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Comment by Aggie on February 6, 2020 at 6:46pm

I talked to a homeless man this morning and asked him how he ended up this way.
He said, "Up until last week, I still had it all. I had plenty to eat, my clothes were washed and pressed, I had a roof over my head, I had TV and Internet, and I went to the gym, the pool, and the library. I was working on my MBA on-line. I had no bills and no debt. I even had full medical and dental coverage."
I felt sorry for him, so I asked, "What happened? Drugs? Alcohol? Divorce?"
"Oh no, nothing like that," he said. I just got out of prison..."

Comment by Aggie on February 1, 2020 at 8:12am

Comment by Aggie on January 21, 2020 at 6:58am

The psychology instructor had just finished a lecture on mental health and was giving an oral test. Speaking specifically about manic depression, she asked, "How would you diagnose a patient who walks back and forth screaming at the top of his lungs one minute, then sits in a chair weeping uncontrollably the next?" A young man in the rear raised his hand and answered, 'A basketball coach?'

Comment by Aggie on January 20, 2020 at 12:15pm

I was in the express lane at the store quietly fuming. Completely ignoring the sign, the woman ahead of me had slipped into the check-out line pushing a cart piled high with groceries. Imagine my delight when the cashier beckoned the woman to come forward, looked into the cart and asked sweetly, "So which ten items would you like to buy?"

Comment by Aggie on January 2, 2020 at 11:59am

I am posting this with a heavy heart.

I love cows and everything that comes with it... but I am officially done in 2020. This is taking up too much of my time. I’m struggling to keep up with the everyday chores of cooking, cleaning and maintaining my home, so something has to give. I have decided to get rid of all my gear.
Below is a list of what's available. Serious inquiries only, and please don't insult me with low offers.
Thanks for reading and understanding...
1. Vacuum cleaner
2. Dustpan and broom
3. Mop and bucket
4. Lawn Mower
5. Leaf blower
6. Laundry detergent
7. Iron
8. Stove
9. washer dryer
Anything helps for more cow supplies.

HAPPY NEW YEAR everyone!

Comment by Aggie on November 11, 2019 at 7:52pm

Comment by Aggie on October 13, 2019 at 11:15am

Comment by Aggie on October 6, 2019 at 3:00pm

Funny, but creepy!
CALLER:
Is this Gordon's Pizza?
GOOGLE:
No Sir, it's Google Pizza.
CALLER:
I must have dialed a wrong number. Sorry.
GOOGLE:
No Sir, Google bought Gordon’s Pizza last month.
CALLER:
OK. I would like to order a pizza.
GOOGLE:
Do you want your usual, Sir?
CALLER:
My usual? You know me?
GOOGLE:
According to our caller ID data sheet, the last 12 times you called you ordered an extra-large pizza with three cheeses, sausage, pepperoni, mushrooms and meatballs on a thick crust.
CALLER:
OK! That’s what I want …
GOOGLE:
May I suggest that this time you order a pizza with ricotta, arugula, sun-dried tomatoes and olives on a whole wheat gluten-free thin crust?
CALLER:
What? I hate vegetables!
GOOGLE:
Your cholesterol is not good, Sir.
CALLER:
How the hell do you know ???
GOOGLE:
Well, we cross-referenced your home phone number with your medical records. We have the result of your blood tests for the last 7 years.
CALLER:
Okay, but I do not want your rotten vegetable pizza! I already take medication for my cholesterol.
GOOGLE:
Excuse me Sir, but you have not taken your medication regularly. According to our database, you only purchased a box of 30 cholesterol tablets once, at Drug RX Network, 4 months ago.
CALLER:
I bought more from another drugstore.
GOOGLE:
That doesn’t show on your credit card statement.
CALLER:
I paid in cash.
GOOGLE:
But you did not withdraw enough cash according to your bank statement.
CALLER:
I have other sources of cash.
GOOGLE:
That doesn’t show on your last tax return unless you bought them using an undeclared income source, which is against the law.
CALLER:
WHAT THE HELL!!!
GOOGLE:
I'm sorry, Sir, we use such information only with the sole intention of helping you.
CALLER:
Enough already! I'm sick to death of Google, Facebook, Twitter, WhatsApp and all the others. I'm going to an island without internet, cable TV, where there is no cell phone service and no one to watch me or spy on me.
GOOGLE:
I understand Sir, but you need to renew your passport first. It expired 6 weeks ago.

Comment by Aggie on September 29, 2019 at 11:33am

Comment by Aggie on September 16, 2019 at 8:59pm

Lost on a rainy night, a nun stumbles across a monastery and requests shelter there. Fortunately, she's just in time for dinner and was treated to the best fish and chips she had ever tasted. After dinner, she went into the kitchen to thank the chefs. She was met by two of the Brothers. The first one says, 'Hello, I am Brother Michael and this is Brother Charles.' 'I'm very pleased to meet you,' replies the nun. 'I just wanted to thank you for a wonderful dinner. The fish and chips were the best I've ever had. Out of curiosity, who cooked what?' Brother Charles replied, 'Well, I'm the fish friar.' She turned to the other Brother and said, 'Then you must be....?' 'Yes, I'm afraid so -- I am the chip monk.'

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