TBD on Ning
How To Write
Our first lesson is about sentence/concept structure – creating interesting and vivid sentences to grab and keep your reader interested.
Here’s an example of three sentences. All are basically conveying the same message.
- New Jersey is smelly.
- Of all the states, New Jersey is the smelliest.
- In the history of the United States, New Jersey has always smelled bad …and its governor likes donuts (a little too much).
Which sentence, in your opinion, expresses the message the most effectively?
If you chose number 2 or 3 – you’re incorrect and here’s why:
The first sentence is quick and to the point. It tells the reader exactly what he/she needs to know about New Jersey.
The other two sentences are too long and laborious - filled with ineffective commas, ellipses, and parentheses, all designed to blow smoke and disguise the real problem with New Jersey – you can’t order a fried egg –“sunny side up” in a restaurant.
I swear. Look it up.
The main thing to remember is never fill your stories with adjectives and/or adverbs – except when absolutely necessary. Nobody has time for that crap.
We’re busy.
Vacuuming With The Stars is on tonight. It’s the finals.
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Replies to This Discussion
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Permalink Reply by Marilyn on
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Here's another exercise. Which sentence is most effective?
1. Bmichael is smelly.
2. Bmichael is smellier.
3. Bmichael is smelliest.
That's right, class! 1, 2 and 3 are all short, succinct and ... smelly. Just like B ...
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Permalink Reply by Westerly_2 on
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1.Chris Christy eats donuts
2. Jerry Brown eats sushi
3. No blessed body knows what the mysterious governor of KY eats.
Well,class, 1 & 2 are exceptional examples of clarity and 3 has one scratching one's pony-tail-rich head.
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Permalink Reply by Carol T on
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I would re-write #1 as follows:
Chris Christie eats Krispy Kremes.
(It's all about alliteration, dontcha know.)
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:^ }
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Permalink Reply by Bmichael on
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Stephen King says that if you want to write…
You have to read.
Read what?
Now he’ll only write books – you know, 2 covers with pages in between…library stuff.
No more e-stuff.
Sounds like a gimmick.
Have fun!
I’m gonna miss you…because sometimes you’re really, really good.
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How To Write For Children
DING DONG!
“Justa minute! Wonder who that could be – not expecting anyone…probably a salesman.”
A smiling, heavy set man in a black suit and hat stood in the doorway.
“Yes?”
“Excuse me, sir…but are you Bmichael?”
“Why, yes I am. Who are you?”
“Excellent, sir. My name is Guido, uh…here…here’s my card.”
“Hmm…the Department of Education…? What is…”
“Actually, I’m from the Student Loan Division – Collections.”
“Ohhh…yes,yes, yes….Student Loans…for a minute there I thought this was about that…oh, well…never mind… anyway, what can I do for you?”
“The reason I’m here today, is to kill you.”
“That right? Well, in that case, please come in.”
“Thank you – appreciate it. Nice place you have here. Like the B&W photography. Did you do it?”
“Sure did – thanks.”
“I’m a bit of photography buff myself.”
“Really! What are your subjects?”
“Well, I shoot people in …umm… shall we say in “repose”.”
“Really! Sounds interesting.”
“I like it – it relaxes me.”
“Now about this Student Loan thing – I don’t suppose there’s any way to make amends, is there?”
“Aww, sorry sir. By the time an account comes across my desk, that’s pretty much it. “
“Of course, I understand. Say, is your name really Guido? It strikes me a little ironic that with the line of work that you do…and the black suit, hat, I hope you won’t find me impolite, and that large scar across your cheek…you certainly seem to look the part of a…”
“Oh yes, you’re absolutely correct. The guys back at the office rib me a lot about that even though it’s merely a coincidence.”
“Well then, do I have time to make a call? You know, check in with the wife, and all.”
“Certainly…go right ahead.”
Guido walked along the length of the living room wall admiring the photographs.
“…and I’ve thawed out a baking hen for dinner. Should be ready to pop in the oven as soon as you get home. Love you , too dear…bye now.”
“All righty then…all set.
Great! Now sir, if you would be so kind as to step a little to your right…good…perhaps just a little more…a little bit more… there! Perfect. Now please try not to move…oh…and one more thing…please put this hood on…if you like, I can take your glasses…thank you, sir.
All right , here we go…one…two…
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Yikes. Does Guido come from New Jersey? I think I spotted him on my street yesterday. He was staring at my house. Whoooops .....
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Bobby Ransom’s recent posting of a discussion I had written quite some time ago was interesting and a little unsettling – because I don’t remember writing it.
It certainly is my style (whatever that is) and it uses some familiar phrasing (blood spatter, to note), but other than that…
My point is this is not the first time this has happened to me.
