DING DONGS ALIVE AND WELL

[Mark Joel Lane]

 

 

When I heard the tragic news,I became numb. I was in a state of shock. This could not be true. I was dumfounded. I still can't believe it. No more Ding Dongs, or my insatiable Hostess Cup Cakes. But the sad fact is that Hostess is closing. Over 18,000 workers in factories and bakeries will lose their jobs.

While I do feel bad about them, my question to you is: WHAT ABOUT ME? My main source of nutrition comes from fast food restaurants, greasy cholesterol laden fried foods, pizza, and donuts , all supplemented by my snacks and desserts from Hostess. I need my Ding Dongs and Sno Balls and Zingers and Twinkies. What is life without a Twinkie?

Ding Dongs and Ring Dings: a rose by any other name would smell as sweet or taste as chocolaty . Ring Dings are a product of the subsidiary  Drake Company. But my trained palate knows a Ding Dong when it eats one.

I've spent the past two days and nights shopping in supermarkets hoarding everyone of my favorite Hostess snacks in our basement. I've stuffed my wife's Lladro collection in our attic to make room. I've even paid off a Hostess truck driver handsomely for all the contents on his route. Sure,the stores won't get this delivery but who the hell cares. Let them buy Nabisco cookies. The driver told me I can freeze them and my Hostess snacks will stay fresh in our industrial freezer in our garage. My wife only has some Italian ices and ice cream in there now.

Indeed this is a bad time for our nation. It is a scary situation. But I'll survive knowing I have the Hostess with the Mostess.