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The Place to crack up! Laughing is allowed 24/7!
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Discussion Forum
Blondes, Aggies, Pollocks, Morons, Little Patsy, Lena and Ole 396 Replies
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Sharing The Joy Of All Animals 94 Replies
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Comment Wall
Comment
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Comment by Aggie on November 22, 2010 at 7:41pm
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Things you can say at Thanksgiving and get away with!
1 . Talk about a huge breast!
2 . Tying the legs together keeps the inside moist.
3. It's Cool Whip time!
4. If I don't undo my pants, I'll burst!
5. Whew, that's one terrific spread!
6. I'm in the mood for a little dark meat.
7. Are you ready for seconds yet?
8. It's a little dry, do you still want to eat it?
9. Just wait your turn, you'll get some!
10. Don't play with your meat.
11. Just spread the legs open and stuff it in.
12. D o you think you'll be able to handle all these people at once?
13. I didn't expect everyone to come at once!
14. You still have a little bit on your chin.
15. How long will it take after you stick it in?
16. You'll know it's ready when it pops up.
17. Wow, I didn't think I could handle all of that!
18. That's the biggest one I've ever seen!
19. How long do I beat it before it's ready?
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Comment by Slayer Dug on November 22, 2010 at 2:51pm
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A little boy got on the bus, sat next to a man reading a book, and
noticed he had his collar on backwards. The little boy asked why he
wore his collar backwards.
The man, who was a priest, said, 'I am a Father.'
The little boy replied, 'My Daddy doesn't wear his collar like that.'
The priest looked up from his book and answered, ''I am the Father of
many.'
The boy said, ''My Dad has 4 boys, 4 girls and two grandchildren and
he doesn't wear his collar that way!'
The priest, getting impatient, said 'I am the Father of hundreds',
and went back to reading his book. The little boy sat quietly thinking for a while, then leaned over and
said, 'Maybe you should wear a condom and put your pants on backwards instead of your collar.'
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A man walks into a bar and at the end of the bar he sees the owner drinking with his mule.
Above the bar is a sign that reads: "$100 To The Person That Makes The Mule Laugh"
Below that line is another tat reads: "$500 To The Person That Makes The Mule Cry"
Behind the bar is a jar loaded with money from patrons that have tried and failed.
After a few drinks the man decides he's going to win all the money in the jar and announces
it to everybody in the bar. The owner thinking the man is just drunk and has money to lose,
looks at the man and says, "You're on, stranger. Many men have come before you and they
only managed to make my mule laugh. Nobody has ever made my mule cry. There's no way in
Hell that jar full of money is ever leaving this bar.
The man and the mule exit through the back door of the bar and within a few minutes everybody
in the bar hears the old familiar sound of the mule laughing hysterically. After a brief period of silence,
everybody in the bar hears a sound they had never heard nor did they think they would ever hear; the mule crying like a baby.
The man and the mule walk back into the bar and the bartender seeing the tears in the mule's eyes and having heard like everybody else in the bar having heard the mule cry, gives the man all the money in the jar.
After settling his tab, the man takes the prize money and starts for the door. Before he can leave, the owner of the bar and the mule looks at the man and says, "Stranger, many men have come in and accepted the challenge and made my mule laugh but none had ever made my mule cry. Now, before you walk out of here with all that money, will you please tell me and everybody here in the bar how you managed to make my mule cry?"
The man looks at the owner and says, "Well first I took your mule out back and told him that I have a bigger d*ck than he has and he started laughing like a hyena. He started crying like a baby when I took it out and showed him."
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An old, blind cowboy wanders into an all-girl biker bar by mistake.
He finds his way to a bar stool and orders a shot of Jack Daniels.
After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender, 'Hey, you wanna
hear a blonde joke?'
The bar immediately falls absolutely silent.
