenniums that morphed into " Olympics".

Just thought I'd share this new found knowledge with you.

You're very welcome..

Comment by Aggie on February 27, 2014 at 10:50am

Polish Immigrant
One day, an immigrant from Poland entered a New York City police precinct to report that his American wife was planning to kill him. The police officer on duty was intrigued by this, and he asked, "How sure are ya that she's gonna kill ya? Did she threaten to kill ya?"

"No," replied the nervous immigrant.

"Did ya hear her tell someone else that she's gonna kill ya?"

"No."

"Did someone tell ya that your wife is gonna kill ya?"

"No."

"Then why in the world did ya think she's gonna kill ya?" asked the exasperated police officer.

"Because I found a bottle on dresser and I think she's gonna poison me!"

He handed the police officer the suspect bottle. The police officer took one look at the label on the bottle and started to laugh out loud.

The immigrant became indignant and said, "What's so funny? Can't you see the label on bottle says 'Polish Remover'?"

Comment by Aggie on February 27, 2014 at 3:27am

Four friends and their kids

Four guys are sitting around having drinks and one of the men had to use the restroom. The three others talked about their kids.

The first guy said, “my son is my pride and joy he started working at a company at the bottom. He studied business and began to climb the corporate ladder, became president of the company. Hes so rich he gave his best friend a top of the line Mercedes for Christmas.

The second guy said, “damn, that’s terrific! my son is also the pride and joy. He started working for a big airline, went to flight school to become a pilot. He became a partner where he owns the majority of its assets. He is so rich that he gave his best friend a brand new jet as a Christmas gift!

The third man said. “well that’s terrific! my son studied in the best universities and became an engineer, started his own construction company and is now a multimillionaire. He also gave an expensive Christmas gift to his best friend, a 30,000 square foot mansion!

The 3 guys congratulate each other just as the fourth guy returned from the restroom and asked what are all the congratulations for? One of the three guys said, “were talking about the pride we feel for the successes of our sons… “what about ur son?” they asked the 4th guy.

The fourth man replied, ” my son is gay and makes a living dancing as a stripper at a nightclub. The three friends said, “ that’s a shame…what a disappointment. The fourth man replied. ” Nah, I’m not ashamed, hes my son and I love him..and he hasn’t done too badly either. Just this Christmas alone he received a beautiful 30,000 square foot mansion, a brand new jet and a top of the line Mercedes from his 3 boyfriends.

Comment by Aggie on February 26, 2014 at 9:38pm

Upon entering a little country store, a stranger noticed a sign reading, “Danger! Beware of Dog” posted on the glass door. Inside, he noticed a harmless old hound dog asleep on the floor besides the cash register.
He asked the store manager, “Is that the dog folks are supposed to beware of?”
“Yep, that’s him,” he replied.
The stranger couldn’t help but be amused. “That certainly doesn’t look like a dangerous dog to me. Why in the world would you post that sign?”
“Because,” the owner replied, “before I posted that sign, people kept tripping over him.”

Comment by Aggie on February 26, 2014 at 9:20pm

Texas Millionaire
A Texas millionaire had fallen ill. The doctors consulted did not seem to understand what ailed him. The millionaire let it be known that any doctor who could heal him could have whatever he desired.

A country doctor was finally able to cure him, and as the doctor was leaving after a week's stay, the Texan said, "Doc! I am a man of my word. You name it, and if it is humanly possible, I'll get it for you."

"Well," said the doctor, "I love to play golf, so if I could have a matching set of golf clubs, that would be fine." With that, the physician left.

The doctor didn't hear from the Texan millionaire for some months. Then, one day, he got a phone call from the millionaire.

"Doc, I bet you thought that I had gone back on my word. I have your matching set of golf clubs. The reason it took so long is that one of them didn't have a swimming pool, and I didn't think that was good enough for ya. So I had a pool installed and the clubs are all ready for you now!"

Comment by Aggie on February 25, 2014 at 4:50am

Smart kid gets promoted:

A first-grade teacher, Ms Brooks, was having trouble with one of her students. The teacher asked, “Harry, what’s your problem?”
Harry answered, “I’m too smart for the 1st grade. My sister is in the 3rd grade and I’m smarter than she is! I think I should be in the 3rd grade too!”

Ms. Brooks had enough. She took Harry to the principal’s office.
While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was. The principal told Ms. Brooks he would give the boy a test. If he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the 1st grade and behave. She agreed. Harry was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test.

Principal: “What is 3 x 3?”

Harry: “9.”

Principal: “What is 6 x 6?”

Harry: “36.”

And so it went with every question the principal thought a 3rd grader should know.

The principal looks at Ms. Brooks and tells her, “I think Harry can go to the 3rdgrade.”

Ms. Brooks says to the principal, “Let me ask him some questions.”

The principal and Harry both agreed.

Ms. Brooks asks, “What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?”

Harry, after a moment: “Legs.”

Ms Brooks: “What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?”

The principal wondered why would she ask such a question!

Harry replied: “Pockets.”

Ms. Brooks: “What does a dog do that a man steps into?”

Harry: “Pants.”

The principal sat forward with his mouth hanging open.

Ms. Brooks: “What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?”

The principal’s eyes opened really wide and before he could stop the answer, Harry replied, “Bubble gum.”

Ms. Brooks: “What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down and a dog does on three legs?”

Harry: “Shake hands.”

The principal was trembling.

Ms. Brooks: “What word starts with an ‘F’ and ends in ‘K’ that means a lot of heat and excitement?”

Harry: “Firetruck.”

The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the
teacher, “Put Harry in the fifth-grade, I got the last six questions wrong… “

Comment by Aggie on February 25, 2014 at 4:38am

Facebook purchased whatsapp in 19 billion.
Microsoft purchased Nokia in 7.7 billion.
Google purchased YouTube in 1.65 billion.
Google purchased Motorola in 12.5 billion.
Lenevo purchased Motorola in 2.9 billion.
Oracle purchased sun and java in 7.4 billion.
HP Purchased compac in 25 billion.
Microsoft purchased Skype in 8.5 billion!

I purchased apple for 1$

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