Laughter is the best medicine

Comment

Comment by cynthia Hunter on June 28, 2010 at 9:26am

ROSES & HANGING BASKETS
A teenage granddaughter
comes downstairs for her date
with this see-through blouse on and no bra.
Her grandmother just pitched a fit,
telling her not to dare go out like that!
The teenager tells her
'Loosen up Grams.
These are modern times.
You gotta let your rose buds show!'
and out she goes.
The next day the teenager comes down stairs,
and the grandmother is sitting there with no top on.
The teenager wants to die.
She explains to her grandmother
that she has friends coming over
and that it is just not appropriate...
The grandmother says,
'Loosen up,
Sweetie.
If you can show off your rose buds,
then I can display my hanging baskets.

Happy Gardening.
(This is too funny not to share!)

Comment by Aggie on June 1, 2010 at 4:10pm

Comment by metub4 on April 3, 2010 at 6:44am

Interpretations of nature from junior high, high school, and college test papers and essays submitted to science and health teachers (spelling errors preserved)....

"When you breath, you inspire. When you do not breath, you expire."

"H2O is hot water, and CO2 is cold water"

"To collect fumes of sulphur, hold a deacon over a flame in a test tube"

"When you smell an oderless gas, it is probably carbon monoxide"

"Water is composed of two gins, Oxygin and Hydrogin. Oxygin is pure gin. Hydrogin is gin and water."

"Three kinds of blood vessels are arteries, vanes and caterpillars."

"Blood flows down one leg and up the other."

"Respiration is composed of two acts, first inspiration, and then expectoration."

"The moon is a planet just like the earth, only it is even deader."

"Artifical insemination is when the farmer does it to the cow instead of the bull."

"Dew is formed on leaves when the sun shines down on them and makes them perspire."

"A super-saturated solution is one that holds more than it can hold."

"Mushrooms always grow in damp places and so they look like umbrellas."

"The body consists of three parts - the brainium, the borax and the abominable cavity. The brainium contains the brain, the borax contains the heart and lungs, and the abominable cavity contains the bowls, of which there are five - a, e, i, o, and u."

"The pistol of a flower is its only protections agenst insects."

"The alimentary canal is located in the northern part of Indiana."

"The skeleton is what is left after the insides have been taken out and the outsides have ben taken off. The purpose of the skeleton is something to hitch meat to."

"A permanent set of teeth consists of eight canines, eight cuspids, two molars, and eight cuspidors."

"The tides are a fight between the Earth and moon. All water tends towards the moon, because there is no water in the moon, and nature abhors a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins in this fight."

"A fossil is an extinct animal. The older it is, the more extinct it is."

"Germinate: To become a naturalized German."

"Liter: A nest of young puppies."

"Magnet: Something you find crawling all over a dead cat."

"Momentum: What you give a person when they are going away."

"Planet: A body of Earth surrounded by sky."

"Rhubarb: A kind of celery gone bloodshot."

"Vacumm: A large, empty space where the pope lives."

"Before giving a blood transfusion, find out if the blood is affirmative or negative."

"To remove dust from the eye, pull the eye down over the nose."

"For a nosebleed: Put the nose much lower then the body until the heart stops."

"For drowning: Climb on top of the person and move up and down to make artifical perspiration."

"For fainting: Rub the person's chest or, if a lady, rub her arm above the hand instead. Or put the head between the knees of the nearest medical doctor."

"For dog bite: put the dog away for sevral days. If he has not recovered, then kill it."

"For asphyxiation: Apply artificial respiration until the patient is dead."

"For head cold: use an agonizer to spray the nose untill it drops in your throat."

"To keep milk from turning sour: Keep it in the cow."

Comment by metub4 on March 14, 2010 at 11:44am

Good Point :>)

Comment by Sedona7 on March 13, 2010 at 8:20pm

Comment by metub4 on March 13, 2010 at 9:24am

A woman walks into the downtown welfare office, trailed by 15 kids.