In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says,
'Before you tell that joke, Cowboy, I think it is only fair,Given that you
are blind, that you should know five things:
1. The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat.
2. The bouncer is a blonde girl.
3. I'm a 6-foot tall, 175-pound blonde woman with a black belt in karate.
4. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weight lifter.
5. The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler.
Now, think about it seriously, Cowboy. Do you still wanna tell that blonde
joke?'
The blind cowboy thinks for a second, shakes his head and mutters, 'No...not
if I'm gonna have to explain it five times.'
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Comment by metub4 on November 21, 2010 at 6:01am
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A girl was visiting her blond friend who had acquired two new dogs, and asked her what their names were.
The blonde responded by saying that one was named Rolex and one was named Timex.
Her friend said, "Whoever heard of someone naming dogs like that?"
"HelOOOooo," answered the blond. "They're watch dogs!
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HANDICAPPED PARROT
A guy is browsing in a pet shop and sees a parrot sitting
on a little Perch. It doesn't have any feet or legs. The guy says
aloud, Jeesh, I wonder what happened to this Parrot?
The parrot says, "I was born this way. I'm a defective parrot."
Holy crap," the guy replies. "You actually understood and
answered me!"
I got every word," says the parrot. "I happen to be a
highly intelligent, thoroughly educated bird."
Oh yeah?" the guy asks, "Then answer this -- how do you
hang onto your perch without any feet?"
Well," the parrot says, "this is very embarrassing but
since you asked, I wrap my weenie around this wooden bar like a little
hook. You can't see it because of my feathers."
Wow," says the guy. "You really can understand and speak
English can't you?"
"Actually, I speak both Spanish and English, and I can
converse with reasonable competence on almost any topic: politics,
religion, sports, physics, philosophy. I'm especially good
at ornithology. You really ought to buy me. I'd be a great
companion."
The guy looks at the $200 price tag. "Sorry, but I just
can't afford that."
Pssssssst," says the parrot, "I'm defective, so the truth
is, nobody wants me cause I don't have any feet. You can probably get
me for $20, just make the guy an offer!"
The guy offers $20 and walks out with the parrot. Weeks go
by. The parrot is sensational. He has a great sense of humor, he's
interesting, he's a great pal, he understands everything,
he sympathizes, and he's insightful. The guy is delighted.
One day the guy comes home from work and the parrot goes,
psssssssssssst," and motions him over with one wing. I
don't know if should tell you this or not, but it's about your
wife and the postman."
What are you talking about?" asks the guy.
When the postman delivered the mail today, your wife
greeted him at the door in a sheer black nightie and kissed him
passionately."
WHAT???" the guy asks incredulously. "THEN what happened?"
Well, then the postman came into the house and lifted up
her nightie and began petting her all over," reported the parrot.
Oh No!" he exclaims. "Then what?"
Then he lifted up the nightie, got down on his knees and
began to kiss her all over, starting with her breasts and slowly going
down...."
WELL," demands the frantic guy, "THEN WHAT HAPPENED?"
"Damned if I know. I got an erection and fell off my perch!"
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Translation
One day, a Navajo elder and his son came across the space crew walking among the rocks. The elder, who spoke only Navajo, asked a question. His son translated for the NASA people: "What are these guys in the big suits doing?" One of the astronauts said that they were practicing for a trip to the moon. When his son relayed this comment, the Navajo elder got all excited and asked if it would be possible to give to the astronauts a message to deliver to the moon.
Recognizing a promotional opportunity when he saw one, a NASA official accompanying the astronauts said, "Why certainly!" and told an underling to get a tape recorder.
The Navajo elder's comments into the microphone were brief. The NASA official asked the son if he would translate what his father had said. The son listened to the recording and laughed uproariously, but he refused to translate.
So the NASA people took the tape to a nearby Navajo village and played it for other members of the tribe. They too laughed long and loudly but also refused to translate the elder's message to the moon. Finally, an official government translator was summoned. After he finally stopped laughing the translator relayed the message:
"Watch out for these pricks. They have come to steal your land."
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