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Comment by Aggie on July 30, 2015 at 1:16am

Comment by Aggie on July 7, 2015 at 8:30pm

Barry Farmer got into his Toyota 4 by 4 and drove to the neighbouring ranch and knocked at the door. A young boy, Neil, aged about 9, opened the door.

'Is yer Dad home?' Barry demanded.
'No, sir, he ain't,' Neil replied. 'He went into town.'

'Well, then,' inquired Barry, 'is yer Mom here?'
'No, sir, she ain't here neither. She went into town with Dad.'

'How about your brother? Is he here?'
'He went with Mom and Dad,' explained Neil patiently.

Barry Farmer stood there for a few seconds, shifting from one foot to the other and muttering to himself.

'Is there anything I can do fer ya?' Neil asked politely. 'I know where all the tools are, if you want to borrow one. Or maybe I could take a message fer Dad.'

'Well, it's difficult,' answered Barry uncomfortably, 'I really wanted to talk to yer Dad. It's about your brother getting my daughter pregnant.'

Neil considered for a moment, 'You would have to talk to Pa about that,' he finally conceded. 'If it helps you any, I know that Pa charges $600 for the bull and $60 for the hog, but I really don't know how much he gets fer Howard.'

Comment by Chandrashekhar Vairale(Samidha) on June 18, 2015 at 6:31am

CHINESE ADVICE TO 50-YEARS & 50 PLUS YEARS OLDER

Because none of us have many years to live, and we can't take along anything when we go, so we don't have to be too thrifty.
Spend the money that should be spent, enjoy what should be enjoyed, donate what you are able to donate, but don't leave all to your children or grandchildren, for you don't want them to become parasites who are waiting for the day you will die!!
DON'T WORRY about what will happen after we are gone, because when we return to dust, we will feel nothing about praises or criticisms. The time to enjoy the worldly life and your hard earned wealth will be over!
DON'T WORRY too much about your children, for children will have their own destiny and should find their own way. Don't be your children's slave. Care for them, love them, give them gifts but also enjoy your money while you can. Life should have more to it than working from the cradle to the grave!!
DON'T EXPECT too much from your children. Caring children, though caring, would be too busy with their jobs and commitments to render much help.
Uncaring children may fight over your assets even when you are still alive, and wish for your early demise so they can inherit your properties and wealth.
Your children take for granted that they are rightful heirs to your wealth; but that you have no claims to their money.
50-year olds, don't trade in - your health for wealth, by working yourself to an early grave anymore. Because your money may not be able to buy your health.
When to stop making money, and how much is enough ? 
(A HUNDRED thousand, One million, ten million,One billion )? 
Out of thousand hectares of good farm land, you can consume only three quarts (of rice) daily; out of a thousand mansions, you only need eight square meters of space to rest at night.
So, as long as you have enough food and enough money to spend, that is good enough. You should live happily.
Every family has its own problems.
Just DO NOT COMPARE with others for fame and social status and see whose children are doing better etc., but challenge others for happiness, health, enjoyment, quality of life and longevity.

DON'T WORRY about things that you can't change because it doesn't help and it may spoil your health.
You have to create your own well-being and find your own place of happiness. 
As long as you are in good mood and good health, think about happy things, do happy things daily and have fun in doing, then you will pass your time happily every day.
One day passes WITHOUT happiness, you will lose one day.
One day passes WITH happiness and then you gain one day.
In good spirit, sickness will cure; 
In a happy spirit, sickness will cure faster;
in high and happy spirits, sickness will never come.
With good mood, suitable amount of exercise, always in the sun, variety of foods, reasonable amount of vitamin and mineral intake, hopefully you will live another 20 or 30 years of healthy life of pleasure.
- ABOVE ALL - Learn to cherish the goodness around.
.. and FRIENDS........... They all make you feel young and "wanted"... without them you are surely to feel lost !!
Wishing you all the best for the years to come.
Please share this with all your friends who are 50 plus and those who will be 50 plus after some time and also with your children.

Comment by Aggie on June 18, 2015 at 1:23am

A Texas Farm boy joins the Marines, and this is his first letter home from Boot Camp:

Dear Ma and Pa:

Am well. Hope you are. Tell Brother Walt and Brother Elmer the Army beats working for old man Minch. Tell them to join up quick before all the places are filled.

