Mr. Number

[Bmichael]

An important thing to remember when you get a new cell phone number is…never set up voicemail in the beginning. This is to dissuade those callers of the previous owner – friends, family, bill collectors, drug dealers, and the like.

The callers who cease the fastest are of course, the dealers. They’re very suspicious of change and spook easily.

I had my previous phone for one year when I started receiving calls for Lance, the grass cutter. It seems like Lance was an enterprising young man who had printed business cards with my phone number and passed out hundreds of them. Although it did occur to me that this could be a golden opportunity to start a new career, I instead set up a long voicemail greeting explaining to callers that I could not help them with their grass this year and that they should be looking for a new landscaper – preferably one who knew his own phone number.

It worked well and after a while, the calls stopped – except for one scholar who called back and left a sincere message – apologizing for calling me in the first place and that now he understood and he “shore wouldn’t be calling back anymore”.

I like the bill collectors – they’re awesome haters, persistent…and great fun. Depending on what sleazy car lot they’re from, they can be very annoying and chock full of good writing material.

They remind me, sort of, of our local Sheriff’s department.

Not long after I moved into the current dwelling, I arrived to find my door pasted with love notes attempting to serve me with some kind of legal document. A close inspection revealed that my name was nowhere to be found on these documents so I left them on the door – to the delight of the two young Goths who live across the hall. Their door is also similarly decorated after the 16^th of each month with eviction notices from the apartment complex and the same Sheriff’s office.  

For the next several days, the notes accumulated as the deputy attempted (wrongly) to guess when I would be home again.

Finally, he surrendered – leaving one more envelope with the words “Oh well, I guess we’ll just have to serve you at work” – with a freakin’ smiley on it!

Not long after that, two more unknown numbers appeared and we were off, again.

These new guys were better. They endured the Lance message, so I had Lourdes, my Spanish speaking friend, record a long, drawn out nonsensical message on the phone, but still the calls came – even on weekends.

And then one day…they broke through.

 The bastards texted me.

I was defeated – a broken man as I limped through the mall to the phone kiosk.

All was well again (except for my psyche) and peace reigned once again in the valley until 555-3856 (not its real number) began calling the new phone

I ignored it. And then, on day two, it too texted.

Life was so much better in the 60’s, I reflected, when James Bond had the only cell phone in the world. And the only one who ever called was M.

More calls – this time from “Private” and “Unknown Caller”…and another…more texts from 555-3856…and one very pissed off lady – something uncomplimentary about a sperm donor…

“Gloom, despair…and agony on me…deep, dark depression – excessive misery…”

And then, in the darkest moments before the dawn – SALVATION!

Trailing clouds of Glory!

Out of the ashes rises…Mr. Number!

 (Stop me if you’ve heard this before)

Harumph! Good God, y’all…Say it again!

Mr. Number!

Mr. Number kicks call booty!

Mr. Number will set you free!

Mr. Number is a free android app that puts you in complete control of your cell phone. With Mr. Number you can block calls and text from everybody! Which I did. Had to rethink that one, though…gf was not amused.

 Mr. Number is versatile. It allows you to pick and choose who gets in from your contact list – some, none, or all.

Mr. Number scoffs at “Private or Unknown” callers as it answers, dispatches to voicemail, or simply hangs up on unwanted calls.

555-3856 called. By the second ring, Mr. Number intercepted and deleted. 555-3856 called back immediately – same results.

Downloaded Mr. Number to first phone. Sleazy car dealer texted. Wham! Bam! Have a good day sucker– somewhere else.

Tired of annoying phone calls and text messages that you don’t want? Or just want to prevent similar nightmares in the future? Then Mr. Number is for you!

It’s easy, free, and it works! Just go to the android app store.

You’ll be glad you did!

 

[Marilyn]

So, um, just how much stock do you have in Mr. Number?

 

[Westerly_2]

I get calls from some guys boss, who changes the meeting place from the wharehouse to the work site or changes the time, or some such thing. Guy really ought to take care of that. Must be lonely waiting at the wharehouse all by yourself. I also get wild party invites for Emilio.

[Carol T]

I do not give out my cell phone number.  I resisted mightily even having a cell phone until I started getting calls about my mother's finances at work.  Now I use said phone only to make calls.  No one I don't know ever calls me.  No one I know ever calls me.  Occasionally I get a generic spam text, which I can delete without reading because I know it's not important.  Believe me, this is just the way I like it.

My land line, on the other hand, gets tons of calls for the Soil Conservation Service, for a credit counseling service, and sometimes for a woman with my same last name (no relation) who has been dead for about twenty years. I let the machine take all the calls, because I don't want to spend the money for caller ID. 

[Westerly_2]

Plus, I get texted updates from Chase bank,warning the number holder their balance is falling low, only it is not my account, and my bank has only my house number. Some other guy is not getting his updates, and Iam.