You're killing me Smalls.....

[Jaylee53]

This is completely just for laughs.... Do NOT think of posting anything serious or thought provoking here...EVER!

 

http://youtu.be/nGeKSiCQkPw

 

 

 

I mean it...... :-)

[funesthememorious]

Three Southerners, all appearing on a quiz program, were asked to complete this sentence:
"Old MacDonald had a . . ."

"Old MacDonald had a carburetor," answered the fellow from Mississippi.
"Sorry, that's wrong," the game show host said.
"Old MacDonald had a free brake alignment down at the
service station," said the guy from Alabama.
"Wrong."
"Old MacDonald had a farm," said the man from Tennessee.
"CORRECT!" shouts the quizmaster. "Now for $100,000, spell
'farm.'"
"Easy," he said. "E-I-E-I-O."

[CWO3ROBBIE]

Don't blame me for this. It was in my inbox. Along with an attached note stating that I had to forward this or terrible things would happen.  Such as: happy would  be the defendent in a paternity suit; birds would poop on my RV and I'd then have to wash it: Every week this summer I would have to go out in the heat and mow grass, and numerious other distasetful things. So, you see I had no choice.

 

Male Fairy Tale:

 

Once upon a time, a Prince asked a beautiful Princess, “Will you marry me?” The Princess said, “NO !!!” And the Prince lived happily ever after and rode motorcycles and banged skinny long-legged big tittied broads and hunted and fished and raced cars and went to naked bars and dated women half his age and drank whiskey, beer and Captain Morgan and never heard bitching and never paid child support or alimony and banged cheerleaders and kept his house and guns and ate spam and potato chips and beans and blew enormous farts and never got cheated on while he was at work and all his friends and family thought he was fricken cool as hell and he had tons of money in the bank and left the toilet seat down.

 

The End

 

[Merry]

Moral of the story................

 

Why buy the whole pig just to get a little sausage??

[Stir Young]

And I'm sure his mom still wished he'd find a nice girl and settle down. 

[Jaylee53]

Not so much a fairy tale methinks.

BTW, That's a really long sentence.

 

[CWO3ROBBIE]

Bubba and BillyBob was-a sittin' right there on the front porch, when a big truck hauling rolls and rolls of sod went by.

"I'm aimin' to do that when I win the lottery," said Bubba.

"Do whut?", sez BillyBob.

"Send my grass out to be mowed."

[Merry]

Awww, that's so cute!!

[TeeBubbaDee]

[funesthememorious]

[Jaylee53]

   Truest  words ever written....

[Merry]

I am definately a cat person.....................(draw your own conclusions), sounds like my diary from being in parochial school.

[TeeBubbaDee]

How To Give A Cat A Pill

1. Pick cat up and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth pop pill into mouth - allow cat to close mouth and swallow.
   
   
2. Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process.
   
   
3. Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away.
   
   
4. Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm holding rear paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of ten.
   
   
5. Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call spouse from garden.
   
   
6. Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold front and rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down ruler and rub cat's throat vigorously.
   
   
7. Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap. Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered figurines and vases from hearth and set to one side for gluing later.
   
   
8. Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with head just visible from below armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw, force mouth open with pencil and blow down drinking straw.
   
   
9. Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans, drink glass of water to take taste away. Apply Band-Aid to spouse's forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap.
   
   
10. Retrieve cat from neighbour's shed. Get another pill. Place cat in cupboard and close door onto neck to leave head showing. Force mouth open with dessertspoon. Flick pill down throat with elastic band.
    
    
11. Fetch screwdriver from garage and put cupboard door back on hinges. Apply cold compress to cheek and check records for date of last tetanus jab. Throw Tee shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom.
    
    
12. Ring fire brigade to retrieve cat from tree across the road. Apologise to neighbour who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat. Take last pill from foil-wrap.
    
    
13. Tie cat's front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of dining table, find heavy-duty pruning gloves from shed. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of fillet steak. Hold head vertically and pour 2 pints of water down throat to wash pill down.
    
    
14. Get spouse to drive you to the emergency room, sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and removes pill remnants from right eye. Call furniture shop on way home to order new table.
    
    
15. Arrange for RSPCA to collect cat and ring local pet shop to see if they have any hamsters.
    
    

How To Give A Dog A Pill

1. Wrap it in bacon.