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Comment by metub4 on January 27, 2018 at 8:27am

If the purple man lives in the purple house and the orange man lives in the orange house and the red man lives in the red house.... Who lives in the white house?    The President!!

Comment by metub4 on January 27, 2018 at 8:26am

There are 5 people on a plane a senator a model, a 11 year old girl, a war veteran, and Dubya. The plane starts to crash sadly there are only 4 parachutes the model says she is too pretty to die the senator says he is too important and they both take one and jump. Dubya says he is the smartest president there ever has been and ever will be so he grabs on and jumps. The war veteran is willing to let the girl go but there is one parachute left. The little girl smiles and says "The worlds smartest president took my school bag."

Comment by metub4 on January 27, 2018 at 8:20am

If con is the opposite of pro, then is Congress the opposite of progress ?

Jon Stewart

Comment by metub4 on December 19, 2017 at 6:23am

It was slightly before Thanksgiving. The trip went reasonably well, and I was ready to go back. The airport on the other end had turned a tacky red and green, and loudspeakers blared annoying elevator renditions of cherished Christmas carols. Being someone who took Christmas very seriously, and being slightly tired, I was not in a particularly good mood. Going to check in my luggage (which, for some reason, had become one suitcase with entirely new clothes), I saw hanging mistletoe. Not real mistletoe, but very cheap plastic with red paint on some of the rounder parts and green paint on some of the flatter and pointier parts, that could be taken for mistletoe only in a very Picasso sort of way. With a considerable degree of irritation and nowhere else to vent it, I said to the attendant, "Even if I were not married, I would not want to kiss you under such a ghastly mockery of mistletoe." "Sir, look more closely at where the mistletoe is." (pause) "Ok, I see that it's above the luggage scale, which is the place you'd have to step forward for a kiss." "That's not why it's there." (pause) "Ok, I give up. Why is it there?" "It's there so you can kiss your luggage goodbye."

source: http://www.jokes4us.com/holidayjokes/christmasjokes/mistletoejokes....

Comment by metub4 on December 19, 2017 at 6:11am

Just before Xmas, an honest politician, a generous lawyer and Santa Claus all got into the lift (elevator) at the Ritz Hotel in London. As the lift travelled from the 5th floor down to the ground level, one-by-one they noticed a £50 note lying on the lift's floor.

Which one picked up the £50 note, and handed it in at reception?

Santa of course, the other two don't actually exist!

Comment by metub4 on December 19, 2017 at 6:09am

Sarah new young bride calls her mother in tears. She sobs, 'Richard doesn't appreciate what I do for him.'

'Now, now,' her mother comforted, 'I am sure it was all just a misunderstanding.'

'No, mother, you don't understand. I bought a frozen turkey roll and he yelled and screamed at me about the price.'

'Well, the nerve of that lousy cheapskate,' says her mum. 'Those turkey rolls are only a few dollars.'

'No, mother it wasn't the price of the turkey. It was the aeroplane ticket.' "Aeroplane ticket...." What did you need an airplane ticket for?'

'Well mother, when I went to fix it, I looked at the directions on the package and it said: "Prepare from a frozen state," so I flew to Alaska.'

Comment by Aggie on November 21, 2017 at 11:58am

A country preacher had a teenage son, and it was time the boy should give some thought to choosing a profession. Like many young men, the boy didn't really know what he wanted to do, and he didn't seem too concerned about it.
One day, while the boy was away at school, his father decided to try an experiment. He went into the boy's room and placed on his study table four objects:

A bible, a silver dollar, a bottle of Jack Daniels, and a Playboy magazine.

'I'll just hide behind the door, the preacher said to himself, 'and when he comes home from school this afternoon, I'll see which object he picks up.''If it's the Bible, he's going to be a preacher like me, and what a blessing that would be! 'If he picks up the dollar, he's going to be a business-man, and that would be okay, too. 'But, if he picks up the bottle, he's going to be a no-good drunkard, and Lord, what a shame that would be. 'And worst of all, if he picks up that magazine, he's going to be a skirt-chasing bum.'

The old man waited anxiously, and soon heard his son's footsteps as he entered the house whistling and heading for his room.

The boy tossed his books on the bed, and as he turned to leave the room, he spotted the objects on the table. With curiosity in his eye, he walked over to inspect them.

Finally, he picked up the Bible and placed it under his arm.
He picked up the Silver Dollar and dropped into his pocket.
He uncorked the bottle and took a big drink while he admired this month's centerfold.

'Lord have mercy,' the old preacher whispered in horror, 'He’s going to be the next president!'

Comment by Aggie on October 19, 2017 at 2:31pm

An Alabama pastor said to his congregation, "Someone in this congregation has spread a rumor that I belong to the Ku Klux Klan. This is a horrible lie and one which a Christian community cannot tolerate. I am embarrassed and do not intend to accept this. Now, I want the party who said this to stand and ask forgiveness from God and this Christian family."

No one moved. The preacher continued, "Do you have the nerve to face me and admit this is a falsehood? Remember, you will be forgiven and in your heart, you will feel glory. Now stand and confess your transgression." Again, all was quiet

Then, slowly, a drop-dead gorgeous blonde with a body that would stop a runaway train rose from the third pew. Her head was bowed and her voice quivered as she spoke, "Reverend there has been a terrible misunderstanding. I never said you were a member of the Ku Klux Klan. I simply told a couple of my friends that you were a wizard under the sheets."

The preacher fell to his knees, his wife fainted, and the congregation roared.

Life is short, smile while you still have teeth.

Comment by metub4 on August 30, 2017 at 8:34am

I saw a baseball

getting larger   and   larger

and then it hit me

Comment by metub4 on July 29, 2017 at 5:27am

Great time to be a comedian !

Just look at Washington for material.

You know it might be funny.......

if it wasn't so sad.

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