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Comment by Aggie on November 1, 2010 at 9:19pm
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Oh, Those Cowboys!
I don't want to cause anyone further upset, but these are funny.
The Texas State Police are cracking down on speeders heading into Dallas .
For the first offense, they give you 2 Dallas Cowboy tickets.
If you get stopped a second time, they make you use them.
Q. What do you call 47 millionaires around a TV watching the Super Bowl?
A. The Dallas Cowboys
Q. What do the Dallas Cowboys and Billy Graham have in common?
A. They both can make 70,000 people stand up and yell "Jesus Christ".
Q. How do you keep a Dallas Cowboy out of your yard?
A. Put up a goal post.
Q. What do you call a Dallas Cowboy with a Super Bowl ring?
A. Old
Q. What's the difference between the Dallas Cowboys and a dollar bill?
A. You can still get four quarters out of a dollar bill.
Q. How many Dallas Cowboys does it take to win a Super Bowl?
A. Nobody remembers.
Q. What do the Cowboys and a possums have in common?
A. Both play dead at home and get killed on the road!
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Mother's Milk
Students in an advanced Biology class were taking their mid-term exam. The last question was, 'Name seven advantages of Mother's Milk,' worth 70 points or none at all. One student, in particular, was hard put to think of seven advantages. He wrote:
1.) It is perfect formula for the child.
2.) It provides immunity against several diseases.
3.) It is always the right temperature.
4.) It is inexpensive.
5.) It bonds the child to mother, and vice versa.
6.) It is always available as needed.
And then, the student was stuck. Finally, in desperation, just before the bell indicating the end of the test rang, he wrote...
,,,,,,,,,,,,.
,,,,,,,,,,,,
,,,,,,,,,,,,
,,,,,,,,,,,,
,,,,,,,,,,,,
,,,,,,,,,,,,,
7.) It comes in 2 cute containers.
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Have you seen a pink 1958 Volvo tractor?
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Comment by Lowell Brandon on April 30, 2010 at 9:22am
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After getting all of the Pope's luggage loaded into the limo (and he doesn't travel light), the driver notices that the Pope is still standing on the curb.
"Excuse me, Your Eminence," says the driver, "Would you please take your seat so we can leave?"
"Well, to tell you the truth," says the Pope, "They never let me drive at the Vatican, and I'd really like to drive today."
"I'm sorry but I cannot let you do that. I'd lose my job!
And what if something should happen?" protests the driver, wishing he'd never gone to work that morning.
"There might be something extra in it for you," says the Pope.
Reluctantly, the driver gets in the back as the Pope climbs in behind the wheel. The driver quickly regrets his decision when, after exiting the airport, the Supreme Pontiff floors it, accelerating the limo to 105 mph.
"Please slow down, Your Holiness!!!" pleads the worried driver, but the Pope keeps the pedal to the metal until they hear sirens.
"Oh, dear God, I'm gonna lose my license," moans the driver.
The Pope pulls over and rolls down the window as the cop approaches, but the cop takes one look at him, goes back to his motorcycle, and gets on the radio.
"I need to talk to the Chief," he says to the dispatcher.
The Chief gets on the radio and the cop tells him that he's stopped a limo going a 105.
"So bust him," said the Chief.
"I don't think we want to do that, he's really important," said the cop.
Chief exclaimed, "All the more reason!"
"No, I mean really important," said the cop.
The Chief then asked, "Who ya got there, the Mayor?"
Cop:"Bigger."
Chief:"Governor?"
Cop:"Bigger."
"Well," said the Chief,"Who is it?"
Cop: "I think it's God!"
Chief:"What makes you think it's God?"
Cop:"He's got the Pope for a limo driver!"
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On the first day of training for a parachute jump, the instructor made an important point about preparing for landing at 300 feet.
"How do you know when you're at 300 feet?" asked one woman.
"A good question," replied the instructor. "At 300 feet you can recognize the faces of people on the ground."
The woman thought about this for awhile before saying, "What happens if there's no one there I know?"
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Comment by Margie Arias on April 24, 2010 at 1:05pm
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An 80-year old Italian man goes to the doctor for a check-up.
The doctor is amazed at what good shape the guy is in and asks, "How
do you stay in such great physical condition?"*
I'm Italian and I am a golfer," says the old guy," and that's why
I'm in such good shape." I'm up well before daylight and out golfing up*
and down the fairways." "Have a glass of vino, and all is well."
Well, says the doctor, "I'm sure that helps, but there's got to
be more to it. How old was your Dad when he died?"*
Who said my Dad's dead?"*
The doctor is amazed "You mean you're 80 years old and your
Dad's still alive. How old is he?"*
He's 100 years old," says the old Italian golfer. "In fact he
golfed with me this morning, and then we went to the topless beach
for a walk, that's why he's still alive ... he's Italian and he's a
golfer too."*
Well," the doctor says, "that's great, but I'm sure there's more
to it than that. How about your Dad's Dad? How old was he when he
died?"*
Who said my grandpa's dead?"*
Stunned, the doctor asks, "You mean you're 80 years old and
your grandfather's still living! Incredible, how old is he?"*
He's 118 years old," says the old Italian golfer. *
The doctor is getting frustrated at this point, "So, I guess he went
golfing with you this morning too?"*
No. Grandpa couldn't go this morning because he's getting
married today."*
At this point the doctor is close to losing it. "Getting
married!! Why would a 118 year-old guy want to get married?"*
Who said he wanted to?"*
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"Umíte plavat?"
"Ano."
"A kde jste se to naučil?"
"Ve vodě."
"Do you know how to swim?"
"Yes."
"And where did you learn it?"
"In the water."
Posted for our Czech friends
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