Keep Laughing!

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Comment by Aggie on September 19, 2018 at 7:44am

Comment by Aggie on September 18, 2018 at 1:05pm

Observations
There are two sides to every divorce: Yours and dipshit's.
The closest I ever got to a 4.0 in college was my blood alcohol content.
I live in my own little world, but it's OK. Everyone knows me here.
I saw a very large woman wearing a sweatshirt with "Guess" on it. I said, "Left Tackle?"
I don't do drugs. I find I get the same effect just by standing up really fast.
I don't like political jokes. I've seen too many get elected.
The most precious thing we have is life, yet it has absolutely no trade-in value.
If life deals you lemons, make lemonade. If life deals you tomatoes, make Bloody Mary's.
Shopping tip: You can get shoes for a buck at bowling alleys.
Every day I beat my previous record of consecutive days I've stayed alive.
No one ever says, "It's only a game!" when their team's winning.
Marriage changes passion . . . suddenly you're in bed with a relative.
Why is it that most nudists are people you don't want to see naked?
Snowmen fall from Heaven unassembled.
Now that food has replaced sex in my life, I can't even get into my own pants.
I signed up for an exercise class and was told to wear loose fitting clothing. If I HAD any loose fitting clothing, I wouldn't need the freakin' class!
Don't argue with an idiot; people watching may not be able to tell the difference.
Wouldn't you know it! Brain cells come and brain cells go, but FAT cells live forever.
Why is it that our children can't read a Bible in school, but they can in prison.

Comment by flippr 2.0 on September 10, 2018 at 3:53am

Comment by Aggie on September 7, 2018 at 3:09pm

Comment by Aggie on September 6, 2018 at 12:53pm

Subject: Will I Live to see 90?
From a 70+ year old friend
(Here's something to think about.)
I recently had to choose a new primary care doctor.
After two visits and exhaustive lab tests, she said I was doing fairly well for my age. (I am seventy plus).
A little concerned about that comment, I couldn't resist asking her, 'Do you think I'll live to be 90?'
She asked, 'Do you smoke tobacco, or drink beer, wine or hard liquor?'
'Oh no,' I replied. 'I'm not doing drugs, either!'
Then she asked, 'Do you eat rib-eye steaks and barbecued ribs?'
'I said, 'Not much... My former doctor said that all red meat is very unhealthy!'
'Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf, boating, sailing, hiking, or bicycling?'
'No, I don't,' I said.
She asked, 'Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or have a lot of sex?'
'No,' I said.........
She looked at me and said,
'Then, why do you even give a crap ?'

Comment by metub4 on September 1, 2018 at 7:25am

I'm going to spend Labor Day putting my liver to work.

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If a train station is where the train stops, and a bus station is where the bus stops, what is a work station?

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If today is Labor Day, how many babies were born?

Did you hear about the Labor Day joke? It doesn't work for me.

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The best way to celebrate Labor Day is by filing for unemployment.

In the week before Labor Day, Eli, a dirt-poor country farmer won the Lottery - half a million dollars. So to celebrate, he treated his wife and their four kids to a trip to see the Labor Day parade in New York.

He booked them rooms in the Sheraton International at the corner of Park Circle and Central Park North. They'd never been to anywhere like New York before, in fact they'd never traveled further afield than their local town, so when they got there they were completely bowled over by all the glitz, glamor and excitement of the "Big Apple".

Eli and his son Clem were particularly mesmerized by a shiny box with silver walls in the hotel reception. They'd never before come across doors that could move apart, and then automatically close again, as neither had seen an elevator before. So they were totally amazed when a little old lady entered the shiny box and the doors closed on her. The lights on the wall by the doors flashed for a minute or so, then the doors opened and out stepped a beautiful young woman.

Eli turned to Clem and said, "Son, go get your mother."

If all wealth is gained through labor, why is it that the wealthy never have to do any?

This Labor Day, take comfort in the knowledge that the pressure to have fun this summer is finally off.

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Comment by Aggie on August 29, 2018 at 10:04am

Comment by flippr 2.0 on August 29, 2018 at 9:50am

Comment by Aggie on August 29, 2018 at 8:23am

Comment by flippr 2.0 on August 28, 2018 at 3:37am

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