Keep Laughing!

Comment

Comment by metub4 on March 25, 2018 at 7:45am

Moe says, "My wife got me to believe in religion."¶

Joe says, "Really? How did she do that?"

Moe says, "Until I married her, I didn't believe in Hell."

Comment by metub4 on March 25, 2018 at 7:45am

While shopping for vacation clothes, my husband and I passed a display of bathing suits. It had been at least 10 years and 20 pounds since I had even considered buying a bathing suit, so I sought my husband's advice. "What do you think?" I asked. "Should I get a bikini or an all-in-one?"

Better get a bikini," he replied. "You'd never get it all in one."

Comment by metub4 on March 25, 2018 at 7:44am

New boss in the building

Arcelor-Mittal Steel, feeling it was time for a shakeup, hired a new CEO. The new boss was determined to rid the company of all slackers. On a tour of the facilities, the CEO noticed a guy leaning against a wall. The room was full of workers and he wanted to let them know that he meant business. He asked the guy, "How much money do you make a week?"

A little surprised, the young man looked at him and said, "I make $400 a week. Why?"

The CEO said, "Wait right here." He walked back to his office, came back in two minutes, and handed the guy $1,600 in cash and said, "Here's four weeks pay. Now GET OUT and don't come back."

Feeling pretty good about himself, the CEO looked around the room and asked, "Does anyone want to tell me what that goof ball did here?"

From across the room a voice said, "Pizza delivery guy from Domino's."

Comment by Aggie on February 27, 2018 at 10:31am

Comment by metub4 on January 27, 2018 at 8:27am

If the purple man lives in the purple house and the orange man lives in the orange house and the red man lives in the red house.... Who lives in the white house?    The President!!

Comment by metub4 on January 27, 2018 at 8:26am

There are 5 people on a plane a senator a model, a 11 year old girl, a war veteran, and Dubya. The plane starts to crash sadly there are only 4 parachutes the model says she is too pretty to die the senator says he is too important and they both take one and jump. Dubya says he is the smartest president there ever has been and ever will be so he grabs on and jumps. The war veteran is willing to let the girl go but there is one parachute left. The little girl smiles and says "The worlds smartest president took my school bag."

Comment by metub4 on January 27, 2018 at 8:20am

If con is the opposite of pro, then is Congress the opposite of progress ?

Jon Stewart

Comment by metub4 on December 19, 2017 at 6:23am

It was slightly before Thanksgiving. The trip went reasonably well, and I was ready to go back. The airport on the other end had turned a tacky red and green, and loudspeakers blared annoying elevator renditions of cherished Christmas carols. Being someone who took Christmas very seriously, and being slightly tired, I was not in a particularly good mood. Going to check in my luggage (which, for some reason, had become one suitcase with entirely new clothes), I saw hanging mistletoe. Not real mistletoe, but very cheap plastic with red paint on some of the rounder parts and green paint on some of the flatter and pointier parts, that could be taken for mistletoe only in a very Picasso sort of way. With a considerable degree of irritation and nowhere else to vent it, I said to the attendant, "Even if I were not married, I would not want to kiss you under such a ghastly mockery of mistletoe." "Sir, look more closely at where the mistletoe is." (pause) "Ok, I see that it's above the luggage scale, which is the place you'd have to step forward for a kiss." "That's not why it's there." (pause) "Ok, I give up. Why is it there?" "It's there so you can kiss your luggage goodbye."

source: http://www.jokes4us.com/holidayjokes/christmasjokes/mistletoejokes....

Comment by metub4 on December 19, 2017 at 6:11am

Just before Xmas, an honest politician, a generous lawyer and Santa Claus all got into the lift (elevator) at the Ritz Hotel in London. As the lift travelled from the 5th floor down to the ground level, one-by-one they noticed a £50 note lying on the lift's floor.

Which one picked up the £50 note, and handed it in at reception?

Santa of course, the other two don't actually exist!

Comment by metub4 on December 19, 2017 at 6:09am

Sarah new young bride calls her mother in tears. She sobs, 'Richard doesn't appreciate what I do for him.'

'Now, now,' her mother comforted, 'I am sure it was all just a misunderstanding.'

'No, mother, you don't understand. I bought a frozen turkey roll and he yelled and screamed at me about the price.'

'Well, the nerve of that lousy cheapskate,' says her mum. 'Those turkey rolls are only a few dollars.'

'No, mother it wasn't the price of the turkey. It was the aeroplane ticket.' "Aeroplane ticket...." What did you need an airplane ticket for?'

'Well mother, when I went to fix it, I looked at the directions on the package and it said: "Prepare from a frozen state," so I flew to Alaska.'

• ‹ Previous
• 1
• …
• 24
• 25
• 26
• 27
• 28
• …
• 131
• Next ›
• Page