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Comment by Aggie on June 30, 2018 at 6:10pm
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Stormy Daniels and Queen Elizabeth went to the Pearly Gates on the same day. They both met with an angel to find out if they would be admitted to Heaven.
The angel said: “Unfortunately, there’s only one space available in Heaven today so I must decide which one of you will be admitted.”
The angel asked Stormy if there was some particular reason why she should go to Heaven. Stormy took off her top and said: “Look at these, they’re the most perfect breasts God ever created and I’m sure it will please God to be able to see them every day, for eternity.”
The angel thanked Stormy, and asked Her Majesty, Queen Elizabeth the same question. The Queen walked over to a toilet, pulled the lever and flushed it without saying a word.
The Angel immediately said: “Okay, your Majesty, you may go into Heaven.”
Stormy was outraged and asked, “What was that all about? I showed you two of God’s own perfect creations and you turned me down. She simply flushed a commode and she got admitted to Heaven! Would you explain that to me?”
“Sorry, Stormy,” said the Angel, “but even in Heaven, a royal flush beats a pair, no matter how big they are.”
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A filthy rich Florida man decided that he wanted to throw a party and invited all of his buddies and neighbors. He also invited Leroy, the only Redneck in the neighborhood. He held the party around the pool in the backyard of his mansion.
Leroy was having a good time drinking, dancing, eating shrimp, oysters and BBQ and flirting with all the women. At the height of the party, the host said, I have a 10 foot man-eating gator in my pool and I ’ll give a million dollars to anyone who has the nerve to jump in. The words were barely out of his mouth when there was a loud splash.
Everyone turned around and saw Leroy in the pool! Leroy was fighting the gator and kicking its rear! Leroy was jabbing it in the eyes with his thumbs, throwing punches, head butts and choke holds, biting the gator on the tail and flipping it through the air like some kind of Judo Instructor. The water was churning and splashing everywhere. Both Leroy and the gator were screaming and raising heck. Finally Leroy strangled the gator and let it float to the top like a dime store goldfish. Leroy then slowly climbed out of the pool. Everybody was just staring at him in disbelief.
Finally the host says, ‘Well, Leroy, I reckon I owe you a million dollars.’ ‘No, that’s okay. I don’t want it,’ said Leroy. The rich man said, ‘Man, I have to give you something You won the bet. How about half a million bucks then?’ No thanks, I don’t want it,’ answered Leroy.
The host said, ‘Come on, I insist on giving you something. That was amazing. How about a new Porsche and a Rolex and some stock options?’ Again Leroy said no. Confused, the rich man asked, ‘Well, Leroy, then what do you want?’ Leroy said, ’ I want the name of the sumbich who pushed me in the pool!’
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A man in Denver, CO. decided to write a book about churches around the country. He started by flying to San Francisco, and started working east from there. Going to a very large church, he began taking photographs and making notes. He spotted a golden telephone on the vestibule wall and was intrigued with a sign which read "$10,000 a minute."
Seeking out the pastor he asked ab...out the phone. The pastor answered that this golden phone is, in fact, a direct line to Heaven and if he pays the price he can talk directly to God.
The man thanked the pastor and continued on his way. As he continued to visit churches in Seattle, Austin, Green Bay, Chicago, Milwaukee, and all around the United States, he found more phones, with the same sign, and got the same answer from each pastor..Finally, he arrived in Texas . Upon entering a church in Fort Worth, Tx., behold, he saw the usual golden telephone. But THIS time, the sign read "Calls: 25 cents. Fascinated, he asked to talk to the pastor.
"Reverend, I have been in cities all across the country and in each church, I have found this golden telephone and have been told it is a direct line to Heaven and that I could talk to God, but, in the other churches the cost was $10,000 a minute. Your sign reads 25 cents a call. Why?"
The pastor, smiling, replied, "Son, you're in Texas now. This is God's country...it's a local call."
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Comment by metub4 on May 22, 2018 at 7:58am
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Understanding Engineers #1
Two A&M engineering students were biking across a university campus when one said, "Where did you get such a great bike?"
The second engineer replied, "Well, I was walking along yesterday, minding my own business, when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike, threw it to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, "Take what you want." The first engineer nodded approvingly and said, "Good choice, the clothes probably wouldn't have fit you anyway."
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How about some bunny humor ?
Two rabbits are running from a group of foxes. They hide in a pile of hay. One rabbit says to the other, "Okay, we can run for it, or we can stay here and outnumber them.” And the other rabbit replies, "We’re going to run for it, you idiot! I'm your brother.”
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