I ran across this article about a woman in her forties who married a much older man....she loved him dearly, but regrets piled on top of regrets....so I was wondering...when dating, being with someone, marriage, etc....do you put a number to love/dating/marrige ? Is it a deal breaker if they are older/much older ? Thoughts.
Oh here is the article if interested...she had a really rough time and not all relationships would go this route, but it is something to think about ! Yikes !
Personally if you love someone, I think you should be able to stick through the bad times. Obviously the woman felt she was young and naive and made a bad choice, so that may play into such a decision, but it helps to know your priorities. They seem to have had a pretty plush life (they moved to France for goodness sake.) I wonder what she would have thought if she had developed the heart problem and had needed her toenails cut?
So perfectly put WS. It behoves men and women over 45 that at any given moment, the roles can ( and often will) be reversed.
Often I hear people speak who are in our age range - who should be more mature - and wise (for goodness-sake), say " I am not in LOVE - so how will/can it work!?! " Well - often "falling in love" is more about projection and fantasy and lust ( which has no mercy) than it is about authenticity and friendship and genuine care and comfort.
I don't trust lust, although I will give it the attention it may deserve. It takes me a long time to "fall in love" because love to my mind, must be earned. Over time. Friendship is much more important. A loving friendship can withstand anything. If the foundation is solid falling in love together - from time to time, is grand.
I am so sorry for your loss. Thank you for a beautiful tribute.
You took a great grand leap of faith, and had "22 lovely years together". That is more than most people can say, so well done to you both.
Even one year, indeed even a hug of a moment in time with the right person, can be transformational, and is worth the effort and the risk.
My sons wife is 17 years older than him. They have been married 25 years. He has always been older acting you know the kid that 3 going on 40! she is very young acting and she does all the things he likes to do, Hunting, snowmobiling, car racing. They seem to have it all together and not sure that age has anything to do with it. In fact he always says"Age only matters in wine and Cheese" Right now he is 50 and she is 67.
Very very cool!
I guess too I'm looking at a factor she mentioned....and that I've heard from some friends: the losing of sexual desire in an older guy (in this case...I know it works both ways), and becoming the Caretaker instead of the wife. Sure we can wear many hats, but what I've heard is that some times when the sex is lost and only the waitress/nurse/housefrau is left and that is all the guy wants and expects....no loving, no cuddling then what ?
Is the sexuality/desires in coupledom going caput enough to make you leave ? If the loving and cuddling and caring is gone, and only the caregiving is left is it selfish to say......no thanks ? I mean that's a part of growing old together....but if you see early on that a man or woman only wants a nursemaid companion....well heck, I'd leave and feel like I was being duped ! Yea or Nay ? (Note: let me clarify, I'm talking about women who've recently gotten together with a new partner and find that this is the case, not long standing couples)
I think that is a little different, Wolfdancer, but once again it (to me) would depend on the quality of the relationship and companionship. One can be a caregiver and still get a tremendous amount out of being with the person. If someone seems to be in a relationship simply to use the other person, then that is a whole different thing. (Of course, having said that, I have no children and will be facing being a burden on someone at some point in my life. I think our generation has a tendency to want the fun parts of life, but not want to accept the responsibilities that should go along with it.) Life is complicated. I guess that is one thing that makes it so interesting.
I think a lot would depend on if you have been in a long time committed relationship or a new one, particularly if it seems one is just looking for someone to care for them in old age.
Funny that you mention cutting of the toenails, when I had my hip replaced they don't let you bend over for a long long time, I told my surgeon that he was going to have to let me bend soon as I couldn't cut my toenails or shave my legs, He said"I guess you will have to find a really good friend". As it turned out the girl in his office gave me a gift certificate to get a pedicure,that had never crossed my mind. Didn't need to look for a friend to it.
....awww, how awesome is that ! Fabulous !
I remember on another site a couple of years ago, a really nice guy had a lady friend and they were getting close....dating, hanging out ya know....and then he took ill. thought maybe she'd bring over some soup and smiles and feel better vibes....instead, well she did come over too see how he was doing, and what this illness was about. It was I guess, I cant remember all of it...but she told him, she'd gone through a long illness with her husband and he was deceased and she couldn't handle a possible mate in her life being ill...so, she dumped him. No, let's be friends, I'm there for ya....etc...just dumped him!
Now that is extremem, and I get she didn't want to be too emotionally involved attached, but come on that was excessive but at our various ages, we never know. If she met someone who became invested in her and then said no I cant do this....I dunno its' a crapshoot right ?
But there are people looking for a caretaker/nurse/doctor in the house/cook/cleaner and ya just have to keep one eye really really open when getting involved....hmph!
In reply to Wolfdancer's latest comment - I am confronted with caring for my husband of 45 years who has COPD. Should he ever pass away before me, I would never get married again. There are so many personal things that I would like or could have on an agenda--no need for cooking or taking care of somebody else. P.S. - I do have "nursing home" insurance, which he is not eligible for, so hope not to be a burden for my children.
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