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Comment by metub4 on March 27, 2016 at 7:44am

Comment by metub4 on March 26, 2016 at 7:41am

Comment by metub4 on March 14, 2016 at 2:03pm

Crash Landing

Elle McPherson, Cindy Crawford, and Naomi Campbell are going by air to a photo shoot. Halfway through the flight the plane had engine trouble, the pilot warned the girls to assume the crash position, just in case they went down. Elle put on more make-up saying, "They always rescued the beautiful ones first.' Cindy donned her jewelery claiming, "They would rescue the richest one first," upon which Naomi, threw off all her clothes, pressing herself against the window saying, "You're both wrong, the first thing they look for is the Black Box"!

Comment by metub4 on March 13, 2016 at 9:29am

Different Treatments

A doctor had the reputation of helping couples increase the joy in their sex life, but always promised not to take a case if he felt he could not help them. The Browns came to see the doctor. He gave them thorough physical exams, psychological exams, and various tests, then concluded, "Yes, I am happy to say that I believe I can help you. On your way home from my office stop at the grocery store and buy some grapes and some doughnuts." "Go home, take off your clothes, and you, sir, roll the grapes across the floor until you make a bulls eye in your wife's 'love canal'. Then, on hands and knees you must crawl to her like a leopard and retrieve the grape using only your tongue." "Then next, ma'am, you must take the doughnuts and from across the room, toss them at your husband until you make a ringer around his 'love pole'. Then, like a lioness, you must crawl to him and consume the doughnut." The couple went home and their sex life became more and more wonderful. They told their friends, Mr. & Mrs. Green that they should see the good doctor. The doctor greeted the Greens and said he would not take the case unless he felt that he could help them. He conducted the physical exams and the same battery of tests. Then he told the Greens the bad news. "I cannot help you, so I will not take your money. I believe your sex life is as good as it will ever be. I cannot help." The Greens pleaded with him, and said, "You helped our friends the Browns, now please, please help us." "Well, all right", the doctor said. "On your way home from the office, stop at the grocery store and buy some apples and a box of Cheerios..."

Comment by metub4 on March 13, 2016 at 9:23am

Hey !  It's march madness.

Keep your head up..................

Comment by metub4 on March 13, 2016 at 9:08am

Comment by Aggie on January 26, 2016 at 4:16am

An Aussie truckie walks into an outback cafe with a full-grown emu behind him. The waitress asks them for their orders.
The truckie says, 'A hamburger, chips and a coke,' and turns to the emu, 'What's yours?' 'I'll have the same,' says the emu.
A short time later the waitress returns with the order 'That will be $9.40 please,' and he reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact change for payment.
The next day, the man and the emu come again and he says, 'A hamburger, chips and a coke.' The emu says, 'I'll have the same..'
Again the truckie reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change.
This becomes routine until the two enter again. 'The usual?' asks the waitress.
'No, it's Friday night, so I'll have a steak, baked potato and a salad,' says the man. 'Same,' says the emu.
Shortly the waitress brings the order and says, 'That will be $32.62.'
Once again the man pulls the exact change out of his pocket and places it on the table.
The waitress cannot hold back her curiosity any longer. 'Excuse me, mate, how do you manage to always come up with the exact change in your pocket every time?'
'Well, love' says the truckie, 'a few years ago, I was cleaning out the back shed, and found an old lamp. When I rubbed it, a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be there.'
'That's brilliant!' says the waitress. 'Most people would ask for a million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!'
'That's right. Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there,' says the man. The waitress asks, 'What's with the bloody emu?'
The truckie sighs, pauses, and answers, 'My second wish was for a tall chick with a big arse and long legs, who agrees with everything I say.'

Comment by Aggie on December 21, 2015 at 9:23pm

AN ATHEIST GETS HIS WISH:
An atheist was taking a walk through the woods, admiring all that the
accident of evolution had created. "What majestic trees! What
powerful rivers! What beautiful animals!" he said to himself.

As he walked alongside the river he heard a rustling in the bushes
behind him. He turned to look, just in time to see a 7-foot grizzly
charge towards him. He ran as fast as he could up the path. He looked
over his shoulder & saw the bear closing in on him. He tried to run
even faster, so scared that tears were coming to his eyes. He looked
over his shoulder again, and the bear was even closer.

His heart was pumping frantically as he tried to run even faster, but
he tripped and fell on the ground. He rolled over to pick himself up
and saw the bear right on top of him raising his paw to kill him.

At that instant, he cried out, "Oh my God!"

Just then, time stopped... The bear froze; the forest was silent;
even the river stopped moving. A bright light shone upon the man, and
a voice came out of the sky, saying, "You deny My existence all of
these years; teach others I don't exist; even credit My creation to a
cosmic accident, and now do you expect Me to help you out of this
predicament? Am I to count you as a believer?"

The atheist, ever so proud, looked into the light and said, "It would
be rather hypocritical to ask to be a Christian after all these
years. But could you make the bear a Christian?"

"Very well," said the voice.

As the light went out, the river ran, the sounds of the forest
continued, and the bear put his paw down. The man breathed a sigh of
relief. Then the bear brought both paws together, bowed his head and
said: "Lord, I thank you for this food, which I am about to receive."

Comment by metub4 on December 16, 2015 at 5:02am

do you know why Santa is better man than Charlie Sheen?

Santa stops after three hos

HO, HO, HO Merry Christmas !

Comment by Aggie on December 15, 2015 at 7:52pm

The past, present, and future walked into a bar. It was tense.

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