Not long ago I was scrolling through old files and stopping at those with unusual titles. I almost never use titles correctly – instead I tend to label things according to what’s going on at the time – such as “Wednesday” or “2:30” or “howie is a dickhead”…quickly forgotten and dispatched to the lower levels of…
I found some pieces that caused me to suspect someone hacked my pc and wrote things without my knowledge. (Isn’t that a federal crime? Unless, of course, it’s really, really good…)
Some of it was gibberish, clearly intended as quick notes – jotted down as reminders of brilliant thoughts evolved during festive dance-a-thons with the Blue Lady ( special aside to Westerly…the Blue lady is no longer #1, and has been replaced by Spaten – pronounced “shpot-in” which is German for “tool” …as in “Oh Nicky, You’re such a…” and if anyone knows what I’m referring to…please let me know immediately) and made absolutely no sense on that day.
But some did…make sense…and as a result, legitimized the conspiracy theory.
Otherwise, it’s too spooky to consider.
Cheers!
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HOW TO WRITE FOR CHILDREN
I awoke with a start.
It was just after midnight. Outside, the pines began scraping against the side of the house. A faint flash of light illuminated the window shade briefly, followed by thunder in the distance.
I lay silently wondering if it was the approaching storm that awakened me, or if it was something else.
I felt uneasy – much like that night in the city when I thought I could save time by cutting through alleys before the last train left at 11:00 or it would be another rough night at the Y until morning.
The alley, long and narrow – just wide enough for a single car to pass through – was fairly well lit and I thought would be ok, until suddenly I stopped. A strange, eerie feeling came over me... cold and sickening. I suddenly felt weak and very tired, as if I couldn’t run – even if I had to.
I began searching, looking for movement, anything, but there was nothing unusual – except the feeling.
Summoning all my strength, I stepped backwards without looking, my eyes glued to the scene in front of me.
As I moved further away, I noticed a change – my strength was returning and my breath came back. I quickly turned and ran the distance back to the street – exiting onto the sidewalk and crashing into a cop.
He was a large man and bore the brunt of my crash well. Not so, myself. I laid on the sidewalk, gasping for breath as he stood over me, staring.
“Where you running to, mister? You should watch where the hell you’re going.”
He helped me up, searching my face for clues.
Drunk? Junkie? Thief?
He looked down the alley, and then back at me.
“Somebody chasing you?”
**
The storm was fast moving – getting closer.
Another lightning flash – I rolled over, away from the windows. Gasping for breath…shivering in the cold.
BOOM! The windows rattled. Lightning flash. Clock radio goes dark…the night light in the hallway…power failure.
Grab the cellphone…weather channel…radar…OMG…we’re doomed…like in Star Trek…The Anamoly…
Strange smell…strange brew (Ever since I…very Creamy)
Dim glow of phone catches…whawuzzat?...in the corner... chill, mister…you don’t have anything lumpy…whatever it is…it’s not yours…relax…
Where’s gun? Oh yeah…in truck. Whew…”SURE AM GLAD I DON’T NEED IT – but just in case, I’ll have to use THE OTHER ONE. HEH,HEH,HEH!”
“Liar” said the lump.
“Whosaidthat?”
“I did” said the lump.
“W-who are you?” I demanded from under the pillow.
“Your worst nightmare” said the lump.
“My worst …really?”
“Really.”
“Dunno…I’ve had some pretty bad ones.”
“I know, but not like me.”
“Worse than the tunnel, the trolley, and the bear?”
“Yep.”
“Hmm…that used to really freak me out.”
“Worse than the sucking drainpipe and the slow motion spider?”
“Much worse.”
It felt like the room was closing in on me – the walls slowly creeping towards each other.
“I hate small places…being trapped…”
“Heh, heh, heh” said the lump.
The sound of a railroad crossing bell, a flashing red light… thunder… lightning…walls drawing closer…
Desperate, I screamed “Worse than Westerly’s last poem?”
The lump hesitated. It seemed confused.
“Huh? “
The bell stopped. I saw an opening.
“Worse than Bobby Ransom’s last story?”
“Umm..I…er…”
The walls stopped moving.
“Worse than an Alaskan vacation in January with Marilyn?”
The lump was clearly at a loss. The red lights, thunder, lightning - all disappeared.
I pointed the phone at the lump and moved in for the kill.
“Worse than CarolT’s…” I didn’t get to finish.
“Aaiiiee!” the lump shrieked.
The room went black.
When I opened my eyes, I was seated in a lounge chair, in the middle of a beautiful meadow surrounded by majestic, snow capped mountains. Nearby, a smiling white tiger emerged from some tall grasses, walked up and laid down beside me. Purring softly as I scratched its belly, I watched as an ancient biplane towing a long banner reading “Hi B!” circled the valley once and made a low run directly in front of me.
As he passed, the pilot saluted and tossed a package over the side. Upon impact on the ground, the package broke – creating a small blizzard of one million dollar bills, swirling and drifting towards me.
“How nice” I thought.
Suddenly, a stretch limo appeared.
Yanni stepped out of the car, followed be four scantily clad young women – each carrying a silver tray loaded with expensive German beer.
“Howdy! Hey…are ya’ll virgins?”
“Tee hee hee“ they giggled.
“Very cool…c’mere.”
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