Keep Laughing!

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Comment by Aggie on May 24, 2011 at 7:45pm

Texting Codes

Texting Codes
Just a bit of humor.

Middle Age Texting Codes:
WTF- when's the funeral?
ATD -at the doctor.
BFF -best friend fell.
BTW -bring the wheelchair.
BYOT -bring your own teeth.
FWIW -forgot where I was.
GGPBL -gotta go, pacemaker battery low.
GHA -got heartburn again.
IMHO -is my hearing aid on?
LMDO -laughing my dentures out.
OMMR -on my massage recliner.
ROFLACGU -rolling on floor laughing and can't get up.
TTYL -talk to you louder!

Comment by metub4 on May 20, 2011 at 2:13pm

Three expectant mothers were sitting in the obstetrician's waiting room. Two of the ladies began to chat about their pregnancies, and their due dates and such.

One of the women said to the other, "I happen to know that my baby is going to be a boy, because when my baby was conceived, my husband was on top."

Replied the other woman, "Oh! That must mean that I'm going to have a girl, because when my baby was conceived, I was on top."

The third woman suddenly burst noisily into tears. Concerned, the other two ladies turned to her and asked, "My heavens, what ever is wrong?"

The third woman wailed tearfully, "I'm afraid that I may be having a puppy!"

Comment by metub4 on May 20, 2011 at 2:11pm

Please be advised that your Optirectomy operation is scheduled for 8:00 a.m.

The purpose of this operation is to sever the cord that connects your eyes to your rectum and, hopefully, get rid of your s***ty outlook on life. It has been noted that you have been in less than perfect humor lately.

Comment by metub4 on May 20, 2011 at 2:10pm

Having lunch one day, a sex therapist said to her friend, "According to a survey we just completed, ninety percent of all people masturbate in the shower. Only ten percent of them sing."

"Really?" asked the friend.

The therapist shook her head and proceeded to ask, "And do you know what song they sing?"

The friend nodded her head and replied, "No."

The therapist replied, "I didn't think so."

Comment by Aggie on May 18, 2011 at 5:16pm

I was a very happy man. My wonderful girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married. There was only one little thing bothering me...It was her beautiful younger sister.
My prospective sister-in-law was twenty-two, wore very tight mini skirts, and generally was bra-less. She would regularly bend down when she was near me, and I always got more than a nice view. It had to be deliberate because she never did it when she was near anyone else.
One day her 'little' sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived, and she whispered to me that she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome. She told me that she wanted me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister.
Well, I was in total shock and couldn't say a word.
She said, 'I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want one last wild fling, just come up and get me.'
I was stunned and frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs. I stood there for a moment, then turned and made a beeline straight to the front door. I opened the door, and headed straight towards my car.
Lord... And behold, my entire future family was standing outside, all clapping!
With tears in his eyes, my father-in-law hugged me and said, 'We are very happy that you have passed our little test. We couldn't ask for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family.'
And the moral of this story is:

and there is a moral to this .. a really good moral .. i'm sure you guys wanna know what it is doncha ?? ok then ... always keep your condoms in your car..

Comment by metub4 on May 18, 2011 at 1:35pm

A doctor was having an affair with his nurse. Shortly afterward, she told him that she was pregnant. Not wanting his wife to know, he gave the nurse a sum of money and asked her to go to Italy and have the baby there.

"But how will I let you know the baby is born?" she asked.

He replied, "Just send me a postcard and write "spaghetti" on the back. I'll take care of expenses." Not knowing what else to do, the nurse took the money and flew to Italy.

Six months went by, and then one day the doctor's wife called him at the office and said, "Dear, you received a very strange postcard in the mail today from Europe, and I don't understand what it means."

The doctor said, "Just wait until I get home and I will explain it to you."

Later that evening the doctor came home, read the postcard, and fell to the floor with a heart attack. Paramedics rushed him to the hospital emergency room. The head medic stayed back to comfort the wife. He asked what trauma had precipitated the cardiac arrest.

So the wife picked up the card and read: "Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti - Two with sausage and meatballs; two without."

Comment by Aggie on May 17, 2011 at 8:59pm

There was a very sweet old lady who was mailing an old family Bible to her brother in another part of the country.

"Is there anything breakable in here?" the postal clerk asked.

The old lady looked confused for a moment and answered, "The Ten Commandments?"

Comment by Aggie on May 17, 2011 at 8:56pm

While driving in Pennsylvania, a family caught up to an Amish carriage owned by someone who obviously had a sense of humor. Attached to the back of the carriage was a hand printed sign that read:

"Energy efficient vehicle: Runs on oats and grass. Caution: Do not step in exhaust."

Comment by Aggie on May 17, 2011 at 8:32pm

Doctor to old man: I just got done checking out your wife. I'm sorry to tell you, but she has acute angina.

Old Man: Sorry? That's why I married her!

Comment by Aggie on May 17, 2011 at 8:30pm

An elderly couple, in their 80's, went to a sex therapist's office and asks the doctor to watch them have sex. The doc is so amazed at such an elderly couple wanting sexual advise that he agrees. After watching them, the doc says, "There is absolutely nothing wrong with the way you have sex." He charges them $50 and they go on their way. The couple returns the next week and again ask the doc to watch them have sex. After several weeks of this, the doc finally asked the couple what they wanted him to find out. The old man replies, "we're not trying to find out anything. I'm married, so we can't go to my house, she's married so we can't go to her house. The Holiday Inn charges $98, the Hilton charges $139. We do it here for $50 and Medicare pays $43 of it, leaving me only $7 to pay to get some realations & since ur a doctor it's confidential!

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