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Comment by Aggie on August 2, 2018 at 1:24pm

When at an overnight at a hotel away from home. I took my computer down to the bar to do work on some financials and do some email.

I sat down at the bar and I asked the bartender, ‘What’s the Wi-Fi password?’

Bartender: 'You need to buy a drink first.'
Me: 'Okay, I’ll have a beer.'

Bartender: 'We have Molson’s Canadian on tap'
Me: 'Sure. How much is that?'
Bartender: '$8.00.'

Me: 'Here you are. OK, now what’s the Wi-Fi password?'

Bartender: ‘youneedtobuyadrinkfirst' - No spaces and all lowercase.

Comment by Aggie on July 18, 2018 at 7:30am

Comment by Aggie on July 17, 2018 at 2:34pm

I hate it when you offer someone a sincere compliment on their mustache and suddenly she's not your friend anymore.

Comment by Aggie on July 9, 2018 at 9:00am

Comment by Aggie on July 3, 2018 at 9:52pm

Please don't say "Firecracker" it's offensive!

The correct term is "fire caucasian".

Comment by Aggie on July 1, 2018 at 10:08am

The king wanted to go fishing, and he asked the royal weather forecaster the forecast for the next few hours.
The palace meteorologist assured him that there was no chance of rain.

So the king and the queen started out for their day of fishing. On the way, he met a man with a fishing pole riding on a donkey, and he asked the man if the fish were biting. The fisherman said, "Your Majesty, you should return to the palace! In just a short time I expect a huge storm."

The king replied: "I hold the palace meteorologist in high regard. He is an educated and experienced professional. Besides, I pay him very high wages. He gave me a very different forecast. I trust him."

So the king continued on his way. However, in a short time, a torrential rain fell from the sky. The King and Queen were totally soaked. Furious, the king returned to the palace and gave the order to fire the meteorologist.

Then he summoned the fisherman and offered him the prestigious position of a royal forecaster. The fisherman said, "Your Majesty, I do not know anything about forecasting. I obtain my information from my donkey. If I see my donkey's ears drooping, it means with certainty that...it will rain."

So the king hired the donkey.

And thus began the practice of hiring dumb asses to work in influential positions of government. The practice is unbroken to this date.

Comment by Aggie on June 30, 2018 at 6:10pm

Stormy Daniels and Queen Elizabeth went to the Pearly Gates on the same day. They both met with an angel to find out if they would be admitted to Heaven.

The angel said: “Unfortunately, there’s only one space available in Heaven today so I must decide which one of you will be admitted.”

The angel asked Stormy if there was some particular reason why she should go to Heaven. Stormy took off her top and said: “Look at these, they’re the most perfect breasts God ever created and I’m sure it will please God to be able to see them every day, for eternity.”

The angel thanked Stormy, and asked Her Majesty, Queen Elizabeth the same question. The Queen walked over to a toilet, pulled the lever and flushed it without saying a word.

The Angel immediately said: “Okay, your Majesty, you may go into Heaven.”

Stormy was outraged and asked, “What was that all about? I showed you two of God’s own perfect creations and you turned me down. She simply flushed a commode and she got admitted to Heaven! Would you explain that to me?”

“Sorry, Stormy,” said the Angel, “but even in Heaven, a royal flush beats a pair, no matter how big they are.”

Comment by Aggie on June 24, 2018 at 6:28pm

A filthy rich Florida man decided that he wanted to throw a party and invited all of his buddies and neighbors. He also invited Leroy, the only Redneck in the neighborhood. He held the party around the pool in the backyard of his mansion.

Leroy was having a good time drinking, dancing, eating shrimp, oysters and BBQ and flirting with all the women. At the height of the party, the host said, I have a 10 foot man-eating gator in my pool and I ’ll give a million dollars to anyone who has the nerve to jump in. The words were barely out of his mouth when there was a loud splash.

Everyone turned around and saw Leroy in the pool! Leroy was fighting the gator and kicking its rear! Leroy was jabbing it in the eyes with his thumbs, throwing punches, head butts and choke holds, biting the gator on the tail and flipping it through the air like some kind of Judo Instructor. The water was churning and splashing everywhere. Both Leroy and the gator were screaming and raising heck. Finally Leroy strangled the gator and let it float to the top like a dime store goldfish. Leroy then slowly climbed out of the pool. Everybody was just staring at him in disbelief.

Finally the host says, ‘Well, Leroy, I reckon I owe you a million dollars.’ ‘No, that’s okay. I don’t want it,’ said Leroy. The rich man said, ‘Man, I have to give you something You won the bet. How about half a million bucks then?’ No thanks, I don’t want it,’ answered Leroy.

The host said, ‘Come on, I insist on giving you something. That was amazing. How about a new Porsche and a Rolex and some stock options?’ Again Leroy said no. Confused, the rich man asked, ‘Well, Leroy, then what do you want?’ Leroy said, ’ I want the name of the sumbich who pushed me in the pool!’

Comment by Aggie on June 23, 2018 at 8:58pm

Comment by Aggie on June 22, 2018 at 9:47am

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