I was restless at first because you got to stay in bed till nearly 6 a.m.( but am getting so I like to sleep late. All you do before breakfast is smooth your cot and shine some things — no hogs to slop, feed to pitch, mash to mix, wood to split, fire to lay.

Practically nothing. You got to shave, but it is not bad in warm water. Breakfast is strong on trimmings like fruit juice, cereal, eggs, bacon, etc., but kind of weak on chops, potatoes, beef, ham steak, fried eggplant, pie and regular food, but you can always sit between two city boys that live on coffee. Their food plus yours holds you till noon, when you get fed. It’s no wonder these city boys can’t walk much.

We go on “route marches,” which, the Sgt. says, are long walks to harden us. If he thinks so, it is not my place to tell him different. A “route march” is about as far as to our mailbox at home. Then the city guys all get sore feet and we ride back in trucks. The country is nice, but awful flat. 750117-soldier-firing-rifle-on-a-range

The Sgt. is like a schoolteacher. He nags some. The Capt. is like the school board. Cols. and Gens. just ride around and frown. They don’t bother you none.

I keep getting medals for shooting. I don’t know why, the bull’s-eye is near big as a chipmunk and don’t move and it ain’t shooting at you, like the Higsett boys at home. All you got to do is lie there all comfortable and hit it, you don’t even load your own cartridges they come in boxes. Be sure to tell Walt and Elmer to hurry and join before other fellows get onto this setup and come stampeding in.

Your loving son,

Zeke

P.S. Speaking of shooting, enclosed is $200 for barn roof and ma’s teeth. The city boys shoot craps, but not very good.

Comment by Aggie on June 3, 2015 at 5:55pm

What's Forest Gump's Facebook password? 1forest1

Comment by Aggie on June 2, 2015 at 6:53pm

An eminent statesman was being driven rapidly by his chauffeur, when the car struck and killed a dog that leaped in front of it. At the statesman's order, the chauffeur stopped the car, and the great man got out and hurried back to where a woman was standing by the remains.

The dead dog's mistress was deeply grieved, and more deeply angered. As the statesman attempted to address her placatingly, she turned on him wrathfully, and told him just what she thought, which was considerable and by no means agreeable. When, at last, she paused for breath, the culprit tried again to soothe her, saying:

"Madam, I shall be glad to replace your dog."

The woman drew herself up haughtily, looked the statesman up and down, then hissed:

"Well, I guess you'll do!"

Comment by Aggie on May 18, 2015 at 6:39pm

A turkey is chatting with a bull.
"I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree," sighs the turkey, "but I just haven't got the energy."
"Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?" replies the bull.
"They're packed with nutrients."
The turkey pecks at a lump of dung and finds that it actually gives him enough strength to reach the first branch of the tree.
The next day, after eating some more dung, he reaches the second branch.
Finally after a week, there he is proudly perched at the top of the tree.
Unfortunately he is spotted by a farmer, who shoots him out of the tree.
Moral of the story: Bullshit might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there.

Comment by Aggie on May 13, 2015 at 9:35pm

Two Crocodiles were sitting at the side of the swamp near the lake.
The smaller one turned to the bigger one and said, "I can’t understand how you can be so much bigger than me. We’re the same age; We were the same size as kids. I just don’t get it."
"Well, " said the big Croc, "What have you been eating?"
"Politicians, same as you, " replied the small Croc.
"Hmm. Well, where do you catch the m?"
"Down the other side of the swamp near the parking lot by the Capitol."
"Same here. Hmm. How do you catch the m?"
"Well, I crawl up under one of their Lexus cars and wait for one to unlock the car door. Then I jump out, grab them by the leg, shake the shit out of them and eat ’em!"
"Ah!" says the big Crocodile, "I think I see your problem.
You’re not getting any real nourishment. See, by the time you finish shaking the shit out of a Politician, there’s nothing left but an asshole and a briefcase.

Comment by Aggie on May 13, 2015 at 5:08am

Before she died, an old lady wanted to visit England, the home of her ancestors. She went to the Federal Office and asked for a passport.

"You must take the loyalty oath first," the passport clerk said. "Raise your right hand, please." The senior citizen raised her right hand as the clerk asked, "Do you swear to defend the Constitution of the United States against all enemies, domestic or foreign?"

The sweet old face paled and the voice trembled as she responded, "Well, I guess so, but ... will I have help, or will I have to do it all by myself?"

Comment by Aggie on March 24, 2015 at 7:08pm

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