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Comment by metub4 on January 12, 2011 at 1:57pm

Only once a week

Maurie was not having a good day on the golf course. After he missed a twelve inch putt, his partner asked him what the problem was.

"It's the wife" said Maurie. "As you know, she's taken up golf, and since she's been playing, she's cut my sex down to once a week."

"Well you should think yourself lucky," said his partner. "She's cut some of us out altogether!"

Comment by metub4 on January 12, 2011 at 1:56pm

A blonde is standing by the first tee waiting for her golf lesson from the resident professional. A foursome is in process of teeing off. The first golfer addresses the ball and swings, hitting it 230 yards straight down the middle of the fairway.

"That was a good shot," said the blonde. "Not bad considering my impediment," said the golfer. "What do you mean?" said the blonde. "I have a glass eye," said the golfer. "I don't believe you, show me," said the blonde. He popped his eye out and showed her.

The next golfer addresses the ball and swings, hitting it 240 yards straight down the middle of the fairway. "That was a good shot," said the blonde. "Not bad considering my impediment," said the golfer. "What's wrong with you?" said the blonde. "I have a prosthetic arm," said the golfer. "I don't believe you, show me" said the blonde, so he screwed his arm off and showed her.

The next golfer addresses the ball and swings, hitting it 250 yards straight down the middle of the fairway. "That was a good shot," said the blonde. "Not bad considering my impediment," said the golfer. "What's wrong with you?" said the blonde. "I have a prosthetic leg," said the golfer. "I don't believe you, show me" said the blonde, so he screwed his leg off and showed her.

The fourth golfer addresses the ball and swings, hitting it 280 yards straight down the middle of the fairway. "That was a wonderful shot," said the blonde. "Not bad considering my impediment," said the golfer. "What's wrong with you?" said the blonde. "I have an artificial heart," said the golfer. "I don't believe you, show me" said the blonde.

"I can't show you out here in the open," said the golfer. "Come around here behind the Pro-Shop." As they had not returned within five minutes, his golfing mates decided to go and see what was holding them up.

As they turned the corner behind the Pro-Shop, sure enough, there he was, screwing his heart out.

Comment by metub4 on January 12, 2011 at 1:56pm

Bride Kidnapped
A couple had not been married for long, when the husband came home one day to find that his bride had disappeared. He got very worried and gathered up all his friends to search for his wife with no success.

Two days after his wife disappeared the man returned home to find her in the kitchen. He asked her what she had been up to and why she hadn’t been home for so long.

She replied:

“These four men kidnapped me and had wild sex with me for a week.”

The husband answered:

“But it’s only been two days what do you mean a week?”

“I am just here to get something to eat.”

Comment by Aggie on January 11, 2011 at 9:59pm

Grandpa and Little Johnny are sitting on a bench in the park.

Johnny asked, "Grandpa are you going to take that new
Viagra?"

Grandpa looks at him and says "No Johnny, I will not."

"But Grandpa, why?" asks little Johnny. Grandpa replies.

"Because there is no sense in putting lead in your pencil if you
have no one worth writing to."

Comment by Aggie on January 11, 2011 at 9:50pm

A blonde got lost in her car in a snow storm. She remembered what her dad had once told her. "If you ever get stuck in a snow storm, wait for a snow plow and follow it." Pretty soon a snow plow came by, and she started to follow it. She followed the plow for about forty five minutes. Finally the driver of the truck got out and asked her what she was doing. She explained that her dad had told her if she ever got stuck in the snow, to follow a plow.The driver nodded and said, "Well, I'm done with the Wal-Mart parking lot, now you can follow me over to K-Mart."

Comment by Aggie on January 11, 2011 at 9:49pm

A redhead walks into a sports bar around 9:58 PM. She sits down next to this blonde at the bar and stares up at the TV. The 10:00 news was on. The news crew was covering a story of a man on a ledge of a large building preparing to jump.

The redhead turns to the blonde and says, "You know, I bet he'll jump."

The blonde replied, "Well, I bet he won't."

The redhead placed $20 dollars on the bar and said, "You're on!"

Just as the blonde placed her money on the bar, the guy did a swan dive off of the building, falling to his death. The blonde was very upset and handed her $20 dollars to the redhead and said, "All is fair. Here is your money."

The redhead replies, "Honey, I can't take your money, I saw this earlier on the 5 o'clock news and knew he would jump."

The blonde replies, "I did too, but I didn't think he'd do it again"

Comment by Aggie on January 11, 2011 at 9:48pm

An older, white-haired man walked into a jewelry store one Friday evening with a beautiful young gal at his side.

He told the jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his new girlfriend. The jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring. The old man said, ‘No, I’d like
to see something more special.’

At that statement, the jeweler went to his special stock and brought another ring over… ‘Here’s a stunning ring at only $40,000' the jeweler said.

The young lady’s eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement. The old man seeing this said, ‘We’ll take it..’

The jeweler asked how payment would be made and the old man stated, ‘by check. I know you need to make sure my check is good, so I’ll write it now and you can call the bank
Monday to verify the funds and I’ll pick the ring up Monday afternoon,’ he said.

Monday morning, the jeweler phoned the old man..

‘There’s no money in that account.’

‘I know,’ said the old man, ‘But let me tell you about my weekend!’

Comment by Slayer Dug on January 11, 2011 at 7:14am

From a friend of mine in Nova Scotia. Enjoy!!!

 

Next time you use a pair of rubber gloves, you're going to smile when you  think of this:

A dentist noticed that his next patient,  a little old lady, was nervous, so he decided to tell her a little joke as he put on his gloves.

'Do you know  how they make these gloves?' he asked.

'No, I don't,'  she replied.

'Well,' he spoofed, 'there's a building in  Canada with a big tank of latex, and workers of all hand  sizes walk up to the tank, dip in their hands, let them  dry, then peel off the gloves and throw them into boxes of the right size.'

She didn't crack a  smile.

'Oh, well. I tried,' he thought.

But five minutes later, during a delicate portion of the procedure, she burst out laughing.

'What's so funny?' he asked. 

'I was just envisioning how condoms are made!' 

Comment by metub4 on January 11, 2011 at 4:28am

Aggie:   how much money did that shark take from you?   At least you were a good sport and shook his hand, or I mean paw, afterwards

Comment by Aggie on January 10, 2011 at 8:16pm

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