TBD on Ning

My Thanksgiving Plans, anyone still coming?

Dear Family & Friends,
I know that you were eager to accept our family's invitation to
Thanksgiving dinner when you found out that the famous Martha
Stewart would be joining us. However, due to scheduling
conflicts beyond her control, Ms. Stewart finds that she is
unable to grace our table this year. With that in mind, there
will be a few minor changes regarding the meal and decor, as
outlined below. Please be aware of them, and adjust your
appetite and dress appropriately.

Thank you

1)Our driveway will not be lined with homemade, paper bag
luminaries. After several trial runs and two visits from the
fire department, it was decided that, no matter how cleverly
done, rows of flaming lunch sacks do not have the desired
welcoming effect.

2)Once inside, please note that the entry space will not be
decorated with swags of Indian corn and fall foliage. Instead,
we included our dog in decorating by having him track in
colorful autumn leaves from the back yard. The mud was his
idea.

3)The dining table will not be covered with expensive linens,
fancy china, or crystal goblets. If possible, we will use
dishes that match and everyone will get a fork. Since this is
Thanksgiving, we will refrain from using the paper SpongeBob
dinner plates, the leftover Halloween napkins, and our plastic
cup collection.

4)Our centerpiece will not be a tower of fresh fruit and
flowers. Instead we will be proudly displaying a hedgehog-like
decoration hand-crafted from the finest construction paper and
pine cones. The artist assures me it is a turkey, albeit one
without wings, legs, or a beak.

5)We will be dining somewhat later than planned. However, our daughter will entertain you while you wait. I'm sure she will
be happy to share every choice comment her mother made
regarding Thanksgiving, pilgrims, stuffing choices, the turkey
hotline, and, especially, her father. Please remember that most
of these comments were made at 7:00AM upon discovering that
said father had only remembered to pull the turkey from the
freezer at 6:00 AM, and that the thing was still hard enough to
cut diamonds.

6)As an accompaniment to our daughter's recital of these
events, I will play a recording of Native American tribal
drumming. Curiously, the tribal drumming sounds a great deal
like a frozen turkey in a clothes dryer, but that only enhances
the holiday appropriateness. If our daughter should mention
that we don't own a recording of Native American tribal
drumming, ignore her. She's only nine; what does she know?

7)A dainty silver bell will not be rung to announce the start
of our feast. We have chosen to keep our traditional method of
assembling when the smoke alarm goes off.

8)There will be no formal seating arrangement. When the smoke alarm sounds, please gather around the table and sit where you like. In the spirit of harmony, we will ask all the children to
sit at a separate table. In a separate room. Next door. And I
would like to take this opportunity to remind our younger
diners that "passing the rolls" is neither a football play nor
an excuse to bean your cousin in the head with bread.

9)The turkey will not be carved at the table. I know you have
seen the Norman Rockwell image of one person carving a turkey
in front of a crowd of appreciative onlookers. Such a scene may
occur somewhere in America , but it won't be happening at our
dinner table. For safety reasons, the turkey will be carved in
the kitchen at a private ceremony. I stress "private", meaning
Do not, under any circumstances, enter the kitchen to laugh at
me. Do not send small, unsuspecting children, or older, helpful
grandparents into the kitchen to check on my progress. I have a
very large, very sharp knife. The turkey is unarmed. It stands
to reason that I will eventually win the battle. When I do, we
will eat.

10)Instead of offering a choice among 12 different scrumptious desserts, we will be serving the traditional pumpkin pie,garnished with whipped cream and dog tongue marks. You still
have a choice: take it or leave it.

That concludes our list of alterations. Again, I apologize that
Martha will not be joining us this year.