"WOW," the social worker exclaims, "are they ALL YOURS???"

"Yep they all mine," the flustered momma sighs, having heard that
question a thousand times before. She says, "Sit down Leroy."
All the children rush to find seats.

"Well," says the social worker, "then you must be
here to sign up. I'll need all your childrens' names."


"This one's my oldest - he is Leroy."

"OK, and who's next?"
"Well, this one he is Leroy, also."


The social worker raises an eyebrow but continues. One by
one, through the oldest four, all boys, all named Leroy. Then she
is introduced to the eldest girl, named Leighroy!


"All right," says the caseworker. "I'm seeing a pattern here. Are
they ALL named Leroy?"

Their Momma replied, "Well, yes it makes it easier. When it is
time to get them out of bed and ready for school, I yell,' Leroy!'

An' when it's time for dinner, I just
yell 'Leroy!' an' they all comes a runnin.'

An' if I needed to stop the kid who's running into the street, I
just yell 'Leroy' and all of them stop. It's the smartest idea I
ever had, namin' them all Leroy."

The social worker thinks this over for a bit, then wrinkles her
forehead and says tentatively, "But what if you just want ONE
kid to come, and not the whole bunch?"

"I call them by their last name.".

Comment by metub4 on March 7, 2010 at 5:02pm

CHINESE SICK LEAVE : 'I NO COME WORK TODAY!!!'

Hung Chow calls into work and says, 'Hey, I no come work
today, I really sick. Got headache, stomach ache and legs
hurt, I no come work.'

The boss says, 'You know something, Hung Chow, I really
need you today. When I feel sick like you do, I go to my
wife and tell her to give me sex. That Makes everything
better and I go to work.. You try that.'

Two hours later Hung Chow calls again. 'I do what You
say and I feel Great. I be at work soon.........You got
nice house'

Comment by codger price on March 6, 2010 at 4:44am

No More Drinking
A depressed-looking regular enters a bar and orders a Coke. The bartender asks why he doesn't want his usual shot of whiskey.

"I quit drinking," the man replies. "Last night I blew chunks."

"What's so horrible about that?" the bartender asks. "Everyone gets sick once in a while after a long night of drinking."

"No, no," the man replies. "You don't understand. Chunks is my dog."

Comment by metub4 on March 4, 2010 at 4:09pm

A few deep thoughts

* A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is
where train stops. On my desk, I have a work station...

* If quitters never win, and winners never quit, what fool
came up with "quit while you're ahead"?

* I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible
whole lot more as they get older, then it dawned on me. they
were cramming for their finals.

* I thought about how mothers feed their babies with little
tiny spoons and forks, so I wonder what Chinese mothers
use...Toothpicks?

* Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post
Office? What are we supposed to do...write to these men? Why
don't they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so
the mailmen could look for them while they delivered the
mail?

* How much deeper would oceans be if sponges didn't live there?

* If it's true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the OTHERS here for?

* Go ahead and take risks....just be sure that everything will turn out OK.

* If you can't be kind, at least have the decency to be vague.

* Ever wonder what the speed of lightning would be if it didn't zigzag?

* Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.

* How come you don't ever hear about gruntled employees? And
who has been dissing them anyhow?

* Since light travels faster than sound, isn't that why
people appear bright until you hear them speak?

* How come "abbreviated" is such a long word?

* If it's zero degrees outside today and it's supposed to be
twice as cold tomorrow, how cold is it going to be?

Comment by codger price on March 4, 2010 at 5:34am

Emily Sue passed away and Bubba called 911. The 911 operator told Bubba that she would send someone out right away. "Where do you live?" asked the operator.

Bubba replied, "At the end of Eucalyptus Drive."

The operator asked, "Can you spell that for me?"

There was a long pause and finally Bubba said, "How 'bout if I drag her over to Oak Street, and you pick her up there?"

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